C... Childlike Courage

"I can do it myself!"
"Let me try!"
"Watch what I can do!"
.
.
.

"What if I fail?"
"I don't want anyone to watch me."
"It's not going to work anyway."

Wikipedia defines it: Courage (also bravery, fortitude, or intrepidity) is the ability to confront fear, pain, risk/danger, uncertainty, or intimidation.

At what point do we lose our bright, sunny childlike courage and crumple into self doubting balls of adults? Surely it isn't as we drive off for college with a skip in our step and a flick of our wrist as we wave out the open window. So, perhaps it happens as tears of uncertainty cloud the new roads ahead of us and the familiar ones in the rear view mirror. I have the courage to say "I don't know."

And that's OK.

When I look in the mirror, I would like to, but I don't see a courageous person looking back at me. However, when I think back at how I got to where I am right now, in this moment, I realize that it was either A) courage B) stupidity or C) divine intervention. I'm going to go with D) All of the above.

Picking up the broken pieces of my heart wasn't an easy task. I'm still working on putting them back together. But you know what? It has to be done. I'm a 'bit' of a competitive person. At least I used to be. Now, I tend to compete solely with myself which I suppose is a good thing, right? Only I win. But at what costs? Did those around me lose while I spent so much time finding the courage to keep fighting? I am so very thankful for the courage that was instilled in me to keep going, to keep fighting, to keep on keeping on so, in the end? I feel so fully justified in my fight when I look at Stella. And everyone who meets her says the same thing "You know? She's great in your photos but she's so much more when you meet her!"

I also know that it takes even more courage to make a bigger change, the courage to say "I can't do it anymore. I need to move on. I need to move forward." I was so close to that point but I didn't have enough.
Not enough courage at that point.
Although, perhaps again that's where the divine intervention came in, pushing me forward one. more. time. Because I cannot imagine life without Stella.

But now? I've been given the courage to move on. Move forward with our three children. And I need to find the courage to let the hurt of the past three years slide into a little envelope, carefully folded and tucked away in a special corner of my heart.

Courage to live the best life possible!