(it's kind of a 'poor me' stream of consciousness post, feel free to skip it!)
I honestly don't think that many people look at me like "Oh, that's the lady who couldn't stay pregnant." Seriously, people should have way too many other things to think about than that. But yet, I can't escape that nagging feeling that that's what some people do think, especially if it's been a while since I've seen them or I don't seem them often. It's just as likely that they're thinking "I could really swear that she was skinnier last time I saw her." or "Man she looks tired." or "I wonder when she's going to finally get a hair cut because what she's got going on now is just not working." or "You would think that her kids would behave better." or "Huh, I wonder what the paint color on that wall is." ...that one's especially possible when I feel like someone is looking right through me.
I've found myself feeling very small and insignificant and while most of the time that doesn't bother me. Sometimes it does.
And I want so desperately to fit in somewhere and feel comfortable.
That sounds pathetic.
But I don't really feel like I "fit" anywhere anymore. For entertainment's sake, I went to a website that I've used before... looked through the group descriptions for what I was hoping to find and didn't. fit. a. single. one. Really?!
I just want to be comfortable, like fall into a fluffy couch with a cozy blanket and a sweet, hot cup of coffee, comfortable.
Maybe I'm defining myself too narrowly.
Maybe I don't know how to define myself at all anymore.
Maybe I just need to get comfortable with "me".
Maybe that kind of comfortable is reserved for the most special of people and that's why it's so sought after.
Clearly, I must be having some issues. And it's that time of year again. But it's been that time of year for almost 3 years now so I should be getting used to it. And at the end of the day, I know that I'm right where I'm supposed to be. I'm not missing out on any of Stella's infancy by running all over to different places. (I was super busy when Rylan was little and, sadly, it's all kind of a blur but there was lots of - not child created - stress too)
And when I feel alone, I'm not really... half-way through writing this post my friend (like the real-life, doesn't just live in my computer type) posted this:
6 comments:
Its really hard to find who you are again once life starts dragging you forward. I also feel like "deadbabymama" is a neon sign flashing over my head and start to feel isolated but then I realized that most people around me are just as self absorbed as I am and probably don't even remember. :) Anyway, you'll find your groove again. Love you!
Oh Kristi, you really couldn't have said any of that any better. I often feel like that which is why I isolate, then get sad becasue I'm isolated, but am also scared to put myself back "out there". It's a vicious cycle sweetie which is why we need to stick together. I think I have stopped "searching" for where I fit anymore becasue there is no one out there who has had the same experiences as I have (similar maybe, but not the same) and the more I try the worse I feel. Just know that you fit perfectly into your life and are an awesome piece of mine. Thank you for just being you even when you are feeling unsure :) )))HUGS((( to you. BIG HUGS to you. You know where to find me if you need me.
I feel exactly the same way alot. Probably for alot of different reasons but it started when I had K. I'ts a very vulnerable feeling and a hard one to get around. I hope you find or realize you have do have a "place". Your a Fabulous everything! Oh and the last time I saw you this is what I was thinking " She looks really good, We need to see eachother more, and that I just like being in your company" XOXO
Great post, i really like what your friend posted about being in someones life. I know I try too hard for those that dont matter and not hard enough for those do matter.
-h
I really REALLY feel like this as well! Where do I fit in?! Do you know anyone else that has had 2 babies die after 16 weeks, is a breast cancer survivor, has twins where one has Down syndrome and MAJOR sensory issues and has had a child recommended for hospice care followed up by some serious surgeries/hospital stays and has 5 kids ranging in age from 1 to 15? Every group I join for one reason makes me feel like I stand alone with all my other "issues". I hate that people freely tell me that "just when I think I have it hard I think of you". Glad I can be their low mark! But I am such a fickle one because some days all I want to do is to fit in. I want to go or be with others that don't make a big deal about my issues. But then when I am somewhere where it isn't mentioned I feel myself screaming on the inside "Don't you know what I've been through!". Really there is no pleasing me! :)
Kristi,
Forgive me for saying this, but I think rather than being hard on yourself and saying, "get over it," you might realize that there is no way any one person should try and shoulder this amount of grief alone.
I think therapy and possibly anti-depressant medication could make a world of difference in your life. It is a very, very, very hard thing to accept and to do. I've recently had to admit that I need antidepressant medication. I've only been taking it again for a week, and I feel like a different person (in a good way). I've been able to be so much more present for my son. It's not an end-all fix. My point is, don't try to fix this alone. And if a random internet stranger's opinion counts at all: I think you're pretty awesome. Your obviously making amazing memories for your children. In my opinion, that's the greatest gift a mama can offer her babies: a happy childhood.
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