I hesitated, at first, to use the term "birthday" but that's what it is. The emergence and separation of offspring from the body of the mother. I know that a lot of "us" get caught up on what to call it, but by definition, although we expected it to be in July, this is his birthday.
Yet, there are no balloons to tie to his chair. No cake to decorate. No candles to blow out. No presents to unwrap. No crazy sugar hyped three year old little guy running around. No FB wall full of Happy Birthday! posts - one lone "I'm thinking of you", love filled message. And? Even though we have his beautiful little sister, my heart still aches to know him.
On the outside, it's a day just like any other. The weather was exactly the same as it was three years ago as I crumpled in pure, raw, grief. In my heart, it's not just another day. It's his day. I'm not at a point where I can look to this day as being "OK" or "joyful" or even just "devoid of emotion." But I have peace. This day, three years ago, changes were well under way. Changes that would totally alter life as I knew it. Some people walked out of my life. Some ran. Others quietly tiptoed in and have stayed through everything.
The rawness, the extreme physical and emotional pains have subsided like a low tide leaving the thick, foot weighing mud behind, all the while revealing the rare beauties that not everyone gets to experience. He (and the others) were a necessary part of my journey. A journey that I've never walked alone even when it felt very lonely.
“'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me and I will listen to you.'" Jeremiah 29:11-12
And tomorrow will be the first day of the next year...
Sunday, February 20, 2011
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12 comments:
Oh Kristi. I was thinking about you today while I was daydreaming about my garden. I was thinking you might be jealous that it's time here to really get into the garden..fear of frost being long gone. I thought about your garden, and Eli's and how therapeutic and beautiful that first year of building his garden was and what it all represented. I know it will always be a part of who you are and there will always be Eli. Happy Birthday to Eli, a little boy who changed lives, even mine.
Love you.
sorry! :) hope you realized that comment was from me. ;)
xoxo
I'm thinking of you today Kristi.
:-O
^ That's me being shocked at just how similar we are. I lol'd when I read how our entries are pretty much identical!
Loving on Eli every day of every year xxxx
Sending love and hugs your way. Every.single.day. xoxo
Thinking about you guys {{{Big Hugs}}} I am very blessed to have known about Eli, He has definitely changed my life.
Happy Birthday Eli xoxo
I love you Kristi.
<3 You and your amazing strength. Happy Birthday little Eli. I'm sure you are smiling down on your momma today.
Three years... three years.
I will never be able to forget his birthday... his is tied so intimately to Scarlett's. And so while I'm so happy that you have your sweet Stella to cradle in your arms I understand how they ache for Eli. Hugs to you!
Thinking of you all!
-h
Kristi~Such a beautiful post. Thanks for stopping by my blog! I love yours and oh my, you take such beautiful photos of your beautiful family :-)
Love to you friend.
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