I did not forget about October 15th yesterday. I lit my candles at 7 pm. I thought about Eli and Collin and all of our other lost babies. I thought about my baby loss momma friends and their babies, some that they got to hold, some that they didn't. And I would love to name them all but nothing hurts like seeing that your baby has been forgotten so I'm going to avoid causing that hurt and hope that they all had feelings of peace and love while specifically setting aside time just for them.
But this year was much different for me. On October 15th Stella also turned 6 months old and I tried to focus a bit more on my present than my past. I had a beautiful mental image and planned to do a balloon release for my past but my present is sick and needed to go to the pediatrician for antibiotics and ear drops for a bad ear infection. An ear infection that I was told, had I waited until Monday it probably would have ruptured. I still think of what might have been every day so I guess, while it is nice to have one day dedicated to our babies, it's not a necessity for me. But I still remember...
2 comments:
Kristi,
I have just caught up on your blog. I guess it had been a little over a month since I had read your posts. I had no idea you were struggling with these emotions. All I can say is "Been there. Done that. Could have written your post." There is nothing worse than wanting your rainbow baby so badly, and then he/she comes, and you are overcome with these unexplainable feelings of sadness, incompetence, depression, anxiety, and on and on. The guilt is overwhelming and devastating. I look back now and know I had some sort of baby blues or post-partum depression. But I couldn't really see it at the time. And what I did see was such a medley of emotions, I couldn't tell if it was PPD, or anxiety from 9 months of continuous worry, or who knows what. Anyway, I feel ya sista. And FWIW, I do consider you a "friend."
Nicole
P.S. Nothing but sickness around our house lately too. Your kiddos are adorable, as always!
We will always remember and they will always be remembered!
-h
Post a Comment