Half-Way to Half-Way There

Still plugging along here! Even with the fear of jinxing myself, I've started to feel a bit better. I'm still tired but the extreme dizziness seems to have subsided for the most part. I still feel a bit disconnected from my body, both literally and figuratively, but it's getting better which is nice since I'd been feeling it since just after 5 weeks. It started on the way home from my parents house a month or so ago and really hadn't let up much. Now I've moved into the can't. stop. eating. phase that I don't remember so much with Rylan but sure do with Karleigh. Of course I also gained twice as much weight with her so I'll just have to make sure that's it's healthy things with which I constantly stuff my face!

I had my first "real" OB appointment yesterday. You know, the 'exciting' pee in a cup, cringe at your weight, blood pressure check, chat with the nurse, see the doc, ask any questions, schedule your next appointment... which was good because I had to pee, I've weighed more not pregnant, 120/70 isn't bad, I like Dr. C's nurse, I also like Dr. C, he answered my couple of questions, he had me schedule again for in two weeks to keep my anxiety in check.

The more detailed version... before he came in I head the familiar thump, jiggle, bonk of the bedside ultrasound machine. I have a love/hate relationship with that machine. I love seeing my baby on the screen "in real life" but I hate seeing my dead baby on the screen. Every time he turns it on I know that it can go either way. Yesterday it went the way I love. It was hard to see the heartbeat at first because baby was moving around so much. The internal struggle that followed was quite amusing in hindsight... "oh no, I don't see the heartbeat... because the baby is moving too much... is it even alive?... it needs to stop moving so I can see the heartbeat." Yes, I'm just that crazy.

Doing this again is really, really hard.

I think it's more difficult this time around because after we lost Eli you just kind of feel like, ok, we got through that and of course we'll have a healthy baby this time around because that's what's fair. Well, life isn't fair. So this time around I don't have that mental safety net that I had with Collin. I know it can happen. I know it can happen more than once and I know that it can happen at any time and while it's one thing to "know" it, I think it's another thing to live it.

Back to the upside though, I got to see arms, legs, fingers and toes, eyes, the jaw bone and everything else looking just as it should right now. Oh, and a beating heart.