It might be an small understatement to say that I'm beyond ready to kick 2009 out the door. I think back to this time last year and it was just so full of promise. We had our NT scan with Collin, were told he was a totally healthy baby boy, we rang in the New Year being so thankful that 2009 was going to bring us what 2008 couldn't. At some point the next day his heart stopped. What a way to start 2009.
2009 wasn't a total bummer though...
a 2 week visit from Auntie Lacey
zoo trips
an excellent vacation to Whitefish, MT
our 10th wedding anniversary
5 lost teeth
a new kindergartner
new puppy Max
hikes in the gorge
a new preschooler
a wonderful beach trip
winter snowstorms
record summer heat
new bikes
starting Daisy Scouts
visits with grandma and grandpa
play dates
birthday parties
and a healthy baby girl on the way.
Thursday, December 31, 2009
Friday, December 25, 2009
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
Cut to the Chase
I'm going to cut to the chase... this holiday season has been a rough one on me. I have been a total Grinch this year. My attitude stinks, I don't really want to have much to do with Christmas, etc. etc. and that irritates me which just makes the attitude even worse. Sure, I could blame it on hormones but I'm going to be realistic and I really can't place the blame on hormones. Maybe they don't help but I'm pretty confident in saying "it's all me."
This is the third Christmas in a row that I've been pregnant (and the 4th Christmas that I've been pregnant in the last 7 years) of course that also means that I have a birthday party to finish up planning for next week. I think that part of the "mood" has to do with the mixed emotions of this time of year. I wish I could put it more clearly but I can't even really wrap my head around it.
I'm sure there's some pregnancy anxiety and depression in there too since I'm already at an increased risk for it given my history. I'm really trying to let go and let God and using breathing techniques to try to calm my nerves but the fear and anxiety can grab me at any moment without warning. For instance tonight, putting Rylan's clothes away and all of a sudden the nerves, butterflies, racing heart and negative thoughts started... I was putting his underwear away. I'm certainly getting quite a schooling in feeling out of control. I will mention it to Dr. C at my appointment which is tomorrow (Christmas Eve).
But, I've been going about doing what needs to be done around here, even if I'm not "feeling it" this year. The tree was "hunted", put up and decorated. The gifts have been purchased and wrapped, mostly thanks to Jim. The house is clean and decorated even if it did take at least 3 weeks to do it.
The kids participated in all of their school activities cookie party with the parents for Rylan's class, a book exchange and movie day for Karleigh's class, food drives for both, lots of arts and crafts and a sing-a-long for the primary classes. Ever the entertainer, it was a joy to watch all of Karleigh's expressions as they sang "Up on the Housetop". And since it was a sing-a-long instead of a 'concert', Rylan had a blast even though the preschool didn't participate and it didn't even start until their usual bed time.
We even had some snow up here earlier this week. I didn't bother to take pics because it was enough to cover the ground but not really enough for the kids to play in. Max did seem to like eating it though. He looks so cute and innocent though doesn't he?
Ugh. Wrong. Not only are the kids bouncing off the walls with Christmas excitement, the dog is losing his mind too. I'm sure much of it is him feeding off the "crazies" coming from the kids. In the last 24 hours he has peed on the carpet (which he just doesn't do), eaten Christmas light bulbs, chewed up a heavy duty extension cord, destroyed an entire string of lights, found a beer can and brought it back to the yard to chew up (I'm sensing a theme...), threw up in the house (gee, I wonder why!?) and has just been a total whack-ado overall.
Things are going really well with the pregnancy, as far as I can tell. She moves a ton which helps keep me positive. We've started purchasing things and have received the new crib and crib bedding. I received two boxes full of brand new cloth diapers from a girl friend who isn't using them and I ordered a couple of different diapers over the last couple of days. Psst, I'm kind of excited! My sciatic nerve is on fire these days but I also know that it'll eventually go away. if I could just remove my pelvis, I'd be feeling (physically) about 100% these days. But I'm not complaining. I know that it's all just so temporary.
I hope that you all have a wonderful Christmas Eve!
This is the third Christmas in a row that I've been pregnant (and the 4th Christmas that I've been pregnant in the last 7 years) of course that also means that I have a birthday party to finish up planning for next week. I think that part of the "mood" has to do with the mixed emotions of this time of year. I wish I could put it more clearly but I can't even really wrap my head around it.
I'm sure there's some pregnancy anxiety and depression in there too since I'm already at an increased risk for it given my history. I'm really trying to let go and let God and using breathing techniques to try to calm my nerves but the fear and anxiety can grab me at any moment without warning. For instance tonight, putting Rylan's clothes away and all of a sudden the nerves, butterflies, racing heart and negative thoughts started... I was putting his underwear away. I'm certainly getting quite a schooling in feeling out of control. I will mention it to Dr. C at my appointment which is tomorrow (Christmas Eve).
But, I've been going about doing what needs to be done around here, even if I'm not "feeling it" this year. The tree was "hunted", put up and decorated. The gifts have been purchased and wrapped, mostly thanks to Jim. The house is clean and decorated even if it did take at least 3 weeks to do it.
The kids participated in all of their school activities cookie party with the parents for Rylan's class, a book exchange and movie day for Karleigh's class, food drives for both, lots of arts and crafts and a sing-a-long for the primary classes. Ever the entertainer, it was a joy to watch all of Karleigh's expressions as they sang "Up on the Housetop". And since it was a sing-a-long instead of a 'concert', Rylan had a blast even though the preschool didn't participate and it didn't even start until their usual bed time.
We even had some snow up here earlier this week. I didn't bother to take pics because it was enough to cover the ground but not really enough for the kids to play in. Max did seem to like eating it though. He looks so cute and innocent though doesn't he?Ugh. Wrong. Not only are the kids bouncing off the walls with Christmas excitement, the dog is losing his mind too. I'm sure much of it is him feeding off the "crazies" coming from the kids. In the last 24 hours he has peed on the carpet (which he just doesn't do), eaten Christmas light bulbs, chewed up a heavy duty extension cord, destroyed an entire string of lights, found a beer can and brought it back to the yard to chew up (I'm sensing a theme...), threw up in the house (gee, I wonder why!?) and has just been a total whack-ado overall.Things are going really well with the pregnancy, as far as I can tell. She moves a ton which helps keep me positive. We've started purchasing things and have received the new crib and crib bedding. I received two boxes full of brand new cloth diapers from a girl friend who isn't using them and I ordered a couple of different diapers over the last couple of days. Psst, I'm kind of excited! My sciatic nerve is on fire these days but I also know that it'll eventually go away. if I could just remove my pelvis, I'd be feeling (physically) about 100% these days. But I'm not complaining. I know that it's all just so temporary.
I hope that you all have a wonderful Christmas Eve!
Thursday, December 10, 2009
Thankful Thursday
I'm thankful for friends who keep me on my toes... who encourage me and who have been great cheerleaders throughout this pregnancy. I'm thankful for the "pestering" to take, and share, a belly picture. A belly picture that actually has a live, thriving baby in it.
I'm thankful for heartburn and sciatica and symphysis pubic dysfunction. Really. I am!
I'm thankful for kicks, thumps and bumps and being able to watch my tummy dance.
Yes, I am thankful!
I'm thankful for heartburn and sciatica and symphysis pubic dysfunction. Really. I am!
I'm thankful for kicks, thumps and bumps and being able to watch my tummy dance.
Yes, I am thankful!
Thursday, December 3, 2009
Which Came First?
Rylan: Mommy? How did the baby get in your tummy?
Karleigh: I'll tell you. See, mommy has these things in her tummy called eggs. They're teeny tiny.
Rylan: Really?
Karleigh: Yes, really. And when it's time for her to have a baby... well... (long, thoughtful pause) they grow and then hatch into a bubble and grow and grow until the baby is born.
Rylan: Ohhhhhhh.
Karleigh: ...kind of like a chicken!
Ah, she was so close! Ü
Karleigh: I'll tell you. See, mommy has these things in her tummy called eggs. They're teeny tiny.
Rylan: Really?
Karleigh: Yes, really. And when it's time for her to have a baby... well... (long, thoughtful pause) they grow and then hatch into a bubble and grow and grow until the baby is born.
Rylan: Ohhhhhhh.
Karleigh: ...kind of like a chicken!
Ah, she was so close! Ü
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
More Details
I cannot believe it's been almost a week since we saw our baby girl and I last blogged anything about it! The Thanksgiving holiday was quite nice, held some feelings of relief and of course, many feelings of thankfulness.
She proved to be quite a mover and a shaker and our ultrasound tech was so very, very thorough including asking me, halfway through the scan, to get up, use the bathroom and 'do whatever it takes' to move baby girl around so she could get not only great shots of all 4 heart chambers but of the valves in motion as well. Baby girl stayed where she needed to for about 15 seconds. The tech played the capture forwards and backwards in slow motion over and over again and I will admit I started to get really nervous and think "oh, here we go again" while praying but at the same time I thought I knew enough about human anatomy and physiology to see that everything was normal... and it was. We actually didn't find out girl vs. boy until the very end after she got all the views that she needed and all three of us almost forgot!
A slightly less skeleton face. And the "girl proof"!
We FINALLY told the kids about their baby sister and it went over so well. They are so thrilled but Karleigh, much like her mommy, is hopeful but cautious. Jim and I were sitting on the couch at my parents house, doing a little online shopping, and Karleigh came over and asked it the items in the 'shopping bag' were for our friends baby girl.
Jim said "nope, they're for your baby sister."
Karleigh "huh, I don't have a baby sister."
Jim "Actually, you do."
And I handed her the ultrasound photos.
She dove right into the photos labelling them all until she got to the last one which was the "girl shot" and then she laughed that we had pics of girl parts.
He came running down to look at the pics and looked all giddy with his hands over his gaping mouth. Of course, shortly after, he asked if she was hiding behind the couch, then he asked if uncle David was bringing her with him... we spent quite a bit of time talking about how far away Spring is. And then... he ran off like a typical 4 year old boy!
Karleigh continued to shop with us and kicked Jim out of his seat. And then her questions and comments started.
"I hope our baby sister doesn't die in your tummy like our baby brother did."
"Well, we HOPE we're going to have a baby sister."
"Is she as big as our Eli was when he died?"
And Rylan's questions
"Why don't you just spit her out now momma?"
I'm glad to have the "announcement" out of the way and just about at the last possible moment. My tummy really popped out this last weekend and I 'had' to buy a pair of maternity pants. Karleigh is on us to nail down a name so she doesn't have to keep calling her "baby sister" and has threatened to just call her Lilly until we decide differently. Ü She's happy that we're working on it.
I did finally buy a few things for the little one including a couple little outfits (that my mom will get to see first when the box arrives at her house!) and a boppy pillow cover. I know, nothing big but that IS a big step for me. I also went through our box of baby clothes and yah, all those things I cleaned out, sold and donated when I was pregnant with Eli but didn't know it yet... are all still not in the basement! I have a couple pair of pj's and that's about it. Which just means more sale shopping!
Anyway. We're thrilled that things look just perfect. Life around here has continued on as well, it's certainly not all about baby. We're taking the kids to Zoo Lights tonight, Rylan is certainly "exploring" his defiant side... which he was also doing before the baby info so that's not it... it's just him, being four. I haven't used my doppler in 3 days because I can feel her wiggling and moving so often. So, after the holidays, we will probably start the painting that needs to be done in order for the room shifting to take place.
I feel like I'm in a really good place. Not necessarily totally confident that everything will be ok but I'm totally at peace with the fact that she is not Eli nor Collin and that's ok. She alive because they aren't but I'm also not pining for them if that makes sense. Pregnancy loss sucks but I'm also really excited to see what the future holds!
Our little baby girl and her cute little profile!
She proved to be quite a mover and a shaker and our ultrasound tech was so very, very thorough including asking me, halfway through the scan, to get up, use the bathroom and 'do whatever it takes' to move baby girl around so she could get not only great shots of all 4 heart chambers but of the valves in motion as well. Baby girl stayed where she needed to for about 15 seconds. The tech played the capture forwards and backwards in slow motion over and over again and I will admit I started to get really nervous and think "oh, here we go again" while praying but at the same time I thought I knew enough about human anatomy and physiology to see that everything was normal... and it was. We actually didn't find out girl vs. boy until the very end after she got all the views that she needed and all three of us almost forgot!
On to more pics:
Sweet tiny feet! And a perfect looking spine.
A slightly less skeleton face. And the "girl proof"!
We FINALLY told the kids about their baby sister and it went over so well. They are so thrilled but Karleigh, much like her mommy, is hopeful but cautious. Jim and I were sitting on the couch at my parents house, doing a little online shopping, and Karleigh came over and asked it the items in the 'shopping bag' were for our friends baby girl.
Jim said "nope, they're for your baby sister."
Karleigh "huh, I don't have a baby sister."
Jim "Actually, you do."
And I handed her the ultrasound photos.
She just looked at us and kind of started to cry her happy tears. And said "Really!?! I have a baby sister!?! Oh my gosh!"
She dove right into the photos labelling them all until she got to the last one which was the "girl shot" and then she laughed that we had pics of girl parts.
She ran up to the kitchen where Rylan was probably bumming food off of my mom and yelled "Rylan, Rylan, we're going to have a baby sister! Mommy has a baby girl in her tummy!"
He came running down to look at the pics and looked all giddy with his hands over his gaping mouth. Of course, shortly after, he asked if she was hiding behind the couch, then he asked if uncle David was bringing her with him... we spent quite a bit of time talking about how far away Spring is. And then... he ran off like a typical 4 year old boy!
Karleigh continued to shop with us and kicked Jim out of his seat. And then her questions and comments started.
"I hope our baby sister doesn't die in your tummy like our baby brother did."
"Well, we HOPE we're going to have a baby sister."
"Is she as big as our Eli was when he died?"
"Can we go listen to her heartbeat?"
"I've been waiting and waiting and waiting like 2 years for you to have a baby!"
"Let's go shopping!"
"I've been waiting and waiting and waiting like 2 years for you to have a baby!"
"Let's go shopping!"
And Rylan's questions
"Why don't you just spit her out now momma?"
"We need a stroller for our baby sitter... siss-ter!"
I'm glad to have the "announcement" out of the way and just about at the last possible moment. My tummy really popped out this last weekend and I 'had' to buy a pair of maternity pants. Karleigh is on us to nail down a name so she doesn't have to keep calling her "baby sister" and has threatened to just call her Lilly until we decide differently. Ü She's happy that we're working on it.
I did finally buy a few things for the little one including a couple little outfits (that my mom will get to see first when the box arrives at her house!) and a boppy pillow cover. I know, nothing big but that IS a big step for me. I also went through our box of baby clothes and yah, all those things I cleaned out, sold and donated when I was pregnant with Eli but didn't know it yet... are all still not in the basement! I have a couple pair of pj's and that's about it. Which just means more sale shopping!
Anyway. We're thrilled that things look just perfect. Life around here has continued on as well, it's certainly not all about baby. We're taking the kids to Zoo Lights tonight, Rylan is certainly "exploring" his defiant side... which he was also doing before the baby info so that's not it... it's just him, being four. I haven't used my doppler in 3 days because I can feel her wiggling and moving so often. So, after the holidays, we will probably start the painting that needs to be done in order for the room shifting to take place.
I feel like I'm in a really good place. Not necessarily totally confident that everything will be ok but I'm totally at peace with the fact that she is not Eli nor Collin and that's ok. She alive because they aren't but I'm also not pining for them if that makes sense. Pregnancy loss sucks but I'm also really excited to see what the future holds!
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