Kitchen Project

As proof positive that I have actually been being kind of productive, I figured it was time to share a few before and after pics of the kitchen. No major construction went on or anything like that so, even though I've spent, literally, days in there... I'm not sure it's a huge change. It is still a "period kitchen" and there's only so much you can do with out ripping things down to the studs. And that? is not going to happen. So, I painted everything, we put on new laminate counter tops, wainscoting and replica stamped copper back splash replacing everything that was done a light yellow color in the 80's. I was also going to change the flooring but I'm not sure I'm that ambitious. I've always disliked this floor... my entire life... and yes, I can say that. I could, however, also go down to my local big box home improvement store and purchase several items that look exactly like it (not that I would, but I could) so, for now, it's functional and staying the way it is.

I still need to get a clock for above the table. The problem there is being able to find one that I like that actually has the Roman numeral four written out IV and not IIII! I know, it's a little thing but it would drive me crazy every time I looked at it. And if I'm wrong about it, please let me know so I can mentally be ok with purchasing one of the options below!

I'm also thinking about getting a different table. Maybe a darker colored table and I want to keep it a smaller 2 person set up. We eat dinner in the dining room so the kitchen table is usually just used for whoever is keeping me company while I'm cooking or cereal in the morning. So, without any more chatter about it, here are the before and after photos.

BEFORE: AFTER:

I still feel like there's more to do. I still have a little bit of touch-up paint, would like new rugs (but the selection right now is not the greatest), I need to pick up some high temp spray paint for the heater and it's probably not worth mentioning since you can't hardly see it in the photos but it's time for a new microwave. In time though. It doesn't have to all be done at once. One of these days I should scan in some photos of what it looked like when we moved in. I have touched nearly every square inch of this house with paint... at least twice! I do it because I love it though.

Happy Blogiversary to Me

There you have it. I've been blogging for a full year now. Actually, a year and a day as of tonight. I'm glad that I've taken the time to do it. I've actually gone back to re-read posts that I've made when someone has asked me about a particular procedure, or tests, or this or that. It's kind of like the baby book that I'll never have for these guys. That doesn't even make me sad. It's nice to have one place that holds the information.

I'm certainly in a different place than I was last year. Last year I was totally frustrated that Eli was totally perfect. Frustrated that there were no preliminary answers for why his heart stopped. It has certainly been a full year. A year of growth and of change for me on a totally different level than I could have ever imagined. And it feels like it all happened so much longer than a year ago.

We are back into the swing of things. Back into being... us. The new us. And at the same time, the old us too. We still enjoy the same things that we did before but maybe we appreciate them more. We try our best to make our home loving and comfortable and most of all, try to live so that we have no regrets. Nothing is taken for granted... not even the cuteness of a total pout!

A Short Update...

I know, I know. It's been almost a week since my last post. I've been in kind of a strange place lately... a place where things feel really ok but at the same time I'm still really impacted by the losses that my friends are dealing with and I find myself constantly thinking about them and praying for them. To keep my mind occupied, I've been spending the last week working on the house, outside and in. I've been pretty much holed up in the kitchen since Monday working on painting it and such. Last night I was working on the back splash, with the window open, breathing in the cool fresh air and the next thing I knew, I was getting hit in the face with snow! So, this was the view that I got to experience today while continuing to paint:

I'll be glad to have this big project behind me. It would be one thing if it were just the walls but it's cabinets inside and out and ceiling and walls. A lot of primer, a lot of paint and a lot of time. I hope to have it wrapped up very soon so we can get back to life as "normal".

We have gotten into a good rhythm with breakfast, 'school', snack, Wii time for the kids/work time for mom... it's been good. We will be adding some more play dates back in since Rylan's little buddy moved back to town, a year sooner than we were expecting! It's good.

Eli's Birthday (part 2)

Turns out, as with most everything, the anticipation was far worse than the reality. The day didn't come and go without tears but it also didn't come and go without laughter. I want to thank each and every one of you who sent messages of support today, here, on BBC, on Facebook and email. It's nice to know that Jim and I weren't alone today.

I didn't have any big epiphanies or anything like that this afternoon but I did get some yard work done while the weather was still nice and the kids both napped, at the same time, for me. I also connected with a gal who I went, pretty much, all through school with. Sadly though, it's because "this" part of our lives is so similar. It just goes to show that you never know who has walked a similar path. From the outside things can look so perfect and on the inside, you can feel very broken. I am very blessed that I had the support system in place that I did. Part of that support system was there because again, someone else had walked the path before me. It stinks that we have to feel the emotional and, frankly, physical pain of losing our babies but it's also part of the beauty of life. Where one story ends, another one begins.

I received a card in the mail today that craked me up... it (was pink, thankyouverymuch!) and had a Tori Amos quote on the front - "You know that saying, bad things don't happen to good people? That's a lie." That's sure the truth isn't it? Bad, I guess though, is a relative term and we get to decide what we view as "bad" and that is where so much power lies. Sure, it's easy to say that losing 7 pregnancies is a bad thing but then I think about all the "good" things that have come from it and it certainly lessens the sting of the losses.

I must say that it's actually quite nice to have all of the "firsts" behind me now. Do I think that now that I've gone through all of the grief stages that I'm going to wake up tomorrow morning feeling like my old "pimptastic" (words from an old-school guy friend today) self? Probably not, but there is a relief in having this first year behind me... for Eli at least.

Eli's Birthday (part 1)

What am I supposed to do with this day?
Say?
Think?

"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go."

Joshua 1:9

I know, without a doubt, that there are people who think that I should just be done with "it". It being my babies that were very much wanted and loved - dreams that were rearranged and lives that were turned upside down. I will never be over it. My heart will always skip a beat when I hear one of my kids' names over a loud speaker in a store, or on TV, or in casual conversation. Eli has been gone a year now and Collin has be gone for 6 weeks. On the bright side, I have a handful of women supporting me and who understand what a fickle thing this is. If I want to laugh, that's great. If I find myself crying for "no reason", that's ok too. I feel like I must be a stronger person than I ever thought I could be but I certainly don't feel like it.

This is a birthday with no invitations, no balloons, no gifts wrapped in blue paper, no party, no candle, no cake, no little guest of honor, just the memory of a sweet little boy who we miss every day. The only birthday gifts are those that Eli's presence in my life has given me. Because of him I have learned so much and been given 'something' that not many people get to experience. This last year has taught me a lot about myself. I'm not going to get into all the things that I have learned because that can get pretty personal, and that's saying something considering how open I am here. The bottom line is that I have, obviously, learned that I can handle so much more than I thought I could and it didn't kill me. I'm still waiting to feel the 'makes me stronger' part but I know it's just under the surface.

There are so many thoughts going through my head this morning that I'm going to have to stop now but I'll be back, I'm sure, this evening after I've had a chance to get outside, soak up some winter sun next to Eli's garden, just 'be' and pray. And on that note, Lacey sent me an email the other day with this poem in it. I was surprised that it's one that I'd never read before...

I'm sure if he could tell you, "Thank You," he would.
I'm sure he would want you to know that he loved being a part of your lives even though brief.
He remembers the belly rubs, soothing sounds of your voices, and the adrenalin of wanting him so badly.


I'm sure if he could, he'd tell you..he's with you forever.
He will remember you both in his own angelic way, watching over you, holding onto your souls with his little hands and never releasing.
He's all around you, touching your thoughts and hugging your memories.
He smiles and laughs to comfort you each day you feel sad.
He's happy for your strength and needs your hope to help him fly.


I'm sure if he could tell you, "Thank You," he would,
For all the powerful love, for remembering him, for holding him when he was born and missing him when he became your angel.
He knows he is your combined, manifested pure love and he is your hope.


He's the light in your window, he's the hope in your heart, he's the baby angel that throws the first snowflake upon your face- his kiss to Mommy and Daddy.
Just know that the smiles on your faces help him get through his day, too, and he knows you love him, knows you miss him, and wants you to know that he's watching over you both.
If he could tell you..I know he would.

~Melanie Johnson Isayev

Whiplash

I kind of feel like I've been giving myself whiplash over the last few days. It's no surprise at all that it is because a year ago, today, I was lying in a hospital bed on the L&D floor, not totally knowing what to expect from the process but being fully aware of the outcome. The weather today is exactly the same as it was last year - bright winter sun, filtered through a high layer of clouds. You can feel the warmth coming through the windows but the air still has a little bite to it. I'm sure this weather will always take me back to that place last year. The last few days have been very strange. I'm also dealing with messed up hormones from losing Collin. Double whammy. My emotions have been a little more exaggerated higher highs and lower lows. But through it all He keeps holding me.

I've been trying to keep my body and mind really busy by working outside, working inside, playing with the kids, teaching the kids, brainstorming house projects and other various things. It, for the most part has been really helpful.
For the most part...
Yesterday was a great day. We went to story time at the library, then to lunch at Ikea so the kids could watch airplanes and the MAX train. We picked up the furniture for Rylan's room. We stopped by the school supplies store. The weather was beautiful and I felt great! I set to work on Rylan's room and ended up getting the ceiling, walls and floor all painted before my bed time. He slept in Karleigh's bed and she fell asleep in ours.

There's something cruel about grief though. It doesn't have any rules that it has to follow. It can just hit you whether you give it permission to or not. I wasn't even sad while working on Rylan's room, in fact, I was thrilled that I had decided to paint the ceiling - it really needed it - and I loved that the paint color really did turn out the way I was hoping. I was cruising along with the radio on to keep my mind from drifting. I moved on to painting his floor and as I got to the last 3 square feet, I just started silently bawling!?!? I kept painting over the tears. I don't even know what set me off, I wasn't even really thinking about anything. I think it was just one of those "this looks so much cleaner..." things and then I was quickly thrown into the thoughts of there I was, painting a bigger boy room instead of a nursery. And not only was I crying about the fact that had Eli not died, it would be the nursery for a little guy who would be starting to crawl, eating solid foods, squealing with delight at everything around him... it would be different. And then I was crying about the fact that had Collin not died, I'd have been painting for a nursery at 20 weeks pregnant with him.
But, that's not what I was doing.
I was painting a big boy room for the sweetest, funniest little guy that I know. And while that thrilled me, the ache was unstoppable.

I haven't gotten much sleep over the last couple days either. I've said it before and I've heard other people say it as well, your mind and body remember on their own whether you purposefully give into or not. I slept almost 4 hours last night and about the same, maybe a little less, the night before. I just can't turn my brain off. I can't stop the memories of last year. I hope this is just a hurdle that I need to get over and I will have all the 'firsts' behind me. I don't know though. I do know that there is peace in my sadness. I know that my sorrow is only for me and what I feel like I'm missing here.

I don't know where this broken road is going to lead me but wherever it's headed I will not be alone. How appropriate that this is the verse from my daily e-votional, dated for tomorrow:

Psalm 46:1-3
"God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea, though its waters roar and foam and the mountains quake with their surging. Selah"

I suppose that since I posted about drama while working on Rylan's room, I should show his before and after shots too. I don't think his are dramatic as Karleigh's since the wall color is, essentially, the same but we really like it and even more important, he loves it! Though the goofball crawled into bed for nap this afternoon and looked at me with a twinkle in his eye and asked, "Hey! Where's my hockey pillow!?!" I have no idea what his current fascination with teasing me with hockey statements has come from.

Before:

After:

Wordless Wednesday