Family Date Night...

So, I know yesterday's post was VERY short and here's why! Jim decided that it was time for a "family date". He got us tickets to go to the Portland Beavers game last night and we had a blast... but it gets even better.

I decided yesterday morning that I should probably check and see what the weather report was supposed to be since while I was checking it, our house was surrounded by soupy fog. I logged on to one of the local TV station's sites and sweet, they forecast a high of 70 - not bad. And then I saw it. The big 'ol banner ad for the Rose Festival Starlight Parade... The game was at 7pm, the parade started at 8:30 and it was to disband just a few blocks from the ball park. Great. Luckily, we had already planned on parking on the outskirts and riding MAX (the light rail train) into the city so we didn't have to deal with parking and traffic and mostly because the kids LOVE every time we see MAX while we're out and about. BEST. PLAN. EVER! (pretty much) So, we revised the plan a little bit and instead of parking where plan A would have had us park, we made a plan B and parked closer to the airport. We got all situated and walked up to the ticket kiosk and someone mentioned that it was out of order. Not a huge deal, you don't NEED a ticket to get on the train but if you don't have a valid $2.05 ticket, the fine is around $250! So, we all board the train anyway and ride to the next stop, get off, walk OVER the freeway... there's a foot bridge, we did not have to dodge traffic... buy the whopping $4.10 worth of tickets since the kids are free, walk back over the foot bridge and wait for the next train. No biggie but it did put us about 20 minutes behind schedule.

The kids loved MAX just about as much as we thought they would, maybe a little more. They sat quietly, looking out the window except for every so often we're hear R say, "chooooo chooooo!" As we pulled in closer to Portland K was blown away by the "beautiful birds..." - pigeons and the "pretty paintings..." - graffiti. I think we might need to get the kids out a little more often! They started to get a little impatient, and I'll admit that they weren't the only ones. The MAX trains were having a tough time staying on schedule and moving quickly from stop to stop as there were so many passengers trying to get on with their strollers and coolers and lawn chairs and huge families who were all going to the parade and hopefully not the game since it was free jersey night for the first 1,500 kids!

We finally arrived at PGE park about 15 minutes before the game and the kids got their shirts! Woohoo! We picked our seats and the kids were in heaven. They loved every minute of the players, the music, Lucky the Beaver, the cheering. From where we were sitting, they could also watch MAX run right past the outfield wall, the school buses finding the parking spots (to pick up their students after the parade) and the Portland Police cars with their lights on for traffic control. Did I mention how glad I am that we didn't drive downtown? Shortly after the game started the "requests" for peanuts and dinner and cotton candy started. No problem - we had planned for that too.

Jim went to get the food and so to keep the kids entertained, cause you know, it's not like there was a GAME to entertain them... we took a few snapshots. $28 later, Jim returned with 4 hot dogs, 3 sodas and a bag of roasted peanuts. The cotton candy came later and *gasp* the kids didn't even like it! By the middle of the 7th inning the Beavers were up 5 to nothing and we had pretty much exceeded the kids' ability to sit still without whining and fussing. K had been watching the big clock on the score board and started getting pretty worked up when she realized that it was well after 8:30 and she knew that the parade started at that time and she soooo wanted to see the parade. So, we packed up our little bag and headed out.

We walked a few blocks and I kid you not, just as we walked to the end of the block near the disbanding area, the very first parade entry was coming down the road! The kids got big shiny Portland Fire & Rescue stickers and one of the firefighters commented on R and his Montana Grizzlies sweatshirt which K thought was super cool, mommy thought so too! We stood and watched the parade until the kids started asking about riding the train back to the car. They were pretty tired but so good! They had lots of fresh air, walking and by this time it was about 10:30. So, no arguments from us, we headed off to the nearest MAX stop and found that the ticket kiosk was out of order. No biggie, each of the stops is only about 2 blocks apart so we walked down to the next one, all the while we can see and hear the parade twisting and turning through town and the weather wasn't bad at all, so really not a big deal. We got to the next kiosk and this one was happy to take our money... and spit it right back out over and over again! On to the next stop... kiosk out of order! The NEXT spot to get a ticket was Pioneer Courthouse Square where they have three kiosks on that side of the route. ALL out of order but at the last one there were two nice Tri-Met workers who we could finally give our money to and start our trip home, legally. The kids both fell asleep on the crowded train where we had to listen to a group of 5 freshmen girls talk about how they were "halfway to old"... old being 30 obviously. *sigh* Seriously? I would much rather be "old" than 15 again so haha on them!

We poured the kids into their car seats and headed home. When we asked them what their favorite part was... you guessed it, their free ride on MAX and the free parade. Note to self... I now know from this week that you don't need to be pretty OR rich to have fun! It was so nice to go on a family date and enjoy the area that we do love so much!

A Close Call...

Phew, almost missed a post... we were lovin' on Portland tonight and JUST got in! I'll share the details tomorrow! Nighty, Night!

Funny Friday Fotos...

Hebrews 11:1

Faith is being sure of what we hope for.

So one of my God-sent friends emailed this to me this evening. Perfect! I love how she just comes across something and sends it on. She doesn't have to say anything else, just passes along a thought and sometimes that can say more than pages and pages. That scripture made me sigh one of those good cleansing sighs, the "okay God, you're right" sighs. I had a really good day today with the kids. We played outside, planted two kinds of sunflowers, radishes, peas and corn. Karleigh tended to her wildflower garden by picking out the grass clippings from when Jim mowed the lawn last night and she watered it. Rylan loved the 'stick hunt' that we went on to make the pea posts. It was just a really great day. I made time for each of them one on one and I had that passing thought of "what am I doing? I have it so great right now..." but it still really feels like there's something missing. I have faith that I'll get to do this all one more time. I do.

Even after we came in from playing outside there were cuddles and stories and hanging out. K was working very intently on a coloring a big Cinderella picture (which looks beautiful by the way) and R wanted some more lap time so here's what two goofballs can do with 5 minutes or so. Oh, and we were sitting in the office on the desk chair so there was lots of spinning around too... that spin until you almost throw up thing isn't nearly as fun as it used to be! Sorry about the no makeup, disheveled look but hey, we were outside all day and you don't have to be pretty to have fun thank goodness!

I hope you had a wonderful Friday and have a lovely weekend!

What is Wrong with Me?

I'm kind of serious about that question. I have been so --- I don't know...

Checked out isn't the right term because I feel like I'm more present.
Tuned out isn't really right either because I'm paying more attention to the things around me.
Scattered could be the right term, but then again I'm accomplishing more than I have in quite a few months now.
Unemotional isn't right either because I can still get teary at the silliest things and I still get mad, annoyed and frustrated.
Disconnected... maybe disconnected is the right word but still it's not quite right.

Maybe there isn't a word for it this strange grief limbo land. I kind of feel like that little kid in The Incredibles when he's hanging out in the driveway, staring at Mr. Incredible and Mr. Incredible says "Well... what are you waiting for?" and the little boy says "I don't know. Something amazing!" Me too.
I just kind of feel like I'm waiting. Waiting to feel better? Waiting to feel worse? More? Less? Different? I don't know. I kind of feel like there should be some sort of circle that needs to be completed when dealing with this grief and not only does it feel incomplete, it feels like I'm not really even gaining any ground.

I find my mind drifting off to the "could have been's" still and that's ok though because I don't get totally sad or worked up or slammed into a depression about it. It just kind of triggers an "oh yah... that's not happening is it?" response and I move on. Of course now that we are thinking about the future again I also find myself trying to day dream about the possibilities for our family but when I do that, sometimes my moments of excitement are interrupted with feelings of guilt. Ack. Not fair. I want to be able to think about the future without total terror that it won't happen or that it will happen and then it'll be taken away from me again. *if you could see me right now, you'd see that I'm pouting a little bit* Don't worry, I'm not mad at God. I'm mad at myself for expecting something from a situation that cannot have any expectations.

I know I haven't written much lately but it's because of the above thoughts and the fact that I can't really nail any one significant thing down. I have read recently about mom's who just "know" that something is going to go wrong with their pregnancy. I kind of felt this way with Eli too. It's very difficult to explain but everything that I thought, everything that I did had the disclaimer of "if this really happens" or "if this works out". I think the few people that were kept in the loop about my purchases know exactly what I'm talking about. The infant insert that I purchased to use with the Ergo carrier was purchased off of Craigslist because "I want something gender neutral and plus, I'm not paying full price when I don't even know the future for sure." The excellent new Silver Cross stroller that I got for a steal... "and it's heavy duty enough that if things don't work out, Rylan can always use it or I can resell it on Craigslist". The diaper bag... "it's a mom accessory and plus, I can always use it for a gift for someone else if it ends up that way." Seriously, I justified every purchase with why it would be ok, even if the baby didn't "happen". I spent hours upon hours trying to really visualize what it would be like to have K & R at their respective ages with a newborn and it never really happened. I had the PLAN down but the emotion that usually goes with a plan that you believe in, wasn't there. It is strange. Oddly enough, when I couldn't find his heart beat that Sunday, it wasn't "no! no! no!" it was more like silent tears and "I knew it... figures." Sure I prayed my heart out for me to be wrong but I knew. It's strange but there's my confession. I think it was God's way of protecting my heart a bit. That doesn't mean that it didn't hurt and doesn't still hurt to this day. What it means is that He knew how much I could take and thankfully, he blessed me by putting a buffer on my heart.

I don't know how long I'm going to be hanging out here in "Limbo Land" but I guess I'll take the time to get some much needed sleep since I'm not super emotionally charged in one direction or another. I'll take the time to accomplish as many tasks around the house as possible (or that I feel like 'cause honey, that basement is your domain!) I'll take the time to just "be" with my kids. I'll try to enjoy every day even if it's full of fog and heavy mist. I will find something good from this but I guess this is just one of those really boring legs of the journey.

Until tomorrow...

My 100th Post is on a Wordless Wednesday...

Garden Update...

As you may have noticed, my thoughts over the last few days have been pretty scattered. So, instead of trying to say anything that makes any sense, I thought I'd show an updated photo of Eli's Garden from this evening. The sun finally came out for a bit late this afternoon so we took advantage of it as best we could. We finally came in when it was totally dark and K realized that there were bats flying around outside!



I'm keeping it short and sweet tonight as we have a project that we're going to work on for a bit now that the kids are in bed and asleep. It's nice to have their help most times, but when it involves paint... not so much!

Scratched and Bruised...

Psalm 37:1-7
"Delight yourself in the LORD and He will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the LORD; trust in Him and He will do this: He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn, the justice of your cause like the noonday sun."

I have to believe that this is true. Number one, because I cannot imagine going through the life always expecting and assuming the worst. I tend to be a fairly optimistic person and I don't believe that my God tortures his children by giving them trial after trial after trial. Sure, there are some people that seem to be handed a whole lot more but many of them seem to come through it with flying colors and so much stronger. Number two, I believe it since it is written in His word. Now, I will admit that I am dealing with having some "issues" with what is written and how some people are using the written word to attack God. There are quite a few things in the Old Testament that I struggle with but, that's for me to continue to study. Hummm, that was kind of a tangent wasn't it?

Today was one of those grey, foggy days. Not the beautiful kick-start to summer that everyone has been longing for. I was able to get more done on this office floor and my fingers are half numb as I type this and they're achy and scratched but I know the end result will be worth it. Seems like that's the way so many things are going in my life right now. Scratched and bruised but all for a good cause, I hope.