P... Posing for Photos

I hate it. Hate posing for photos.
It's, literally, painful for me.
To say I'm much more comfortable behind my camera would be a major. HUGE. understatement.
I've never been a photogenic person. As a child I messed up many a family and school picture.
It's still pointed out.
And joked about.
But at least now we're in the digital age so countless photos can be snapped to get a decent one without "wasting" film on me.

This A-Z Challenge is about pushing ourselves and I've been trying to move outside of my comfort zone in several areas. This area would take a whole lot more work than I'm willing to put in. I know the "rules" for getting a pleasing photo - if you're a woman and it bends, bend it. Chin slightly down and out... yet, when it comes to me. ACK!

P is also for promise and I promised Ella that I would post a picture of the Shabby Apple dress that I won on her blog. It arrived yesterday evening so I had Jim go out and take a few pics.
I felt ridiculous.
The pictures were... eh.

So, today I took Rylan outside with me. It's always easier for me, if my kid is behind the camera. They judge less and talk like they're professionals. Rylan was all: "turn a little more" "you look beeeeeautiful!" "Nice!" It's fun to set him up and just let him go. Jim... he doesn't judge but you know... another adult... very different.

Anyway! I found one in the bunch that I was ok with:

I really like the idea behind this dress and it is very comfortable! However, for me, to be perfect, it needs some tweaking. I'm not built like a model so the front darts hit me in a kind of funny place (which is odd because if I were taller, they'd hit me even lower I think) and the color of the top is a pretty tough sell but I don't have anything like it so it was wonderful to receive it and I can't wait to try it out a few other ways. Thanks Ella!

O... Oranges

Oranges!
Orange is totally Rylan's favorite color. It always has been, which I've always found a bit odd because well... orange? Not many people choose that as their favorite color.
But he is steadfast.
Orange IS the best color.
Also? Oranges have always been one of his favorite foods. The kid would eat mandarin orange packs hand over fist. He was able to peel and eat clementines from a very young age. If we have to grab fast food, we usually end up at Wendy's so that he can choose oranges over fries. You get the idea.

I thought it would be fun to look up what it could possibly mean. Here's what this website had to say:
Orange: This color of luxury and pleasure appeals to the flamboyant and fun-loving person who likes a lively social round. Orange people may be inclined to dramatize a bit, and people notice them, but they are generally good-natured and popular. They can be a little fickle and vacillating, but on the whole they try hard to be agreeable. Orange is the color of youth, strength, fearlessness, curiosity and restlessness.

Yup, my little dude seems to come by his love of orange naturally!

N... Nurture

We nurture our children. It's nature! Karleigh has really been looking for her niche and it's so fun to watch her start to realize where she excels, to watch her embrace that and to watch her work towards improving while we cheer her on.

Today she had a soccer game and scored three goals. She's pretty cute out there, seems to have a love for the game and genuinely enjoys her time out there. Besides being an incredible student, I also think she has an eye for art and she enjoys that too. This evening we went into Portland to have dinner with a wonderful family that is in town from north of Seattle. On the way back to the van Karleigh asked if she could take some pictures so of course I told her "yes!" (I love the idea of doing an photo walk) After she took them, I asked her what she saw in them and she loved all the bright colors and personality so I got home and bumped two of them up a bit in photoshop.

I may get frustrated, anger too quickly, get annoyed too easily but nurturing my children is something I adore!

M... MOMents

Life is made up of lots of moments. But as a mom, some of those are just MOMents. At 7:00 this morning, my baby girl turned one.
Our Stelly Bean.
Our realized dream.
The baby we hoped and prayed and tried and cried for for over 3 years.
The baby who helped soften some of the scars of the past.
The baby who looks more like her mom than her dad.
The baby who hates to get dirty.
Who instead of going crazy in her baths, just lies back and relaxes like she's at the spa.
Who loves bunnies, bubbles, balloons, powdered donuts, family, playing tag and long naps.
She's serious and loving but also has a funny bone.
She's everything we hoped she would be.
She's more than we imagined she could be.
And I am beyond thankful for every moment with her and for each MOMent with which she blesses me.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY SWEET STELLA CLAIRE!

L... Lost

Lost in a land of little people and little Little People.



...it's been fun!

K... Kristi

That's me. ...taken this afternoon as I waited for Rylan to get done with school today. I dropped my camera and before it hit the floor of the van, my finger hit the shutter button and that was the result. I was going to delete it but then thought it was kind of interesting. An odd perspective - thank goodness no boogers! I realized that it's probably really close to the perspective that my kids have of me quite frequently. And while I sat in the quiet of the van, Stella sleeping away behind me, Jim waiting outside Rylan's classroom door, I had a chance to really think about what it must be like to be one of my kids.

To be the ones looking at that face all the time.

During the "I love you's" and the "that decision really disappointed me's" and the "just stop!'s". There have been lots of the former and too many of the latter. I have felt really tested by Rylan lately. He is such a smart, smart kid but he also has some quirky behaviors. I have never been the mom of a 5 1/2 year old boy before so I don't even know what I should be expecting of him. He has been making behavioral improvements at school by leaps and bounds but at home we're still dealing with some issues. Thankfully, he is not a bully, he's not mean, he doesn't have a mean bone in his body but he does have a lot of energy and he can be verbally defiant. And honestly, it can get exhausting keeping his mind busy. He is constantly asking me math problems or asking me to ask him math problems or he'll practice counting by 4's because he has the 1's, 2's, 5's and 10's down pat. He'll come to me and ask me how to spell random words and if we don't keep his mind busy he starts going a little bonkers. Anyway, I get frustrated too easily with him (with both of the older kids actually) and I hate the thought of what I look like from their perspective. Hate it.

So, with this one picture I saw the light bulb. I have come to realize that I have pretty high expectations. Kindness in a non-negotiable, however I'm going to try to lighten up a bit in other areas and see what happens. I want my kids to see and remember Kind Kristi and not Krazy Kristi.

J... Jumbled

I confess. I am a bit of a jumbled mess today.
What's up with that?!
I have no clue what I'll write about today so it's probably going to be more of a stream of consciousness type thing.

The sun is shining. The baby slept straight through the night last night - I'm talking 8:30 - 7:30 people! ...although I tossed and turned until well after 1:30. Lame. I don't feel like I have tons on my plate right now... yet? I feel like a jumbled mess.

I attribute some of it to Stella's upcoming first birthday. Not the party. The ACTUAL birthDAY. In less then 3 days I will have a one year old. A breathing, walking, talking, little person. That kind of freaks me out. After so much work, so much heartache, so many prayers to get her here. She's here. And she's nearly one. And it's gone so fast!

I'm also feeling the itch to be "creative" but... not sure with what, or where, or how! LOL Oh and the perfectionist in me tends to think, if it can't be perfect then why do it? I know. Crazy, right?

I have learned however, that this tends to just be a passing phase with me. I get over it and laugh about in fairly short order which is good, because I used to feel like I really had a place where I could go, get it off my chest, work through it and move up and move on but even that safety net seems to have been shifted a bit so that in turn, got me thinking about how often that happens throughout our lives. How some people come into our lives and stay for a life time and how others come into our lives when we need them but they're quick to come along and quick to leave.

Which reminds me of this post from March 18, 2008:

Smacked Upside the Head...

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And how that's not always a bad thing.

I got smacked upside the head today in the most fabulous way!

It was something that made me cry and smile at the same time.

You see, I was trying to act "normal" today, keep my mind off things that I cannot control and be a bit productive at the same time (multi-tasking at its finest). Our office/guest room closet is pretty much my arch-nemesis. Everything seems to end up in that closet. That's also where my maternity clothes were so my first goal was to get those boxed up so they would quit laughing at me every time I opened the door. Next step was to gut the closet. Finally, having made quite a bit of progress, I came to yet another box. It held some things that I had cleaned out of my grandma and grandpa's little desk a year or so ago. And by "cleaned" I mean, just stuck in a box and moved it to another place in the house - out of sight, out of mind. I knew what was in there - old check books, bank statements, closed account notices from every time grandpa decided to switch banks. Anyway, I was quickly thumbing through each envelope before it went in a burn pile box. A tiny slip of paper fell out and on to the bed. It was folded in half and when I opened it I could tell it was grandma who had written it.

It reads: "Time and tide move on and we move with them or we find ourselves defending battlements that have been deserted, not only by our enemies, but by our friends as well."

Those words were written down and that paper was folded in half at least 20 years ago based on her handwriting and the dates on the envelopes that it fell from. Even knowing that those words were speaking very loudly to me, I consciously thought "no way..." and actually said out loud, "... not sure I believe I was MEANT to find that today." So, I folded it back up, set it on the end table and went to make my lunch. I heated my soup on the stove and sat down at my computer while it was warming. I opened my email and the e-votional in my in box was "BELIEVE!" - as if it was shouting at me. So, I opened it, read it about four times and yes I do believe that that note was written years ago for me to find it today. I've been having a rough few days, doing the questioning thing, being a bit angry and not letting things 'roll' like I normally would.

To quote several passages from the message today...

"Faith is always a choice. If we believers had to have things proven to us before we chose to believe, it would not be faith, but a rational action. Real faith requires us to step into the unknown and believe in Jesus because of what we read in His Word, not as a result of what we rationalize."

"As disciples of our Lord Jesus Christ, we need to come to the place in our spiritual life where we quit the impossible task of trying to figure things out. The Lord knows our present situation as well as what lies ahead for us. One of our biggest problems is that we spend too much time looking at our personal situation instead of looking to the One who is able to control our situations."

"What is the impossible thing in your life that dominates your life? Let me tell you that you have three choices: 1. You can try to solve the problem with your own abilities and continue with the conflict you now are experiencing. 2. You can place it in the hands of the Lord, but still keep your focus on the impossible situation. 3. You can place it in His hands and then keep your eyes on Him. The choice is yours. I trust and pray that you make the third choice and that it will be your final answer!"

I have been saying all along that I have faith and hope and that I believe that there is a reason for all of this but I have always added the disclaimer "I just want to know what it is". I am working really hard to remind myself to remove that qualifier. I have to. I believe that God made sure that grandma wrote those words (which by the way, I can't seem to tie to anyone even with all the powers of Google), that she folded the paper and it ended up tucked in between some old bank statements. I believe that last year it didn't fall out when I put everything in the box because I wasn't meant to find and read it until today. It's all kind of overwhelming to know that God knew that my grandma would have a great grandson who wouldn't live to take a breath, a granddaughter who needed desperately to read those words but would question them and have the need to believe reaffirmed.

It all goes back to that passage from a week or so ago (that I had come across a number of times in the same day)

From Psalm 139
16 Your eyes saw my unformed substance;
in your book were written, every one of them,
the days that were formed for me,
when as yet there was none of them.

WOW!

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So, a big ol' long post, reminding me of some very important things. Not too bad for such a jumbled day, and I feel a bit more grounded again too.