K... Kristi

That's me. ...taken this afternoon as I waited for Rylan to get done with school today. I dropped my camera and before it hit the floor of the van, my finger hit the shutter button and that was the result. I was going to delete it but then thought it was kind of interesting. An odd perspective - thank goodness no boogers! I realized that it's probably really close to the perspective that my kids have of me quite frequently. And while I sat in the quiet of the van, Stella sleeping away behind me, Jim waiting outside Rylan's classroom door, I had a chance to really think about what it must be like to be one of my kids.

To be the ones looking at that face all the time.

During the "I love you's" and the "that decision really disappointed me's" and the "just stop!'s". There have been lots of the former and too many of the latter. I have felt really tested by Rylan lately. He is such a smart, smart kid but he also has some quirky behaviors. I have never been the mom of a 5 1/2 year old boy before so I don't even know what I should be expecting of him. He has been making behavioral improvements at school by leaps and bounds but at home we're still dealing with some issues. Thankfully, he is not a bully, he's not mean, he doesn't have a mean bone in his body but he does have a lot of energy and he can be verbally defiant. And honestly, it can get exhausting keeping his mind busy. He is constantly asking me math problems or asking me to ask him math problems or he'll practice counting by 4's because he has the 1's, 2's, 5's and 10's down pat. He'll come to me and ask me how to spell random words and if we don't keep his mind busy he starts going a little bonkers. Anyway, I get frustrated too easily with him (with both of the older kids actually) and I hate the thought of what I look like from their perspective. Hate it.

So, with this one picture I saw the light bulb. I have come to realize that I have pretty high expectations. Kindness in a non-negotiable, however I'm going to try to lighten up a bit in other areas and see what happens. I want my kids to see and remember Kind Kristi and not Krazy Kristi.

J... Jumbled

I confess. I am a bit of a jumbled mess today.
What's up with that?!
I have no clue what I'll write about today so it's probably going to be more of a stream of consciousness type thing.

The sun is shining. The baby slept straight through the night last night - I'm talking 8:30 - 7:30 people! ...although I tossed and turned until well after 1:30. Lame. I don't feel like I have tons on my plate right now... yet? I feel like a jumbled mess.

I attribute some of it to Stella's upcoming first birthday. Not the party. The ACTUAL birthDAY. In less then 3 days I will have a one year old. A breathing, walking, talking, little person. That kind of freaks me out. After so much work, so much heartache, so many prayers to get her here. She's here. And she's nearly one. And it's gone so fast!

I'm also feeling the itch to be "creative" but... not sure with what, or where, or how! LOL Oh and the perfectionist in me tends to think, if it can't be perfect then why do it? I know. Crazy, right?

I have learned however, that this tends to just be a passing phase with me. I get over it and laugh about in fairly short order which is good, because I used to feel like I really had a place where I could go, get it off my chest, work through it and move up and move on but even that safety net seems to have been shifted a bit so that in turn, got me thinking about how often that happens throughout our lives. How some people come into our lives and stay for a life time and how others come into our lives when we need them but they're quick to come along and quick to leave.

Which reminds me of this post from March 18, 2008:

Smacked Upside the Head...

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And how that's not always a bad thing.

I got smacked upside the head today in the most fabulous way!

It was something that made me cry and smile at the same time.

You see, I was trying to act "normal" today, keep my mind off things that I cannot control and be a bit productive at the same time (multi-tasking at its finest). Our office/guest room closet is pretty much my arch-nemesis. Everything seems to end up in that closet. That's also where my maternity clothes were so my first goal was to get those boxed up so they would quit laughing at me every time I opened the door. Next step was to gut the closet. Finally, having made quite a bit of progress, I came to yet another box. It held some things that I had cleaned out of my grandma and grandpa's little desk a year or so ago. And by "cleaned" I mean, just stuck in a box and moved it to another place in the house - out of sight, out of mind. I knew what was in there - old check books, bank statements, closed account notices from every time grandpa decided to switch banks. Anyway, I was quickly thumbing through each envelope before it went in a burn pile box. A tiny slip of paper fell out and on to the bed. It was folded in half and when I opened it I could tell it was grandma who had written it.

It reads: "Time and tide move on and we move with them or we find ourselves defending battlements that have been deserted, not only by our enemies, but by our friends as well."

Those words were written down and that paper was folded in half at least 20 years ago based on her handwriting and the dates on the envelopes that it fell from. Even knowing that those words were speaking very loudly to me, I consciously thought "no way..." and actually said out loud, "... not sure I believe I was MEANT to find that today." So, I folded it back up, set it on the end table and went to make my lunch. I heated my soup on the stove and sat down at my computer while it was warming. I opened my email and the e-votional in my in box was "BELIEVE!" - as if it was shouting at me. So, I opened it, read it about four times and yes I do believe that that note was written years ago for me to find it today. I've been having a rough few days, doing the questioning thing, being a bit angry and not letting things 'roll' like I normally would.

To quote several passages from the message today...

"Faith is always a choice. If we believers had to have things proven to us before we chose to believe, it would not be faith, but a rational action. Real faith requires us to step into the unknown and believe in Jesus because of what we read in His Word, not as a result of what we rationalize."

"As disciples of our Lord Jesus Christ, we need to come to the place in our spiritual life where we quit the impossible task of trying to figure things out. The Lord knows our present situation as well as what lies ahead for us. One of our biggest problems is that we spend too much time looking at our personal situation instead of looking to the One who is able to control our situations."

"What is the impossible thing in your life that dominates your life? Let me tell you that you have three choices: 1. You can try to solve the problem with your own abilities and continue with the conflict you now are experiencing. 2. You can place it in the hands of the Lord, but still keep your focus on the impossible situation. 3. You can place it in His hands and then keep your eyes on Him. The choice is yours. I trust and pray that you make the third choice and that it will be your final answer!"

I have been saying all along that I have faith and hope and that I believe that there is a reason for all of this but I have always added the disclaimer "I just want to know what it is". I am working really hard to remind myself to remove that qualifier. I have to. I believe that God made sure that grandma wrote those words (which by the way, I can't seem to tie to anyone even with all the powers of Google), that she folded the paper and it ended up tucked in between some old bank statements. I believe that last year it didn't fall out when I put everything in the box because I wasn't meant to find and read it until today. It's all kind of overwhelming to know that God knew that my grandma would have a great grandson who wouldn't live to take a breath, a granddaughter who needed desperately to read those words but would question them and have the need to believe reaffirmed.

It all goes back to that passage from a week or so ago (that I had come across a number of times in the same day)

From Psalm 139
16 Your eyes saw my unformed substance;
in your book were written, every one of them,
the days that were formed for me,
when as yet there was none of them.

WOW!

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So, a big ol' long post, reminding me of some very important things. Not too bad for such a jumbled day, and I feel a bit more grounded again too.

I... Inspire

There are a lot of really great "I" words that I could have used for this A-Z Challenge but I just couldn't get the word "inspire" out of my head all weekend long. It wasn't a heavens opened, angels sang, stars aligned inspiring weekend, but I think that's part of why the word kept ping-ponging around in my head. It doesn't have to be easy or right in front of me but I try to look for inspiration in even the most mundane or misplayed things.

I personally think the word inspire is a word that carries a lot of weight and responsibility. I hear so many people say, for instance, "She inspires me to be a better... (I don't know, let's go with)... painter." When really? I think they're really saying "She makes me want to be a better painter."

To me, inspire means that you take it and you actually DO with it! You don't dream about it, you don't just think about it or pine over it or covet it. You DO it. I don't want to "inspire" someone if it means they just sit back and say "Man, that's great. I wish I could do that." I want someone to take whatever it is that they feel inspired by and actually DO it.

I was (sort of, between Stella's crying fits) watching Eat. Pray. Love. yesterday... a movie that I didn't find all that inspirational at all. I imagine the book is far better. But inspiration can be found everywhere. One quote from the whole movie really spoke to me:

Ruin is a gift. Ruin IS the road to transformation. -Eat, Pray, Love

Who or what really. REALLY, inspires you? Make sure you take that inspiration and use it. Do it. Love it. Live it.

H... Holland

It looks a bit like we visited Holland today. We didn't. We decided to seize the decent weather and head to the tulip festival. The fields weren't nearly in full bloom the way they were when we visited two years ago but the sun was peeking through and that was a very nice bonus.

I had hopes of getting some cute photos of the kids. Not so much. The light was ever changing and very challenging. Stella slept horribly last night - she has quite a snotty nose and super wet cough and while she loved being outside, she did not really find the joy in being put down today.

But, since we were in "Holland" we made the best of what we had and enjoyed our day out. I'm hoping that there will be another dry day or two in a week or so and maybe we'll try it again. ...or maybe we'll wait and do it again next year!

G... Gloriously Gorgeous!

What a gloriously gorgeous day today! It started off on the right foot when Stella went to bed at 7:30 last night and only woke once and finally got up at 9:30 this morning. And we woke up to sunshine. Frost and sunshine but sunshine!

My green guys planted a few trees:

There were sunshine warmed girly grins:

My garden girl stirred the dirt in the new garden box that Jim built from reclaimed wood:

The guys gussied up the t-ball gear giving it a good wash-down:

And I finally got to smile about the first greeting from our little garden guest:

F... Failure

Nah, it's not going to be "that" kind of post about failure today. Today I'm talking... first birthday smash cake photo failure.

I've had it all planned out for months (failure set up part one). I had a perfectly clear vision in my mind of how it would turn out (failure set up part two).

Stella is just too much of a little lady with her cake. Who knew!? I mean, the way she ate her cake at her birthday party should have been a bit of an indication. But? She had just eaten a great lunch so I thought the chance of her really going at her cake this time was much better. Not exactly. She likes cake. Perhaps even, loves. Loves to the point that she certainly isn't going to waste any of it on her face or the floor. Also the fact that we hardly ever have to use a bib should have been a bit of an indication that she wasn't going to make a total mess. Oh well!

I still have time to do something different for a one year photo shoot for her. But smash cake? That was a failure. Cute! But not exactly what I was going for.

Ooohhhh! My candle!

I'll just poke at the frosting a bit, then use my incredible pincer grasp.


It's yummy! So yummy!


And then she got up and ran away!

E... Easter Baskets

Easter baskets. Christmas stockings. They are things that I waited, and waited, and waited to do until we had our family completed. Sure, we had things that worked or that were good enough for now but there are things that I had my eye on and it feels really good to be able to get them.

We picked up the Easter baskets that I've been eye-balling for the last few years. I, however, wasn't really loving any of the liners. I wanted them to coordinate but not be exactly the same, blah, blah, blah... yadda, yadda, yadda.

Long wordy story, finally to the point: I picked out some fabric yesterday and after a play date and some graphic design work today, I was able to take some time, cross my fingers, and sew up a basket liner - not an easy task while crossing fingers!

I was pleasantly surprised with how Rylan's turned out without a pattern:

and the kids are thrilled that they got to pick and choose their fabrics from the stack that I purchased.