"I can do it myself!"
"Let me try!"
"Watch what I can do!"
.
.
.
"What if I fail?"
"I don't want anyone to watch me."
"It's not going to work anyway."
Wikipedia defines it: Courage (also bravery, fortitude, or intrepidity) is the ability to confront fear, pain, risk/danger, uncertainty, or intimidation.
At what point do we lose our bright, sunny childlike courage and crumple into self doubting balls of adults? Surely it isn't as we drive off for college with a skip in our step and a flick of our wrist as we wave out the open window. So, perhaps it happens as tears of uncertainty cloud the new roads ahead of us and the familiar ones in the rear view mirror. I have the courage to say "I don't know."
And that's OK.
When I look in the mirror, I would like to, but I don't see a courageous person looking back at me. However, when I think back at how I got to where I am right now, in this moment, I realize that it was either A) courage B) stupidity or C) divine intervention. I'm going to go with D) All of the above.
Picking up the broken pieces of my heart wasn't an easy task. I'm still working on putting them back together. But you know what? It has to be done. I'm a 'bit' of a competitive person. At least I used to be. Now, I tend to compete solely with myself which I suppose is a good thing, right? Only I win. But at what costs? Did those around me lose while I spent so much time finding the courage to keep fighting? I am so very thankful for the courage that was instilled in me to keep going, to keep fighting, to keep on keeping on so, in the end? I feel so fully justified in my fight when I look at Stella. And everyone who meets her says the same thing "You know? She's great in your photos but she's so much more when you meet her!"
I also know that it takes even more courage to make a bigger change, the courage to say "I can't do it anymore. I need to move on. I need to move forward." I was so close to that point but I didn't have enough.
Not enough courage at that point.
Although, perhaps again that's where the divine intervention came in, pushing me forward one. more. time. Because I cannot imagine life without Stella.
But now? I've been given the courage to move on. Move forward with our three children. And I need to find the courage to let the hurt of the past three years slide into a little envelope, carefully folded and tucked away in a special corner of my heart.
Courage to live the best life possible!
Monday, April 4, 2011
Saturday, April 2, 2011
B... Birthday Bash!
We celebrated Stella's First Birthday a tad early and it was ah-may-zing! We stayed at home which ended up being the best plan possible because the weather has been just bizarre this Spring. Today we had dry spells, rain, hail, snow, wind, and lovely bright sunshine. She did great right up to the very end where we were pushing nap time. We celebrated with lunch, presents and cake and Auntie Lacey, Uncle Mark, my parents, and our friend Jamie and her kiddos Kaden and Marissa. So fun and people she's really comfortable around.
We are so blessed... and tired! So, tonight I'm going to let some of the pictures do the talking. So, in no particular order, a little (or large) share from Stella's First Birthday Party!
We are so blessed... and tired! So, tonight I'm going to let some of the pictures do the talking. So, in no particular order, a little (or large) share from Stella's First Birthday Party!
Friday, April 1, 2011
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Challenge
Hey, I'm nothing if not a follower!
So, since I have been really slack at keeping up with this blog... I think I posted once in February and this is woot! woot! my second post of March... I figured I'd hop on with (so far) 776 other people, I linked up at lucky blogger number 777, and do the A-Z blog challenge.
I think this will be a GREAT way to get me back into blogging here a bit more and a nice way to try to introduce some new topics into this blog that has, admittedly, been kind of stuck. Go ahead and join in too!
So, since I have been really slack at keeping up with this blog... I think I posted once in February and this is woot! woot! my second post of March... I figured I'd hop on with (so far) 776 other people, I linked up at lucky blogger number 777, and do the A-Z blog challenge.
I think this will be a GREAT way to get me back into blogging here a bit more and a nice way to try to introduce some new topics into this blog that has, admittedly, been kind of stuck. Go ahead and join in too!
Thursday, March 10, 2011
MARCHing into Spring
This month is a busy, busy month for us. Full of so much goodness and love!
First, the big kids have started their Spring sports. Rylan's doing t-ball this year (and Jim is coaching, which will be interesting since he's used to coaching high school aged players). And Karleigh's taking on soccer. Her first game was this past Saturday and even with only having an hour of practice, ever, she scored two goals!!!
This was the best photo that I got prior to her first goal, I was too busy cheering and totally forgot about the camera in my hand!
I'm really happy with the team she's on right now. It's great for a first-timer. A good number of her school-mates were on the two teams that were playing next to us and seriously? The parents were so intense. It actually made me sad for the kids. Luckily, we won't be playing teams like "The Crush", Saturday we play "The Kickin' Kitties". Sounds good to me! ;)
After the game we quickly came home, did the dishes and cleaned out the van in preparation to pick up friends who came over from Australia. If you've read along since early on and ever clicked on my side-bar blogs, you know who I'm talking about. Brooke and I "met" right after my Eli and, a week later, her Caden were born. There are many things that are different about us, about our situation, but the core of 'who we are' has always been very, very similar and I've always felt like we just "get" each other. It was so nice to be able to give her a real, live, hug. To kiss her rainbow baby. To be in the same moment instead of 18.5 hours behind her. I could go on and on.
They brought gifts including a very special bear for Stella. Interestingly enough, Australia's Stillbirth Foundation has a special, light purple bear. It matches Stella's coming home from the hospital blanket exactly. All the proceeds of the sales go to the foundation. And, if you haven't already jumped to guessing it... the bear's name... is Stella. {insert goosebumps here if you so choose}
Stella loves Stella-bear!
They also brought a beautiful tile for the boys' garden which will be going right next to the orange lilies that I have planted in memory of Caden. I will, of course, post photos when the garden wakes up a bit more.
On Sunday, we headed out to the gorge to Multnomah Falls and then drove up to Vista House for a great view of the area even if it was overcast, it wasn't raining!
We also took an unplanned detour to the ER for Rylan to get seven stitches in his eyebrow after he fell into the corner of the van door that I had open while changing Stella's diaper. It was quite the blessing that we had extra adults there. Jim did a quick switch-a-roo with the car seats and Kim was able to ride in the back seat with Rylan to help keep him calm. Karleigh was totally grossed out by the whole thing (drama queen, though it was impressive at first) and Kim was calm as a cucumber! Plus, Rylan wanted to be tough for her. As soon as I got to the ER with Brooke and the other kids, he was tired, coming down from the adrenaline rush and full of tears. A day later though, he was back to his good ol' self. The photos are on my 365 blog.
Monday was sweet Edan's Second Birthday!!! I couldn't help but think of the excitement and fear filled email that Brooke sent to me with her positive pregnancy tests. Pregnancy after a loss is filled with so many emotions but her end result is just adorable!
Naturally, the visit seemed too short but I would take "too short" over "not at all" any day!
And that's just the beginning of this month! We've got more great things just around the corner and then *gasp*!!! Stella's First Birthday party! I'm so ready to welcome Spring, and while I'm a bit sad that the newborn phase is long behind us (except for that pesky sleep thing) she's so much fun these days!
First, the big kids have started their Spring sports. Rylan's doing t-ball this year (and Jim is coaching, which will be interesting since he's used to coaching high school aged players). And Karleigh's taking on soccer. Her first game was this past Saturday and even with only having an hour of practice, ever, she scored two goals!!!
This was the best photo that I got prior to her first goal, I was too busy cheering and totally forgot about the camera in my hand!
I'm really happy with the team she's on right now. It's great for a first-timer. A good number of her school-mates were on the two teams that were playing next to us and seriously? The parents were so intense. It actually made me sad for the kids. Luckily, we won't be playing teams like "The Crush", Saturday we play "The Kickin' Kitties". Sounds good to me! ;)
After the game we quickly came home, did the dishes and cleaned out the van in preparation to pick up friends who came over from Australia. If you've read along since early on and ever clicked on my side-bar blogs, you know who I'm talking about. Brooke and I "met" right after my Eli and, a week later, her Caden were born. There are many things that are different about us, about our situation, but the core of 'who we are' has always been very, very similar and I've always felt like we just "get" each other. It was so nice to be able to give her a real, live, hug. To kiss her rainbow baby. To be in the same moment instead of 18.5 hours behind her. I could go on and on.
They brought gifts including a very special bear for Stella. Interestingly enough, Australia's Stillbirth Foundation has a special, light purple bear. It matches Stella's coming home from the hospital blanket exactly. All the proceeds of the sales go to the foundation. And, if you haven't already jumped to guessing it... the bear's name... is Stella. {insert goosebumps here if you so choose}
Stella loves Stella-bear!
They also brought a beautiful tile for the boys' garden which will be going right next to the orange lilies that I have planted in memory of Caden. I will, of course, post photos when the garden wakes up a bit more.
The kids got along great! We sat around and chatted and let them get used to the time change at their own pace and try to catch up a bit on sleep after such a long set of flights.
On Sunday, we headed out to the gorge to Multnomah Falls and then drove up to Vista House for a great view of the area even if it was overcast, it wasn't raining!
We also took an unplanned detour to the ER for Rylan to get seven stitches in his eyebrow after he fell into the corner of the van door that I had open while changing Stella's diaper. It was quite the blessing that we had extra adults there. Jim did a quick switch-a-roo with the car seats and Kim was able to ride in the back seat with Rylan to help keep him calm. Karleigh was totally grossed out by the whole thing (drama queen, though it was impressive at first) and Kim was calm as a cucumber! Plus, Rylan wanted to be tough for her. As soon as I got to the ER with Brooke and the other kids, he was tired, coming down from the adrenaline rush and full of tears. A day later though, he was back to his good ol' self. The photos are on my 365 blog.
Monday was sweet Edan's Second Birthday!!! I couldn't help but think of the excitement and fear filled email that Brooke sent to me with her positive pregnancy tests. Pregnancy after a loss is filled with so many emotions but her end result is just adorable!
Edan even shared his most very favorite birthday gift, Nok Tok!
Naturally, the visit seemed too short but I would take "too short" over "not at all" any day!
And that's just the beginning of this month! We've got more great things just around the corner and then *gasp*!!! Stella's First Birthday party! I'm so ready to welcome Spring, and while I'm a bit sad that the newborn phase is long behind us (except for that pesky sleep thing) she's so much fun these days!
Sunday, February 20, 2011
3rd Birthday
I hesitated, at first, to use the term "birthday" but that's what it is. The emergence and separation of offspring from the body of the mother. I know that a lot of "us" get caught up on what to call it, but by definition, although we expected it to be in July, this is his birthday.
Yet, there are no balloons to tie to his chair. No cake to decorate. No candles to blow out. No presents to unwrap. No crazy sugar hyped three year old little guy running around. No FB wall full of Happy Birthday! posts - one lone "I'm thinking of you", love filled message. And? Even though we have his beautiful little sister, my heart still aches to know him.
On the outside, it's a day just like any other. The weather was exactly the same as it was three years ago as I crumpled in pure, raw, grief. In my heart, it's not just another day. It's his day. I'm not at a point where I can look to this day as being "OK" or "joyful" or even just "devoid of emotion." But I have peace. This day, three years ago, changes were well under way. Changes that would totally alter life as I knew it. Some people walked out of my life. Some ran. Others quietly tiptoed in and have stayed through everything.
The rawness, the extreme physical and emotional pains have subsided like a low tide leaving the thick, foot weighing mud behind, all the while revealing the rare beauties that not everyone gets to experience. He (and the others) were a necessary part of my journey. A journey that I've never walked alone even when it felt very lonely.
“'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me and I will listen to you.'" Jeremiah 29:11-12
And tomorrow will be the first day of the next year...
Yet, there are no balloons to tie to his chair. No cake to decorate. No candles to blow out. No presents to unwrap. No crazy sugar hyped three year old little guy running around. No FB wall full of Happy Birthday! posts - one lone "I'm thinking of you", love filled message. And? Even though we have his beautiful little sister, my heart still aches to know him.
On the outside, it's a day just like any other. The weather was exactly the same as it was three years ago as I crumpled in pure, raw, grief. In my heart, it's not just another day. It's his day. I'm not at a point where I can look to this day as being "OK" or "joyful" or even just "devoid of emotion." But I have peace. This day, three years ago, changes were well under way. Changes that would totally alter life as I knew it. Some people walked out of my life. Some ran. Others quietly tiptoed in and have stayed through everything.
The rawness, the extreme physical and emotional pains have subsided like a low tide leaving the thick, foot weighing mud behind, all the while revealing the rare beauties that not everyone gets to experience. He (and the others) were a necessary part of my journey. A journey that I've never walked alone even when it felt very lonely.
“'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me and I will listen to you.'" Jeremiah 29:11-12
And tomorrow will be the first day of the next year...
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Linger a little longer
My last handful of posts here have been real downers. Sorry about that. The rest of everything else is pretty swell but I do fully admit to running here to get the ookies off my chest. Instead of stuffing it, I get it out and then I'm able to move forward. It really isn't a bad thing.
Cheap therapy.
Also cheap therapy? This kid.
We are all crazy in love with her and her personality just cracks me up. She has cruised right into my favorite age which is from about 9 months to 18 months (but don't tell the big kids that. Though it was my favorite age with them too.) She has figured out how to make us laugh. She finds things hilarious, which makes us laugh... which makes her laugh even more.
Tonight, while nursing her before bed, she could. not. stop. giggling. Which gave herself the hiccups.
And then she promptly spit-up on us, totally startling herself.
Yah. It's been a while since that happened!
After she went to bed I noticed that tell-tale smell of baby spit-up.
And I kind of liked it.
Because this age is just a flash in the pan.
Almost to the hour, Jim and I have been together for 15 years now. It all goes so fast. So tonight, I will linger a little longer before I change my spit up sweatshirt :)
Cheap therapy.
Also cheap therapy? This kid.
We are all crazy in love with her and her personality just cracks me up. She has cruised right into my favorite age which is from about 9 months to 18 months (but don't tell the big kids that. Though it was my favorite age with them too.) She has figured out how to make us laugh. She finds things hilarious, which makes us laugh... which makes her laugh even more.
Tonight, while nursing her before bed, she could. not. stop. giggling. Which gave herself the hiccups.
And then she promptly spit-up on us, totally startling herself.
Yah. It's been a while since that happened!
After she went to bed I noticed that tell-tale smell of baby spit-up.
And I kind of liked it.
Because this age is just a flash in the pan.
Almost to the hour, Jim and I have been together for 15 years now. It all goes so fast. So tonight, I will linger a little longer before I change my spit up sweatshirt :)
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