Seven hundred thirty (and a half) days

Two years ago it was all ending.
Or starting.
I guess it depends on how you look at it.

Today was freakishly not unlike February 17th, 2008. Sunny, clear, and almost warmish. Honestly, I've been trying to not really think too much about the day. It's such a strange juxtaposition thinking about where I was 2 years ago, knowing that Eli was not going to be the happy ending that we were just assuming he would be, while little Miss Stella rocks and rolls all day long. Frankly, the last two days her movements haven't just been reassuring, they've been downright painful so there's no chance of me being concerned for her immediate well-being. I hope she continues to let me know she's here to stay over the next few days.

I haven't taken the time to really think about the path that's behind me or the one that's ahead of me. Most days it's really just a case of, it is what it is. I've made some unbelievable new friends, lost some who I thought were friends and reconnected with some "old" friends. All changes that have been a real blessing. Of course there are a few rock-solid, not going anywhere no matter what friends too.

My mind doesn't wander to "why me".
I don't sit in a constant state of feeling sorry for myself.
I do feel very blessed to be pregnant with this little girl.

I would love to say it's been a happy-go-lucky time. I can't. I've been stressed ...and scared ...and edgy ...and a bit detached. I've been trying though. On the other hand I've also found it really hard to complain about the extreme pain in my lower back, the acid reflux, the exhaustion, the shots to my nether-regions, the Braxton-Hicks contractions every night and the kicks, stretches and punches that make me grimace. I know that in a short time, this will all be a distant memory replaced by a different view along the path.

I'm pretty certain that had there been a choice in the matter, this isn't the way I would have chosen everything to play out. However, that wasn't up to me (of course) and I'm not bitter about it. I'm actually really ok with it. Not in a "Yay! Dead babies!" kind of way but in just a sense of peace about it way. Sure I have days that I still think about what it might be like with an 18 month old little guy running around right now but that's not my reality. My reality is something different on the horizon and it usually brings be an overwhelming sense of peace.

And I think that's a good thing.

And certainly not what I expected to be able to say seven hundred thirty days ago...

30 Weeks

It's another Friday!
A Friday where the kids are home from school for the start of a long 4-day weekend.
A Friday where Rylan finally has his 4 year well-child check (slacker mom, at your service!) with the new office that we're hoping to use for our pediatrician, so that's kind of exciting.
A Friday where Karleigh has a Valentine's party at one of her girlfriends' houses for a few hours this afternoon.
A Friday where I'm still sick from the cold that I was hoping to not get from everyone else in the house. Wishful thinking, you can't blame me for trying though!
A Friday that marks the end of one week and the beginning of another.
A Friday that should be spent doing a fair amount of cleaning and straightening up around the house this evening - don't be jealous!
Like I've said before, I like Fridays. For the most part, I prefer the Fridays that don't start off with the kids antagonizing each other, teasing the dog, talking back, being sent to time-out, the dog stealing food while said kiddo is in time-out... just the tip of the iceberg really. But, all is well and calm now which I am thankful for because I would like to get back to my happy Friday attitude!
...even if it is through my stuffy, snuffy nose. :)

For some reason I didn't end up taking a 29 week photo so I made sure to grab my 30 week pic this morning... after things calmed down a bit. The joy of artistic freedom is that you can choose to crop out your stuffy, snuffy, chapped nose, broken out face, blood-shot eyes and glasses that you've somehow become allergic to during your pregnancy but have to wear because your contacts are also driving you nuts. Not that I would know or anything! Thankfully the sores on the bridge of my nose are healing up since I have a licensed optician at my beck and call whenever I have an issue. :) My glasses are still bugging me though so I may just have to pick out a new pair since I'm eligible for them now anyway. Sorry... tangent.

The 30 week belly.

I like saying 30 weeks so much better than 29. Seven to ten more weeks to go - Rylan came right at 37, Karleigh came on her due date. I can't decide if it feels like forever away still or just around the corner. Rylan asked me to show him how close we were to our baby coming home (I'm still wondering if he thinks the UPS man is just going to bring her!) on the calender this morning. He's intrigued by February only having 28 days. And he was thrilled at how close it's getting to "baby time". I'm somewhere between relieved and freaked out.

So, we are going to get on with our Friday. The kids are relaxing together and watching a movie and we'll soon be getting ready for the rest of our (hopefully better!) day. :)

Almost Wordless Wednesday

Signed. Sealed. Sent!

What's in a Name?

We've known for quite some time what we will be naming this little lady but haven't been screaming it from the roof-tops. Why not? I'm not too sure. Maybe it makes it all too real. Maybe because it makes ~her~ all too real. But she is real.

If someone asks us, we tell them with a smile. It's the only name that has felt right, has felt like ~her~ and at the same time fits the silly "rules" that Jim and I have adopted when it comes to naming babies.

Silly rules first:
~ should not start with the same letter as our other children
~ two syllables are preferred
~ incorporating an L near the middle is a bonus (this rule makes no sense, yes, we do realize that!)
~ should not be in the top 100 names as listed by the Social Security Administration
~ should have a positive or at least neutral meaning, certainly not negative
~ the kids should be able to pronounce it
~ can not lead to swearing when singing the "name, name, bo, bame, banana, fanana, fo, fo fame..." song :)
~ bonus to incorporate family names but not to the extent of having two "cousins" with the same name
~ and we have never been able to bring ourselves to "re-use" a name that we had considered in a previous pregnancy

So, with all of that in mind, our new baby girl will be named:

Of course, I'm a Gemini so all decisions that I make, can quickly change! Karleigh didn't have her name until I was about 7 months along. She was going to be Aubrey. However, I had a meltdown in the car one afternoon and freaked out and said "I just can't name my baby that, she doesn't feel like a Aubrey!" In Jim's infinite calmness he said "well... then don't..." and then he proceeded to suggest Karleigh and the reasoning, etc. etc. I can't imagine her as anything else. But back to Stella, it still feels right.

Stella has a very simple meaning: star.

The truth is, it seems that this name has been being screaming at us for months. Now, I'm not a big looking-for-signs type of person...

That said, since mid-August my "status update" on BabyCenter has been "Wishing on a star...". I haven't been able to bring myself to change it yet.

I also have a kindred spirit on one of my loss support boards who sent me the neatest "intentions" bracelet. It was made of string and had two black pearls with a silver star charm dangling between the two of them. The point of the bracelet is to state your intention/wish etc., tie it on and when it falls off that intention is realized (that was likely a very poor explanation). At any rate, I tied it on obviously "intending" to have a healthy baby. At 16 weeks (the same exact gestational age and week day - a Sunday - that Eli's heart stopped beating) we went to IKEA. When we got back to the van I noticed that my wrist was bare. The bracelet had fallen off that afternoon. At first my heart sank and I frantically looked around my seat in the van but then a realized perhaps that was just the nudge that I needed to get over that stress filled day. As we know now, everything is still fine.

As anyone who has been through a situation even kind of similar to ours knows, it's not always the most vocal supporters that say the right things. Sometimes there are quiet players who come to the surface at just the right times. One of these types of women suggested Stella. And then another more vocal friend also suggested it, and then another.

I finally thought "OK, this must be it. I love it but I wonder what Jim thinks..." So, because we're so tech savvy like that... I texted him. "Don't reply, just think. What about Stella?" And you know what?
He didn't reply! LOL
Finally, my impatience won and I texted him back again with something along the lines of "OK, time's up, what do you think?" He replied with, "I like it. You do realize that was my great-grandma's name right?" Um, yah, once upon a time, but I had totally forgotten about it at that moment.

Since then there have, of course been more things, an outfit that our sister-in-law sent covered in stars. A name a star bear that the kids got after visiting "Santa". Looking for crafty ideas for the girls' room and the first return being a "Stella" project. The list could go on and on but I've spent enough time writing about it for now I think.

So, now you know who you've been praying for. I like having a name when I pray for her even though I know it's not necessary, it's nice.

Friday Flashback!

A picture from Karleigh's 1st Spring. I was lying in bed the other night, just trying to imagine life with another baby girl in our family... what she'll weigh, when she'll be born, who she'll look like, what her personality will be like... I'm having a hard time (even with her acting like she wants out, right NOW! as I type this) picturing having her with us. I don't remember feeling this way so much with Karleigh or Rylan but I'm sure I did.
Right?
This IS normal.
Right?
Back to my thought, when I was lying in bed thinking about her, I started thinking about this picture of Karleigh. This was her first experience with grass against her skin. I'm looking very much forward to a whole new set of firsts, much better than the set of firsts that come with pregnancy loss.

February is a tough month for a lot of my loss momma friends so I'm glad it's a short month. The gateway to Spring and new beginnings.

............................................

I think I may have things set ok, for now, with the new layout. If you come across something that's missing or not working right, can you please let me know?
Thank you!

Remodeling

I'm going to start installing the new blog layout so things may be a bit wonky for a while.

...like my list of blogs that went missing already! Grrr. :)

It's ok though - I haven't felt the greatest so it's a great project while just sitting around today and this weekend. I hope to get everyone added back, but if I miss you please don't be offended just leave me a comment with your blog address again and I'll get you back up!

Thursday "Tour"

I'm finally at a point with the big girl/baby girl room where I'm feeling pretty good and done enough to share some photos. It's been a bit of a challenge since Karleigh has to be able to live there so I have had to do bits and pieces while she's at school or on weekends where it doesn't matter if she has to stay up a bit later for me to finish a project. I'm sure it will change a bit before baby girl gets here. There's still one little wall (behind the hall door) that I'm trying to decide how to finish off. I do know that the diaper pail will go there so I'm still thinking a few shelves, for books, above it. We'll see. Right now Karleigh's doll house is there but that's currently being neglected... it's in a down phase right now so I'll probably store it away for a while and when it comes back out in a few months, it'll be like brand new again!

I have a number of deeper thoughts that I've been trying to process and work through but until I can get them all untangled to a point where I might sound a little less crazy ;) I'm going to continue to try to work through them. As a quick peek into "it"... I filled out my birth center preregistration over a week ago. I still haven't mailed it. It's a postage paid envelope. And they requested that it be sent in over a month ago. It'll get done, I'm just tripping on sending it out. I've walked into that hospital 3 times and walked out once knowing my baby had died and twice leaving their tiny bodies behind. Yah. That might have something to do with my hang-up.

Anyway! Enough of that, you my peeps like pics so here! Have I mentioned that this is a tiny room? Yah, I think I have but I also feel like we've utilized the space to its maximum in both form and function. At least I hope so. As I recall it's about 11 feet by 9 feet and set for two girls.











So, there it is. There is more that I would like to add but at the same time I know that any more and it's going to start to look really cluttered and that will just drive me bonkers. It's been a really fun process especially since Karleigh is so into helping. In fact she chose the curtains and the fabric for her headboard. I think she did a really good job!