Peaceful

It's almost hard for me believe but one year ago today, Collin was taken from us. The day actually passed quite peacefully and very "normally". I was a little more tired than normal but it certainly didn't have the sting that I thought it might. I remember feeling the same way with Eli's one year mark. In fact, there's almost something that feels very healing with getting past that date... like a weight is lifted from my shoulders.

I thought, a few times, about what last year was like but baby girl kept me very reassured by making sure her feet were properly wedged under my ribs, getting the hiccups and startling when I closed the dryer door.

There was quite a large chunk of today that I didn't even think about the fact that it was "that" day. We ordered a new infant car seat and I messed around with some of the cloth diapers that I've gotten for her. That was along side house cleaning, laundry, getting kids ready for school, taking Karleigh to her Daisy Scout meeting. Perhaps it would have been a bit different if I wasn't pregnant again but thankfully, I don't know.

There were also moments when I just sat and reflected a bit and true to the way He works, I received a beautiful silver heart charm in the mail today from one of my girlfriends who has walked right beside me these past (almost) 23 months. My heart will always remember Collin and Eli and the other babies that we lost but sadness and longing for them isn't going to bring them back and frankly, I'm not sure that I would want to go all my life long not knowing some of the women that I have met and reconnected with along this journey. It's just a part of who am I now and I'm really ok with that.

Really.

Holding My Breath

I'm at a point where I'm ok with saying "I'm holding my breath." 2010 is off to a pretty great start around here! I'm basically a year out from losing Collin. Right now it seems like a whole other lifetime. I've got big things behind me and big things in front of me and that feels really good.

Karleigh is now six! She had her 6th birthday party with her Daisy Scout friends and it was great. It was noisy and chaotic and hot but I don't think they could have had more fun. The bonus? The party was held at a local kids play area. They took care of the set up and clean up. I just provided the cupcakes for the girls... she didn't even want me to go to the work of making a regular cake this year. Although it's not cheap to have a party at a play place, I think we actually came out money ahead and there's no doubt that I came out ahead on the stress level!

For her actual birthday she just wanted a "pj day" with pizza at home after staying up late on New Year's Eve and a slumber party in the living room. Easy enough! So we all sat around in our pj's all day, watched the parade, movies, she opened presents and we ate pizza. Not too shabby!

Today was back-to-school again and both kids were thrilled to get back at their routine... which unfortunately includes lots of whining from an over-tired Rylan at the end of the day and me totally forgetting to pack a snack for Karleigh but she was fine, her teacher has back-up snacks and Karleigh laughed at us for being so worried about it. She was just happy to get back to her friends and class today.

On the baby front, things are still going great and I'm thankful for Every. Single. Day. It's odd how I still feel newly pregnant even though I'm past the 24 week mark. I really should get on pulling it all together because I know that I hate feeling like I'm behind the 8-ball and it's all going to go really quickly from here on out. The third trimester always seems to go so fast and it's really weird for me to realize that it's just around the corner. On the other hand, aside from dragging the cradle out of the closet and purchasing a car seat I have everything to take care of a baby right now. We might be having to do laundry frequently but it could be done. It could also be done to a point where I'm much more comfortable with everything and that's what I'm aiming for!

So needless to say, I'm excited for 2010. I'm really going to focus this year on controlling the things that I can and doing those things to the best of my ability and equally as important... not worry about the things I have no control over. It's not an original idea or concept but it's one that I need to bring back into focus. My life has had areas, obviously, where I've had zero control over the situations and I think everything else got kind of dragged down with it. I'm ready to move forward!

Onward and Forward

It might be an small understatement to say that I'm beyond ready to kick 2009 out the door. I think back to this time last year and it was just so full of promise. We had our NT scan with Collin, were told he was a totally healthy baby boy, we rang in the New Year being so thankful that 2009 was going to bring us what 2008 couldn't. At some point the next day his heart stopped. What a way to start 2009.

2009 wasn't a total bummer though...
a 2 week visit from Auntie Lacey
zoo trips
an excellent vacation to Whitefish, MT
our 10th wedding anniversary
5 lost teeth
a new kindergartner
new puppy Max
hikes in the gorge
a new preschooler
a wonderful beach trip
winter snowstorms
record summer heat
new bikes
starting Daisy Scouts
visits with grandma and grandpa
play dates
birthday parties

and a healthy baby girl on the way.

Christmas

I hope you all have had a merry one!

Cut to the Chase

I'm going to cut to the chase... this holiday season has been a rough one on me. I have been a total Grinch this year. My attitude stinks, I don't really want to have much to do with Christmas, etc. etc. and that irritates me which just makes the attitude even worse. Sure, I could blame it on hormones but I'm going to be realistic and I really can't place the blame on hormones. Maybe they don't help but I'm pretty confident in saying "it's all me."

This is the third Christmas in a row that I've been pregnant (and the 4th Christmas that I've been pregnant in the last 7 years) of course that also means that I have a birthday party to finish up planning for next week. I think that part of the "mood" has to do with the mixed emotions of this time of year. I wish I could put it more clearly but I can't even really wrap my head around it.

I'm sure there's some pregnancy anxiety and depression in there too since I'm already at an increased risk for it given my history. I'm really trying to let go and let God and using breathing techniques to try to calm my nerves but the fear and anxiety can grab me at any moment without warning. For instance tonight, putting Rylan's clothes away and all of a sudden the nerves, butterflies, racing heart and negative thoughts started... I was putting his underwear away. I'm certainly getting quite a schooling in feeling out of control. I will mention it to Dr. C at my appointment which is tomorrow (Christmas Eve).

But, I've been going about doing what needs to be done around here, even if I'm not "feeling it" this year. The tree was "hunted", put up and decorated. The gifts have been purchased and wrapped, mostly thanks to Jim. The house is clean and decorated even if it did take at least 3 weeks to do it.
The kids participated in all of their school activities cookie party with the parents for Rylan's class, a book exchange and movie day for Karleigh's class, food drives for both, lots of arts and crafts and a sing-a-long for the primary classes. Ever the entertainer, it was a joy to watch all of Karleigh's expressions as they sang "Up on the Housetop". And since it was a sing-a-long instead of a 'concert', Rylan had a blast even though the preschool didn't participate and it didn't even start until their usual bed time.

We even had some snow up here earlier this week. I didn't bother to take pics because it was enough to cover the ground but not really enough for the kids to play in. Max did seem to like eating it though. He looks so cute and innocent though doesn't he?Ugh. Wrong. Not only are the kids bouncing off the walls with Christmas excitement, the dog is losing his mind too. I'm sure much of it is him feeding off the "crazies" coming from the kids. In the last 24 hours he has peed on the carpet (which he just doesn't do), eaten Christmas light bulbs, chewed up a heavy duty extension cord, destroyed an entire string of lights, found a beer can and brought it back to the yard to chew up (I'm sensing a theme...), threw up in the house (gee, I wonder why!?) and has just been a total whack-ado overall.

Things are going really well with the pregnancy, as far as I can tell. She moves a ton which helps keep me positive. We've started purchasing things and have received the new crib and crib bedding. I received two boxes full of brand new cloth diapers from a girl friend who isn't using them and I ordered a couple of different diapers over the last couple of days. Psst, I'm kind of excited! My sciatic nerve is on fire these days but I also know that it'll eventually go away. if I could just remove my pelvis, I'd be feeling (physically) about 100% these days. But I'm not complaining. I know that it's all just so temporary.

I hope that you all have a wonderful Christmas Eve!

Thankful Thursday

I'm thankful for friends who keep me on my toes... who encourage me and who have been great cheerleaders throughout this pregnancy. I'm thankful for the "pestering" to take, and share, a belly picture. A belly picture that actually has a live, thriving baby in it.


I'm thankful for heartburn and sciatica and symphysis pubic dysfunction. Really. I am!


I'm thankful for kicks, thumps and bumps and being able to watch my tummy dance.



Yes, I am thankful!

Which Came First?

Rylan: Mommy? How did the baby get in your tummy?
Karleigh: I'll tell you. See, mommy has these things in her tummy called eggs. They're teeny tiny.
Rylan: Really?
Karleigh: Yes, really. And when it's time for her to have a baby... well... (long, thoughtful pause) they grow and then hatch into a bubble and grow and grow until the baby is born.
Rylan: Ohhhhhhh.
Karleigh: ...kind of like a chicken!

Ah, she was so close! Ü