Cut to the Chase

I'm going to cut to the chase... this holiday season has been a rough one on me. I have been a total Grinch this year. My attitude stinks, I don't really want to have much to do with Christmas, etc. etc. and that irritates me which just makes the attitude even worse. Sure, I could blame it on hormones but I'm going to be realistic and I really can't place the blame on hormones. Maybe they don't help but I'm pretty confident in saying "it's all me."

This is the third Christmas in a row that I've been pregnant (and the 4th Christmas that I've been pregnant in the last 7 years) of course that also means that I have a birthday party to finish up planning for next week. I think that part of the "mood" has to do with the mixed emotions of this time of year. I wish I could put it more clearly but I can't even really wrap my head around it.

I'm sure there's some pregnancy anxiety and depression in there too since I'm already at an increased risk for it given my history. I'm really trying to let go and let God and using breathing techniques to try to calm my nerves but the fear and anxiety can grab me at any moment without warning. For instance tonight, putting Rylan's clothes away and all of a sudden the nerves, butterflies, racing heart and negative thoughts started... I was putting his underwear away. I'm certainly getting quite a schooling in feeling out of control. I will mention it to Dr. C at my appointment which is tomorrow (Christmas Eve).

But, I've been going about doing what needs to be done around here, even if I'm not "feeling it" this year. The tree was "hunted", put up and decorated. The gifts have been purchased and wrapped, mostly thanks to Jim. The house is clean and decorated even if it did take at least 3 weeks to do it.
The kids participated in all of their school activities cookie party with the parents for Rylan's class, a book exchange and movie day for Karleigh's class, food drives for both, lots of arts and crafts and a sing-a-long for the primary classes. Ever the entertainer, it was a joy to watch all of Karleigh's expressions as they sang "Up on the Housetop". And since it was a sing-a-long instead of a 'concert', Rylan had a blast even though the preschool didn't participate and it didn't even start until their usual bed time.

We even had some snow up here earlier this week. I didn't bother to take pics because it was enough to cover the ground but not really enough for the kids to play in. Max did seem to like eating it though. He looks so cute and innocent though doesn't he?Ugh. Wrong. Not only are the kids bouncing off the walls with Christmas excitement, the dog is losing his mind too. I'm sure much of it is him feeding off the "crazies" coming from the kids. In the last 24 hours he has peed on the carpet (which he just doesn't do), eaten Christmas light bulbs, chewed up a heavy duty extension cord, destroyed an entire string of lights, found a beer can and brought it back to the yard to chew up (I'm sensing a theme...), threw up in the house (gee, I wonder why!?) and has just been a total whack-ado overall.

Things are going really well with the pregnancy, as far as I can tell. She moves a ton which helps keep me positive. We've started purchasing things and have received the new crib and crib bedding. I received two boxes full of brand new cloth diapers from a girl friend who isn't using them and I ordered a couple of different diapers over the last couple of days. Psst, I'm kind of excited! My sciatic nerve is on fire these days but I also know that it'll eventually go away. if I could just remove my pelvis, I'd be feeling (physically) about 100% these days. But I'm not complaining. I know that it's all just so temporary.

I hope that you all have a wonderful Christmas Eve!

Thankful Thursday

I'm thankful for friends who keep me on my toes... who encourage me and who have been great cheerleaders throughout this pregnancy. I'm thankful for the "pestering" to take, and share, a belly picture. A belly picture that actually has a live, thriving baby in it.


I'm thankful for heartburn and sciatica and symphysis pubic dysfunction. Really. I am!


I'm thankful for kicks, thumps and bumps and being able to watch my tummy dance.



Yes, I am thankful!

Which Came First?

Rylan: Mommy? How did the baby get in your tummy?
Karleigh: I'll tell you. See, mommy has these things in her tummy called eggs. They're teeny tiny.
Rylan: Really?
Karleigh: Yes, really. And when it's time for her to have a baby... well... (long, thoughtful pause) they grow and then hatch into a bubble and grow and grow until the baby is born.
Rylan: Ohhhhhhh.
Karleigh: ...kind of like a chicken!

Ah, she was so close! Ü

Wordless Wednesday, Zoolights Edition

More Details

I cannot believe it's been almost a week since we saw our baby girl and I last blogged anything about it! The Thanksgiving holiday was quite nice, held some feelings of relief and of course, many feelings of thankfulness.

Our little baby girl and her cute little profile!

She proved to be quite a mover and a shaker and our ultrasound tech was so very, very thorough including asking me, halfway through the scan, to get up, use the bathroom and 'do whatever it takes' to move baby girl around so she could get not only great shots of all 4 heart chambers but of the valves in motion as well. Baby girl stayed where she needed to for about 15 seconds. The tech played the capture forwards and backwards in slow motion over and over again and I will admit I started to get really nervous and think "oh, here we go again" while praying but at the same time I thought I knew enough about human anatomy and physiology to see that everything was normal... and it was. We actually didn't find out girl vs. boy until the very end after she got all the views that she needed and all three of us almost forgot!

On to more pics:

Sweet tiny feet! And a perfect looking spine.

A slightly less skeleton face. And the "girl proof"!

We FINALLY told the kids about their baby sister and it went over so well. They are so thrilled but Karleigh, much like her mommy, is hopeful but cautious. Jim and I were sitting on the couch at my parents house, doing a little online shopping, and Karleigh came over and asked it the items in the 'shopping bag' were for our friends baby girl.
Jim said "nope, they're for your baby sister."
Karleigh "huh, I don't have a baby sister."
Jim "Actually, you do."
And I handed her the ultrasound photos.

She just looked at us and kind of started to cry her happy tears. And said "Really!?! I have a baby sister!?! Oh my gosh!"

She dove right into the photos labelling them all until she got to the last one which was the "girl shot" and then she laughed that we had pics of girl parts.

She ran up to the kitchen where Rylan was probably bumming food off of my mom and yelled "Rylan, Rylan, we're going to have a baby sister! Mommy has a baby girl in her tummy!"

He came running down to look at the pics and looked all giddy with his hands over his gaping mouth. Of course, shortly after, he asked if she was hiding behind the couch, then he asked if uncle David was bringing her with him... we spent quite a bit of time talking about how far away Spring is. And then... he ran off like a typical 4 year old boy!

Karleigh continued to shop with us and kicked Jim out of his seat. And then her questions and comments started.
"I hope our baby sister doesn't die in your tummy like our baby brother did."
"Well, we HOPE we're going to have a baby sister."
"Is she as big as our Eli was when he died?"

"Can we go listen to her heartbeat?"
"I've been waiting and waiting and waiting like 2 years for you to have a baby!"
"Let's go shopping!"

And Rylan's questions
"Why don't you just spit her out now momma?"

"We need a stroller for our baby sitter... siss-ter!"

I'm glad to have the "announcement" out of the way and just about at the last possible moment. My tummy really popped out this last weekend and I 'had' to buy a pair of maternity pants. Karleigh is on us to nail down a name so she doesn't have to keep calling her "baby sister" and has threatened to just call her Lilly until we decide differently. Ü She's happy that we're working on it.

I did finally buy a few things for the little one including a couple little outfits (that my mom will get to see first when the box arrives at her house!) and a boppy pillow cover. I know, nothing big but that IS a big step for me. I also went through our box of baby clothes and yah, all those things I cleaned out, sold and donated when I was pregnant with Eli but didn't know it yet... are all still not in the basement! I have a couple pair of pj's and that's about it. Which just means more sale shopping!

Anyway. We're thrilled that things look just perfect. Life around here has continued on as well, it's certainly not all about baby. We're taking the kids to Zoo Lights tonight, Rylan is certainly "exploring" his defiant side... which he was also doing before the baby info so that's not it... it's just him, being four. I haven't used my doppler in 3 days because I can feel her wiggling and moving so often. So, after the holidays, we will probably start the painting that needs to be done in order for the room shifting to take place.

I feel like I'm in a really good place. Not necessarily totally confident that everything will be ok but I'm totally at peace with the fact that she is not Eli nor Collin and that's ok. She alive because they aren't but I'm also not pining for them if that makes sense. Pregnancy loss sucks but I'm also really excited to see what the future holds!

And...

And the most important thing... she looks totally perfect!

More details to come later.

Been a Long Time

I have been doing my very best to keep myself busy. At least where I'm at now, you can assume that no news is good news. I'm fighting the anxiety every day and sadly, still in that 'waiting for the other shoe to drop' kind of state. But so far, I'm fine and baby is alive.

Last week Jim and the kids all came down with a bug. A different bug for all of them but nasty none the less. Thankfully, I managed to escape without catching anything. That can only be thanks to lots of prayers, lots of hand washing, gargling with salt water and taking my vitamins. I wrestled an awful lot with the whole H1N1 vaccine and seasonal flu vaccine issue. It's just so horrible as a pregnant mom. It feels very much a case of darned if you do, darned if you don't. You don't get the vaccine and you end up in the hospital and hopefully you and your baby survive. You do get the vaccine and you cross your fingers and pray that there are no negative side effects.

I decided a while ago against getting the vaccine. With my history of vaccine reaction... which was only one vaccine but a two month (at least) long reaction (and I haven't carried a pregnancy to term since). I decided that I would not introduce anything extra into my system and do my best to stay healthy and quickly react if I started to show signs of illness. I've spent months questioning this decision but I am very at peace with it now. It makes me so sad to see (I'm a group co-owner on several boards on a parenting website) loss after loss. Many of them "coincidentally" coinciding with receiving the H1N1 vaccine. Sadly, the only thing they can do is report it to the CDC on the VAERS website. They all have been the same, go in, check on baby, baby is great, get vaccine, go back in 4 weeks later, no heartbeat, double check with u/s and baby measures nearly to the date of the last appointment. And these aren't all early losses, we're talking 24, 25 weekers too.

Moving on! I've really been working at keeping the anxiety in check since tomorrow is our "big" anatomy scan and hopefully this little one cooperates so we can find out which way the scales are going to tip. I really, honestly, truly just want alive and healthy. We have one of each and really have no preference. However, I will admit that I'm terrified that it's going to be a boy. I would LOVE another boy but given my apparent inability to keep boys alive lately, it scares me. I would be thrilled to have a boy but I'm afraid that, with a boy, I won't be able to relax to the point that I might be able to with a girl.

When we found out that Collin was a boy, again, I did cry a little. Partly because I was afraid that I would lose him too and partly out of relief that maybe I would be able to just kind of pick up where we left off with Eli. Of course we know how that turned out. So, I think that makes this "finding out the sex thing" kind of tough. Of course the planner in me would never be able to choose to NOT know. I also think it will be easier, when we tell the kids, to tell them "what" to expect. That should alleviate any of the "I want a ________!" issues since it is what it is anyway, without having to have a deep discussion about it... hopefully. But science loving Karleigh may ask more questions, and that's ok.

It is reassuring to sit here and "worry" while getting my bladder and bellybutton kicked and punched. Jim was even able to feel a nice strong knee? elbow? last week.

We'll be spending Thanksgiving up at my parent's house, the kids and I will stay the whole weekend while Jim has to come back down and work some u-g-l-y hours this weekend. But I will try to pop on before we leave and post how it went. 9:45 am Pacific time tomorrow... breathe in, breathe out...