Wednesday, December 2, 2009
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
More Details
I cannot believe it's been almost a week since we saw our baby girl and I last blogged anything about it! The Thanksgiving holiday was quite nice, held some feelings of relief and of course, many feelings of thankfulness.
She proved to be quite a mover and a shaker and our ultrasound tech was so very, very thorough including asking me, halfway through the scan, to get up, use the bathroom and 'do whatever it takes' to move baby girl around so she could get not only great shots of all 4 heart chambers but of the valves in motion as well. Baby girl stayed where she needed to for about 15 seconds. The tech played the capture forwards and backwards in slow motion over and over again and I will admit I started to get really nervous and think "oh, here we go again" while praying but at the same time I thought I knew enough about human anatomy and physiology to see that everything was normal... and it was. We actually didn't find out girl vs. boy until the very end after she got all the views that she needed and all three of us almost forgot!
A slightly less skeleton face. And the "girl proof"!
We FINALLY told the kids about their baby sister and it went over so well. They are so thrilled but Karleigh, much like her mommy, is hopeful but cautious. Jim and I were sitting on the couch at my parents house, doing a little online shopping, and Karleigh came over and asked it the items in the 'shopping bag' were for our friends baby girl.
Jim said "nope, they're for your baby sister."
Karleigh "huh, I don't have a baby sister."
Jim "Actually, you do."
And I handed her the ultrasound photos.
She dove right into the photos labelling them all until she got to the last one which was the "girl shot" and then she laughed that we had pics of girl parts.
He came running down to look at the pics and looked all giddy with his hands over his gaping mouth. Of course, shortly after, he asked if she was hiding behind the couch, then he asked if uncle David was bringing her with him... we spent quite a bit of time talking about how far away Spring is. And then... he ran off like a typical 4 year old boy!
Karleigh continued to shop with us and kicked Jim out of his seat. And then her questions and comments started.
"I hope our baby sister doesn't die in your tummy like our baby brother did."
"Well, we HOPE we're going to have a baby sister."
"Is she as big as our Eli was when he died?"
And Rylan's questions
"Why don't you just spit her out now momma?"
I'm glad to have the "announcement" out of the way and just about at the last possible moment. My tummy really popped out this last weekend and I 'had' to buy a pair of maternity pants. Karleigh is on us to nail down a name so she doesn't have to keep calling her "baby sister" and has threatened to just call her Lilly until we decide differently. Ü She's happy that we're working on it.
I did finally buy a few things for the little one including a couple little outfits (that my mom will get to see first when the box arrives at her house!) and a boppy pillow cover. I know, nothing big but that IS a big step for me. I also went through our box of baby clothes and yah, all those things I cleaned out, sold and donated when I was pregnant with Eli but didn't know it yet... are all still not in the basement! I have a couple pair of pj's and that's about it. Which just means more sale shopping!
Anyway. We're thrilled that things look just perfect. Life around here has continued on as well, it's certainly not all about baby. We're taking the kids to Zoo Lights tonight, Rylan is certainly "exploring" his defiant side... which he was also doing before the baby info so that's not it... it's just him, being four. I haven't used my doppler in 3 days because I can feel her wiggling and moving so often. So, after the holidays, we will probably start the painting that needs to be done in order for the room shifting to take place.
I feel like I'm in a really good place. Not necessarily totally confident that everything will be ok but I'm totally at peace with the fact that she is not Eli nor Collin and that's ok. She alive because they aren't but I'm also not pining for them if that makes sense. Pregnancy loss sucks but I'm also really excited to see what the future holds!
Our little baby girl and her cute little profile!
She proved to be quite a mover and a shaker and our ultrasound tech was so very, very thorough including asking me, halfway through the scan, to get up, use the bathroom and 'do whatever it takes' to move baby girl around so she could get not only great shots of all 4 heart chambers but of the valves in motion as well. Baby girl stayed where she needed to for about 15 seconds. The tech played the capture forwards and backwards in slow motion over and over again and I will admit I started to get really nervous and think "oh, here we go again" while praying but at the same time I thought I knew enough about human anatomy and physiology to see that everything was normal... and it was. We actually didn't find out girl vs. boy until the very end after she got all the views that she needed and all three of us almost forgot!
On to more pics:
Sweet tiny feet! And a perfect looking spine.
A slightly less skeleton face. And the "girl proof"!
We FINALLY told the kids about their baby sister and it went over so well. They are so thrilled but Karleigh, much like her mommy, is hopeful but cautious. Jim and I were sitting on the couch at my parents house, doing a little online shopping, and Karleigh came over and asked it the items in the 'shopping bag' were for our friends baby girl.
Jim said "nope, they're for your baby sister."
Karleigh "huh, I don't have a baby sister."
Jim "Actually, you do."
And I handed her the ultrasound photos.
She just looked at us and kind of started to cry her happy tears. And said "Really!?! I have a baby sister!?! Oh my gosh!"
She dove right into the photos labelling them all until she got to the last one which was the "girl shot" and then she laughed that we had pics of girl parts.
She ran up to the kitchen where Rylan was probably bumming food off of my mom and yelled "Rylan, Rylan, we're going to have a baby sister! Mommy has a baby girl in her tummy!"
He came running down to look at the pics and looked all giddy with his hands over his gaping mouth. Of course, shortly after, he asked if she was hiding behind the couch, then he asked if uncle David was bringing her with him... we spent quite a bit of time talking about how far away Spring is. And then... he ran off like a typical 4 year old boy!
Karleigh continued to shop with us and kicked Jim out of his seat. And then her questions and comments started.
"I hope our baby sister doesn't die in your tummy like our baby brother did."
"Well, we HOPE we're going to have a baby sister."
"Is she as big as our Eli was when he died?"
"Can we go listen to her heartbeat?"
"I've been waiting and waiting and waiting like 2 years for you to have a baby!"
"Let's go shopping!"
"I've been waiting and waiting and waiting like 2 years for you to have a baby!"
"Let's go shopping!"
And Rylan's questions
"Why don't you just spit her out now momma?"
"We need a stroller for our baby sitter... siss-ter!"
I'm glad to have the "announcement" out of the way and just about at the last possible moment. My tummy really popped out this last weekend and I 'had' to buy a pair of maternity pants. Karleigh is on us to nail down a name so she doesn't have to keep calling her "baby sister" and has threatened to just call her Lilly until we decide differently. Ü She's happy that we're working on it.
I did finally buy a few things for the little one including a couple little outfits (that my mom will get to see first when the box arrives at her house!) and a boppy pillow cover. I know, nothing big but that IS a big step for me. I also went through our box of baby clothes and yah, all those things I cleaned out, sold and donated when I was pregnant with Eli but didn't know it yet... are all still not in the basement! I have a couple pair of pj's and that's about it. Which just means more sale shopping!
Anyway. We're thrilled that things look just perfect. Life around here has continued on as well, it's certainly not all about baby. We're taking the kids to Zoo Lights tonight, Rylan is certainly "exploring" his defiant side... which he was also doing before the baby info so that's not it... it's just him, being four. I haven't used my doppler in 3 days because I can feel her wiggling and moving so often. So, after the holidays, we will probably start the painting that needs to be done in order for the room shifting to take place.
I feel like I'm in a really good place. Not necessarily totally confident that everything will be ok but I'm totally at peace with the fact that she is not Eli nor Collin and that's ok. She alive because they aren't but I'm also not pining for them if that makes sense. Pregnancy loss sucks but I'm also really excited to see what the future holds!
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
Been a Long Time
I have been doing my very best to keep myself busy. At least where I'm at now, you can assume that no news is good news. I'm fighting the anxiety every day and sadly, still in that 'waiting for the other shoe to drop' kind of state. But so far, I'm fine and baby is alive.
Last week Jim and the kids all came down with a bug. A different bug for all of them but nasty none the less. Thankfully, I managed to escape without catching anything. That can only be thanks to lots of prayers, lots of hand washing, gargling with salt water and taking my vitamins. I wrestled an awful lot with the whole H1N1 vaccine and seasonal flu vaccine issue. It's just so horrible as a pregnant mom. It feels very much a case of darned if you do, darned if you don't. You don't get the vaccine and you end up in the hospital and hopefully you and your baby survive. You do get the vaccine and you cross your fingers and pray that there are no negative side effects.
I decided a while ago against getting the vaccine. With my history of vaccine reaction... which was only one vaccine but a two month (at least) long reaction (and I haven't carried a pregnancy to term since). I decided that I would not introduce anything extra into my system and do my best to stay healthy and quickly react if I started to show signs of illness. I've spent months questioning this decision but I am very at peace with it now. It makes me so sad to see (I'm a group co-owner on several boards on a parenting website) loss after loss. Many of them "coincidentally" coinciding with receiving the H1N1 vaccine. Sadly, the only thing they can do is report it to the CDC on the VAERS website. They all have been the same, go in, check on baby, baby is great, get vaccine, go back in 4 weeks later, no heartbeat, double check with u/s and baby measures nearly to the date of the last appointment. And these aren't all early losses, we're talking 24, 25 weekers too.
Moving on! I've really been working at keeping the anxiety in check since tomorrow is our "big" anatomy scan and hopefully this little one cooperates so we can find out which way the scales are going to tip. I really, honestly, truly just want alive and healthy. We have one of each and really have no preference. However, I will admit that I'm terrified that it's going to be a boy. I would LOVE another boy but given my apparent inability to keep boys alive lately, it scares me. I would be thrilled to have a boy but I'm afraid that, with a boy, I won't be able to relax to the point that I might be able to with a girl.
When we found out that Collin was a boy, again, I did cry a little. Partly because I was afraid that I would lose him too and partly out of relief that maybe I would be able to just kind of pick up where we left off with Eli. Of course we know how that turned out. So, I think that makes this "finding out the sex thing" kind of tough. Of course the planner in me would never be able to choose to NOT know. I also think it will be easier, when we tell the kids, to tell them "what" to expect. That should alleviate any of the "I want a ________!" issues since it is what it is anyway, without having to have a deep discussion about it... hopefully. But science loving Karleigh may ask more questions, and that's ok.
It is reassuring to sit here and "worry" while getting my bladder and bellybutton kicked and punched. Jim was even able to feel a nice strong knee? elbow? last week.
We'll be spending Thanksgiving up at my parent's house, the kids and I will stay the whole weekend while Jim has to come back down and work some u-g-l-y hours this weekend. But I will try to pop on before we leave and post how it went. 9:45 am Pacific time tomorrow... breathe in, breathe out...
Last week Jim and the kids all came down with a bug. A different bug for all of them but nasty none the less. Thankfully, I managed to escape without catching anything. That can only be thanks to lots of prayers, lots of hand washing, gargling with salt water and taking my vitamins. I wrestled an awful lot with the whole H1N1 vaccine and seasonal flu vaccine issue. It's just so horrible as a pregnant mom. It feels very much a case of darned if you do, darned if you don't. You don't get the vaccine and you end up in the hospital and hopefully you and your baby survive. You do get the vaccine and you cross your fingers and pray that there are no negative side effects.
I decided a while ago against getting the vaccine. With my history of vaccine reaction... which was only one vaccine but a two month (at least) long reaction (and I haven't carried a pregnancy to term since). I decided that I would not introduce anything extra into my system and do my best to stay healthy and quickly react if I started to show signs of illness. I've spent months questioning this decision but I am very at peace with it now. It makes me so sad to see (I'm a group co-owner on several boards on a parenting website) loss after loss. Many of them "coincidentally" coinciding with receiving the H1N1 vaccine. Sadly, the only thing they can do is report it to the CDC on the VAERS website. They all have been the same, go in, check on baby, baby is great, get vaccine, go back in 4 weeks later, no heartbeat, double check with u/s and baby measures nearly to the date of the last appointment. And these aren't all early losses, we're talking 24, 25 weekers too.
Moving on! I've really been working at keeping the anxiety in check since tomorrow is our "big" anatomy scan and hopefully this little one cooperates so we can find out which way the scales are going to tip. I really, honestly, truly just want alive and healthy. We have one of each and really have no preference. However, I will admit that I'm terrified that it's going to be a boy. I would LOVE another boy but given my apparent inability to keep boys alive lately, it scares me. I would be thrilled to have a boy but I'm afraid that, with a boy, I won't be able to relax to the point that I might be able to with a girl.
When we found out that Collin was a boy, again, I did cry a little. Partly because I was afraid that I would lose him too and partly out of relief that maybe I would be able to just kind of pick up where we left off with Eli. Of course we know how that turned out. So, I think that makes this "finding out the sex thing" kind of tough. Of course the planner in me would never be able to choose to NOT know. I also think it will be easier, when we tell the kids, to tell them "what" to expect. That should alleviate any of the "I want a ________!" issues since it is what it is anyway, without having to have a deep discussion about it... hopefully. But science loving Karleigh may ask more questions, and that's ok.
It is reassuring to sit here and "worry" while getting my bladder and bellybutton kicked and punched. Jim was even able to feel a nice strong knee? elbow? last week.
We'll be spending Thanksgiving up at my parent's house, the kids and I will stay the whole weekend while Jim has to come back down and work some u-g-l-y hours this weekend. But I will try to pop on before we leave and post how it went. 9:45 am Pacific time tomorrow... breathe in, breathe out...
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Onward
We've now gone past the point where I delivered Eli. I don't know what I expected to feel.
Joyful?
Thankful?
Relieved?
Excited?
Hopeful?
Comfortable?
Yah, kind of all those things. And I do, to an extent. But I also feel really emotionally drained and tired. Weird, I know.
Now it's time to move onward. This has felt like the longest week in history but it's nice to have it behind us. There have been lots of prayers for peace, patience, a beating heart. So far, so good.
It seems like I've started reporting the reality here and most of the emotional stuff has gone out the window, so to speak. I suppose it's likely that it's part of the self preservation or coping mechanism that I've developed over time. Who knows! Either way, the holidays are fast approaching and hopefully we'll be able to enjoy them and the promise that we pray they hold.
Joyful?
Thankful?
Relieved?
Excited?
Hopeful?
Comfortable?
Yah, kind of all those things. And I do, to an extent. But I also feel really emotionally drained and tired. Weird, I know.
Now it's time to move onward. This has felt like the longest week in history but it's nice to have it behind us. There have been lots of prayers for peace, patience, a beating heart. So far, so good.
It seems like I've started reporting the reality here and most of the emotional stuff has gone out the window, so to speak. I suppose it's likely that it's part of the self preservation or coping mechanism that I've developed over time. Who knows! Either way, the holidays are fast approaching and hopefully we'll be able to enjoy them and the promise that we pray they hold.
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
Cruise Control
I had my 16 week appointment this afternoon. Of course I checked heart tones this morning and baby was still kicking away so going to the appointment wasn't as full of anxiety as it could have been but it's still a little weird.
It was very quick (except for waiting for Dr. C!) the whole pee, blood pressure, weight thing and then listen to heart tones... which were 160-ish this afternoon. We also scheduled the anatomy scan and next appointment for 3 weeks out. Hopefully those three weeks will go by quickly and everything will continue, on cruise control, as Dr. C says.
It was very quick (except for waiting for Dr. C!) the whole pee, blood pressure, weight thing and then listen to heart tones... which were 160-ish this afternoon. We also scheduled the anatomy scan and next appointment for 3 weeks out. Hopefully those three weeks will go by quickly and everything will continue, on cruise control, as Dr. C says.
Monday, November 2, 2009
Trying to Ignore Time
The reality is, is that I can't just ignore time. I sure wish I could though. I do know it's been a long time since I blogged though.
And believe me, I feel a bit guilty about it.
I have been trying to ignore time though. This is a really anxiety filled time in this pregnancy for me. In fact, if you add the 4 days ahead that this baby was measuring a few weeks ago, to the gestational date where I sit today, it's literally same time that Eli's heart stopped beating. It's just crazy to me. I feel at such a different place than I did when I was beyond shocked to lose him.
The kids did not have school last week due to parent teacher conferences so Jim also took one of his weeks of vacation. It was nice to get out and do some things as a family without really focusing on a day other than to make sure we didn't completely miss an appointment or something. It was a pretty busy week too which was nice.
Here are just a few pics of some of the things that we did, in no particular order of course!
We hit up our local wildlife refuge... again... the kids love this place. Fall is certainly here! It really is a lot of fun to return to the same place, multiple times a year to watch it change with the seasons.
We took the kids to see Disney on Ice in Portland. They loved it! It was a neat show with lots and lots of music and skating. We snapped a family pic in reflection of the Rose Garden.
For Halloween, we went to my parent's house for a few days. The kids went to the carnival at mom's school on Friday dressed as Little Miss Muffet and a spider and totally enjoyed themselves. Then they trick-or-treated a little bit on Saturday and certainly acquired plenty of cavity inducing goodies.
Speaking of cavities and such... Karleigh lost yet another tooth! And gained a cavity. The fact that this is her first is pretty good. I had horrible baby teeth loaded with decay. Luckily, my permanent teeth came in good and strong and I don't even remember what get a filling is like. She'll get hers filled tomorrow. We also found out that just as soon as her 6 year molars come in, we'll start her orthodontic work. Oy! Luckily we have coverage with our insurance. Her jaw is just too small for the teeth that are on their way in. I'm sure she'll end up with an expander to help make room. I had the same done, but not until high school and that wasn't because of crooked teeth but an attempt to combat my TMJ issues.
We managed to make it out to the pumpkin patch when the weather was beautiful. We had had a long day but the kids still had fun!
We even snapped a pic of us during the hayride. We had originally planned on hitting the same farm where Karleigh had her field trip a few weeks ago but it was insanely packed... thousands of people. So, we drove out to our regular pumpkin patch that we've been going to since before Karleigh was one and it was perfect! We had much more space to ourselves and we were even the only ones on the hayride at the time. Oh, and after getting home and seeing this picture... I gave Jim a haircut!
So, I've been trying to ignore time by just keeping myself busy. I do have another Doc appointment on Wednesday while the kids are in school so I'm hoping, of course, that it goes well. I'm also hoping that, at that time, I'll get to schedule the "big" ultrasound. I'm hoping after that that I'll be able to start thinking about bringing a live baby home and not just hospital bills and memory boxes.
And believe me, I feel a bit guilty about it.
I have been trying to ignore time though. This is a really anxiety filled time in this pregnancy for me. In fact, if you add the 4 days ahead that this baby was measuring a few weeks ago, to the gestational date where I sit today, it's literally same time that Eli's heart stopped beating. It's just crazy to me. I feel at such a different place than I did when I was beyond shocked to lose him.
The kids did not have school last week due to parent teacher conferences so Jim also took one of his weeks of vacation. It was nice to get out and do some things as a family without really focusing on a day other than to make sure we didn't completely miss an appointment or something. It was a pretty busy week too which was nice.
Here are just a few pics of some of the things that we did, in no particular order of course!
We hit up our local wildlife refuge... again... the kids love this place. Fall is certainly here! It really is a lot of fun to return to the same place, multiple times a year to watch it change with the seasons.
We took the kids to see Disney on Ice in Portland. They loved it! It was a neat show with lots and lots of music and skating. We snapped a family pic in reflection of the Rose Garden.
For Halloween, we went to my parent's house for a few days. The kids went to the carnival at mom's school on Friday dressed as Little Miss Muffet and a spider and totally enjoyed themselves. Then they trick-or-treated a little bit on Saturday and certainly acquired plenty of cavity inducing goodies.
Speaking of cavities and such... Karleigh lost yet another tooth! And gained a cavity. The fact that this is her first is pretty good. I had horrible baby teeth loaded with decay. Luckily, my permanent teeth came in good and strong and I don't even remember what get a filling is like. She'll get hers filled tomorrow. We also found out that just as soon as her 6 year molars come in, we'll start her orthodontic work. Oy! Luckily we have coverage with our insurance. Her jaw is just too small for the teeth that are on their way in. I'm sure she'll end up with an expander to help make room. I had the same done, but not until high school and that wasn't because of crooked teeth but an attempt to combat my TMJ issues.
We managed to make it out to the pumpkin patch when the weather was beautiful. We had had a long day but the kids still had fun!
We even snapped a pic of us during the hayride. We had originally planned on hitting the same farm where Karleigh had her field trip a few weeks ago but it was insanely packed... thousands of people. So, we drove out to our regular pumpkin patch that we've been going to since before Karleigh was one and it was perfect! We had much more space to ourselves and we were even the only ones on the hayride at the time. Oh, and after getting home and seeing this picture... I gave Jim a haircut!
So, I've been trying to ignore time by just keeping myself busy. I do have another Doc appointment on Wednesday while the kids are in school so I'm hoping, of course, that it goes well. I'm also hoping that, at that time, I'll get to schedule the "big" ultrasound. I'm hoping after that that I'll be able to start thinking about bringing a live baby home and not just hospital bills and memory boxes.
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