Trying to Ignore Time

The reality is, is that I can't just ignore time. I sure wish I could though. I do know it's been a long time since I blogged though.

And believe me, I feel a bit guilty about it.

I have been trying to ignore time though. This is a really anxiety filled time in this pregnancy for me. In fact, if you add the 4 days ahead that this baby was measuring a few weeks ago, to the gestational date where I sit today, it's literally same time that Eli's heart stopped beating. It's just crazy to me. I feel at such a different place than I did when I was beyond shocked to lose him.

The kids did not have school last week due to parent teacher conferences so Jim also took one of his weeks of vacation. It was nice to get out and do some things as a family without really focusing on a day other than to make sure we didn't completely miss an appointment or something. It was a pretty busy week too which was nice.

Here are just a few pics of some of the things that we did, in no particular order of course!


We hit up our local wildlife refuge... again... the kids love this place. Fall is certainly here! It really is a lot of fun to return to the same place, multiple times a year to watch it change with the seasons.

We took the kids to see Disney on Ice in Portland. They loved it! It was a neat show with lots and lots of music and skating. We snapped a family pic in reflection of the Rose Garden.

For Halloween, we went to my parent's house for a few days. The kids went to the carnival at mom's school on Friday dressed as Little Miss Muffet and a spider and totally enjoyed themselves. Then they trick-or-treated a little bit on Saturday and certainly acquired plenty of cavity inducing goodies.
Speaking of cavities and such... Karleigh lost yet another tooth! And gained a cavity. The fact that this is her first is pretty good. I had horrible baby teeth loaded with decay. Luckily, my permanent teeth came in good and strong and I don't even remember what get a filling is like. She'll get hers filled tomorrow. We also found out that just as soon as her 6 year molars come in, we'll start her orthodontic work. Oy! Luckily we have coverage with our insurance. Her jaw is just too small for the teeth that are on their way in. I'm sure she'll end up with an expander to help make room. I had the same done, but not until high school and that wasn't because of crooked teeth but an attempt to combat my TMJ issues.

We managed to make it out to the pumpkin patch when the weather was beautiful. We had had a long day but the kids still had fun!

We even snapped a pic of us during the hayride. We had originally planned on hitting the same farm where Karleigh had her field trip a few weeks ago but it was insanely packed... thousands of people. So, we drove out to our regular pumpkin patch that we've been going to since before Karleigh was one and it was perfect! We had much more space to ourselves and we were even the only ones on the hayride at the time. Oh, and after getting home and seeing this picture... I gave Jim a haircut!

So, I've been trying to ignore time by just keeping myself busy. I do have another Doc appointment on Wednesday while the kids are in school so I'm hoping, of course, that it goes well. I'm also hoping that, at that time, I'll get to schedule the "big" ultrasound. I'm hoping after that that I'll be able to start thinking about bringing a live baby home and not just hospital bills and memory boxes.

Normal

"Normal" is so nice.
"Normal" is all I asked for.

While in the shower this morning I got to thinking "huh, it's been 8 days since my 1st trimester screening. I wonder how my blood numbers were?" Then I proceeded to have a discussion in my head about the fact that the maternal fetal medicine office said that they would call if the results were abnormal and would just mail me a card if... when!... they returned normal. I got out of the shower, dressed and the phone rang.

Unknown Name
Unknown Number

That is code for my doc's office.

I answered the phone and it was V, Dr.C's nurse. She said "Hey! We got your results back. They're totally normal! I just had to call and let you know instead of making you wait!"

"Normal" is what I got!

I didn't ask her the ratios because knowing that it was normal is good enough for me. It's really a relief. Rylan's AFP which is just a blood draw but also a screening test returned positive and that was really stressful. I also passed my first trimester screen with Collin but I still feel good today. He didn't live long enough for me to receive my official results. They called while my mom was here and I was at the hospital prepping for surgery. This baby is still alive and I'm starting to feel little movements. So far everything is normal.

I am very thankful for normal.

Another Milestone

I've got to say, I've pretty much been a ball of nerves the last few days. Rylan's birthday was a great distraction while leading up to this afternoon's NT Scan. I did not have the scan done with Eli but we did with Collin... and his heart stopped the next day. My scan with him was at 12 weeks 3 days. Today I was 12 weeks 4 days. I just wanted to get these next few days done and over with. I'm trying not to wish my life away but it's hard to relive certain things. Luckily, we were able to go back the the Maternal Fetal Medicine (MFM) office where we had our last scan done so they had my whole history and the ultrasound tech was great about reading my entire file prior to seeing us.

I found it really comforting to have so many things different this time around. We were in a different room. Different tech - this one came over from 7 years at the OHSU MFM office. She was great and understanding and really warm. This baby was moving all over the place - which Collin did not do (and in hindsight bugged me). We saw this baby swallowing. A stomach. A full bladder. The diaphragm. Fingers and toes. Eyes and nose. Brain. A perfect three vessle cord. A heart beat of 167 beats per minute. And the whole reason we were there the Nuchal Translucency measurements averaged out at 1.9 or so. At this stage of the game anything below 3.2 is considered "normal" and the lower, the better.

The best thing was this baby is measuring a bit ahead at 13 weeks 1 day... in essence, catapulting us right past some of the days that would have carried a lot of nervous energy. That is not saying that I'm thinking everything is 100%, for sure, going to be ok but it feels a bit better to have such a great appointment behind us.

We also got a number of pictures but these were the "best", in my opinion.

This one is the profile, hand up near face, black spot near the middle of the baby is the stomach, the black spot closer to the leg is the bladder.

Look! It's a brontosaurus!!! Just kidding, it's a hand and an arm but our baby is already looking to be quite talented in the shadow puppet skills department. :)

Perfect little feet and legs. The MFM showed us how we could easily see that there isn't even a clubbed foot.

And in honor of Halloween approaching, the obligatory, scary alien-skeleton shot but that's exactly what he/she is supposed to look like right now.

I also had an appointment last week with my OB that went great. Turns out, I'm the first and only patient to whom he has prescribed Femara. But so far so good!

While I'm really happy with the outcome of today's appointment. I also don't want to forget that tomorrow is October 15th which is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. So, while I'm celebrating a great appointment and continuing to be cautiously optimistic for this spring, tomorrow is a day set aside for us all to remember those babies who didn't get the chance to live the full lives that we expected.

Happy Birthday, Rylan!

Happy 4th Birthday to Rylan today!

Crazy to think that this kid has been in our lives for four years already. He is a hilarious, constant joy... even if he is testing boundaries. We celebrated his day today with friends and my parents. His request was a monkey birthday so he got a monkey party complete with bananas hanging from the ceiling as he requested. Not real bananas, just fake bananas... much lighter and less messy!

It's been a very busy weekend so I'm going to keep it short and try to get some rest before long. Karleigh has her first field trip tomorrow that I'll be helping with and Rylan has his classroom party that Jim will attend.

Rylan just a few days old. !

On his first birthday.

Rylan's 2nd birthday. And his 3rd birthday.

Weeks Worth

So, I was just sitting at the table, munching on some corn on the cob... no, not for any particular meal but thanks for asking, and I was thinking "man, I haven't been keeping up with my blog very well." I'm not quite sure why that is. It could be that I kind of feel like I'm in this little limbo land somewhere between deadbabyland and rainbowbabyland. Deadbabymommas don't always want to hear about pregnancy or kids and rainbowbabymommas don't always want to be reminded of the past. But there are a few of us, stuck somewhere in the middle and that could be part of the reason that my blogging has slowed. Either that or I feel like I've said just about all there is to say on some subjects. I don't know. At any rate, it's allowed for the lazy blogger in me to shine!

The kids are both still loving school and doing really well which is nice. It's wonderful to not have to worry about school "issues" along with everything else. Rylan's more than aware that his birthday is rapidly approaching. Jim and I managed to get nearly all of his birthday shopping, cake pan, decorations, gifts, paper stuff, etc. on Wednesday while he had the day off and the kids were in school. We accomplished quite a bit in 3 hours! His party will be nice and laid back this year which I'm really looking forward to. I'm just trying to figure out exactly when I'm supposed to squeeze in baking and decorating his birthday cake. They don't have school on Friday so I don't have that 4 hours of "free" time and Karleigh has Daisy Scouts until 7:30, Saturday is his little buddy's birthday party and my parents coming to visit and then Sunday is his party. Maybe grandma will be able to keep the kids distracted in the evening while I hang out in the kitchen... we'll see! I have a brilliant friend who bakes and decorates her cakes ahead of time and then freezes them.

She's much smarter than I am.

I also managed to get the kids to finally decide what they wanted to be for Halloween. They had originally wanted to be Little Red Riding Hood and The Big Bad Wolf. Great idea, however, I did not feel motivated to sew a Rylan-sized wolf costume. I know I could... I just didn't want to. So, we looked at some more ideas and Rylan said he wanted to be a scary spider and Karleigh suggested Little Miss Muffet so we started looking. This time I knew his costume would be easy to find, it was hers I was worried about. However, it didn't take too much time and I got these two ordered:

Rumor has it they're on their way. Karleigh's really is and Rylan's, which comes from a fairly well known store, still hasn't shipped. I'm not too worried though, there's still loads of time.

Tuesday I went in and had my nurse appointment finally since I'm a fan of doing things backwards I suppose. It was pretty quick even though there were additions. When I got home they called to tell me that I was free to call the Maternal Fetal Medicine office, since our insurance had approved the NT Scan. I called them and the gal actually had my file up on her computer when she answered the phone. I'll be going for that on the afternoon of the 14th. Luckily, I was able to get a time, on Jim's day off, where the kids will be in school and we'll both be able to go to the appointment and get home before the buses do.

No, the kids do not know about this pregnancy.

They also did not know about my pregnancy with Collin. They did know about Eli for a good 10 weeks or so but since "un-telling" is hard on us and them, we chose to keep it from them as long as possible this time. I know that them not knowing won't change the outcome, obviously. But, for now, it's just easier this way. I don't know when we'll tell them but they're not stupid and I'm not skinny! It would be nice to make it to 18-20 weeks at least, but I'm not sure that's going to be possible.

We were lying in bed the other night (don't worry, it's safe to read!) and Jim changed the channel to Animal Planet. It was one of those surreal moments where I instantly knew I was exactly the same gestation, listening to the same show, even at the same time of night as I had been in December when I was still pregnant with Collin, lying in bed with Rylan at Jim's aunt and uncle's house after our crazy long drive to Missoula. It's strange how something as silly as watching "Yellowstone: Battle for Life" can bring back memories.

But, it can.

That next morning I got up and decided that I wasn't going to continue living, waiting for this baby to die but that I was going to go ahead an plan for the future. The worst thing that could happen is I lose this baby anyway but at least I will have enjoyed the time I had instead of waiting for some imaginary "safe zone" to start planning and looking at things. I'm even seriously thinking of cloth diapering at least part-time. These guys can be used with a disposable insert if you want but I'm planning on using them with a cloth insert. Even if I just replace 3 disposables a day with this cloth system, over two years I can save us several hundred dollars... and that motivates Jim! Plus, how cute is that little bum compared to Winnie the Pooh, no offense old bear.

Phew! There's a ton more but I get all wonky and rambly trying to remember everything so it is what it is right now. I do have a sense of peace about this pregnancy, not necessarily the gut feeling that I'll be bringing a baby home in the spring but a sense of peace that I can go ahead and do what I'm going to do and prepare because it's totally out of my control anyway. ...I've known that all along, it's just nice for the head and the heart to match up for a while.

Half-Way to Half-Way There

Still plugging along here! Even with the fear of jinxing myself, I've started to feel a bit better. I'm still tired but the extreme dizziness seems to have subsided for the most part. I still feel a bit disconnected from my body, both literally and figuratively, but it's getting better which is nice since I'd been feeling it since just after 5 weeks. It started on the way home from my parents house a month or so ago and really hadn't let up much. Now I've moved into the can't. stop. eating. phase that I don't remember so much with Rylan but sure do with Karleigh. Of course I also gained twice as much weight with her so I'll just have to make sure that's it's healthy things with which I constantly stuff my face!

I had my first "real" OB appointment yesterday. You know, the 'exciting' pee in a cup, cringe at your weight, blood pressure check, chat with the nurse, see the doc, ask any questions, schedule your next appointment... which was good because I had to pee, I've weighed more not pregnant, 120/70 isn't bad, I like Dr. C's nurse, I also like Dr. C, he answered my couple of questions, he had me schedule again for in two weeks to keep my anxiety in check.

The more detailed version... before he came in I head the familiar thump, jiggle, bonk of the bedside ultrasound machine. I have a love/hate relationship with that machine. I love seeing my baby on the screen "in real life" but I hate seeing my dead baby on the screen. Every time he turns it on I know that it can go either way. Yesterday it went the way I love. It was hard to see the heartbeat at first because baby was moving around so much. The internal struggle that followed was quite amusing in hindsight... "oh no, I don't see the heartbeat... because the baby is moving too much... is it even alive?... it needs to stop moving so I can see the heartbeat." Yes, I'm just that crazy.

Doing this again is really, really hard.

I think it's more difficult this time around because after we lost Eli you just kind of feel like, ok, we got through that and of course we'll have a healthy baby this time around because that's what's fair. Well, life isn't fair. So this time around I don't have that mental safety net that I had with Collin. I know it can happen. I know it can happen more than once and I know that it can happen at any time and while it's one thing to "know" it, I think it's another thing to live it.

Back to the upside though, I got to see arms, legs, fingers and toes, eyes, the jaw bone and everything else looking just as it should right now. Oh, and a beating heart.

First Day of School Re-do!

OK, I guess not really a "re-do" but today was Rylan's first day of preschool. He attends preschool just across the hall from Karleigh's Kindergarten classroom. The bus picks him up and brings him home and if today is any indication he's going to have a great time! It was funny, after lunch he got all dressed so I could take pictures. Obviously, he was paying attention last week!

Pics with Dad and Mom! (apparently I'm going to gain weight in my face this time... geesh!)

Karleigh and Rylan's buses are supposed to arrive at just about the same time. Rylan's driver has to pull into the driveway and can't pick him up along the road like Karleigh's bus. It became clear, why, when she arrived. Miss Judy has to get up and strap the kids in with their integrated car seats with 5-point harness and extra safety belt... YAY! Rylan loved that she let him do the chest clip himself (and then double checked it which made mom happy).

Obviously he had a great day as he was all smiles getting off of the bus this afternoon too! We asked him how it went...

"Great!"

He had recess, apples and crackers for snack, needed help with his pants button, met new friends and when we asked him what his favorite part of the day was...

"Going to school!"

His teacher is really nice, she sends home a notebook for notes which facilitate a running dialog about the day, issues, questions, etc. Very handy! Today: "Rylan had a great first day! He enjoyed playing with play dough, dinosaurs and the kitchen area. It was difficult for him to stay longer than 5 minutes at any given area. I'm sure this will increase as he becomes familiar with the room." I predicted that's what would happen... he was allowed free-for-all play time during Karleigh's Kindy intro classes last spring. We talked to him about it and how we would love it if he would listen to Teacher T and stay at each activity until it's time to move on. His response was so typical of my kid "I know, I know. Today I was just get up and move, get up and move, get up and move! I'll try harder tomorrow, OK?" OK big boy!