Eli's Birthday (part 1)

What am I supposed to do with this day?
Say?
Think?

"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go."

Joshua 1:9

I know, without a doubt, that there are people who think that I should just be done with "it". It being my babies that were very much wanted and loved - dreams that were rearranged and lives that were turned upside down. I will never be over it. My heart will always skip a beat when I hear one of my kids' names over a loud speaker in a store, or on TV, or in casual conversation. Eli has been gone a year now and Collin has be gone for 6 weeks. On the bright side, I have a handful of women supporting me and who understand what a fickle thing this is. If I want to laugh, that's great. If I find myself crying for "no reason", that's ok too. I feel like I must be a stronger person than I ever thought I could be but I certainly don't feel like it.

This is a birthday with no invitations, no balloons, no gifts wrapped in blue paper, no party, no candle, no cake, no little guest of honor, just the memory of a sweet little boy who we miss every day. The only birthday gifts are those that Eli's presence in my life has given me. Because of him I have learned so much and been given 'something' that not many people get to experience. This last year has taught me a lot about myself. I'm not going to get into all the things that I have learned because that can get pretty personal, and that's saying something considering how open I am here. The bottom line is that I have, obviously, learned that I can handle so much more than I thought I could and it didn't kill me. I'm still waiting to feel the 'makes me stronger' part but I know it's just under the surface.

There are so many thoughts going through my head this morning that I'm going to have to stop now but I'll be back, I'm sure, this evening after I've had a chance to get outside, soak up some winter sun next to Eli's garden, just 'be' and pray. And on that note, Lacey sent me an email the other day with this poem in it. I was surprised that it's one that I'd never read before...

I'm sure if he could tell you, "Thank You," he would.
I'm sure he would want you to know that he loved being a part of your lives even though brief.
He remembers the belly rubs, soothing sounds of your voices, and the adrenalin of wanting him so badly.


I'm sure if he could, he'd tell you..he's with you forever.
He will remember you both in his own angelic way, watching over you, holding onto your souls with his little hands and never releasing.
He's all around you, touching your thoughts and hugging your memories.
He smiles and laughs to comfort you each day you feel sad.
He's happy for your strength and needs your hope to help him fly.


I'm sure if he could tell you, "Thank You," he would,
For all the powerful love, for remembering him, for holding him when he was born and missing him when he became your angel.
He knows he is your combined, manifested pure love and he is your hope.


He's the light in your window, he's the hope in your heart, he's the baby angel that throws the first snowflake upon your face- his kiss to Mommy and Daddy.
Just know that the smiles on your faces help him get through his day, too, and he knows you love him, knows you miss him, and wants you to know that he's watching over you both.
If he could tell you..I know he would.

~Melanie Johnson Isayev

Whiplash

I kind of feel like I've been giving myself whiplash over the last few days. It's no surprise at all that it is because a year ago, today, I was lying in a hospital bed on the L&D floor, not totally knowing what to expect from the process but being fully aware of the outcome. The weather today is exactly the same as it was last year - bright winter sun, filtered through a high layer of clouds. You can feel the warmth coming through the windows but the air still has a little bite to it. I'm sure this weather will always take me back to that place last year. The last few days have been very strange. I'm also dealing with messed up hormones from losing Collin. Double whammy. My emotions have been a little more exaggerated higher highs and lower lows. But through it all He keeps holding me.

I've been trying to keep my body and mind really busy by working outside, working inside, playing with the kids, teaching the kids, brainstorming house projects and other various things. It, for the most part has been really helpful.
For the most part...
Yesterday was a great day. We went to story time at the library, then to lunch at Ikea so the kids could watch airplanes and the MAX train. We picked up the furniture for Rylan's room. We stopped by the school supplies store. The weather was beautiful and I felt great! I set to work on Rylan's room and ended up getting the ceiling, walls and floor all painted before my bed time. He slept in Karleigh's bed and she fell asleep in ours.

There's something cruel about grief though. It doesn't have any rules that it has to follow. It can just hit you whether you give it permission to or not. I wasn't even sad while working on Rylan's room, in fact, I was thrilled that I had decided to paint the ceiling - it really needed it - and I loved that the paint color really did turn out the way I was hoping. I was cruising along with the radio on to keep my mind from drifting. I moved on to painting his floor and as I got to the last 3 square feet, I just started silently bawling!?!? I kept painting over the tears. I don't even know what set me off, I wasn't even really thinking about anything. I think it was just one of those "this looks so much cleaner..." things and then I was quickly thrown into the thoughts of there I was, painting a bigger boy room instead of a nursery. And not only was I crying about the fact that had Eli not died, it would be the nursery for a little guy who would be starting to crawl, eating solid foods, squealing with delight at everything around him... it would be different. And then I was crying about the fact that had Collin not died, I'd have been painting for a nursery at 20 weeks pregnant with him.
But, that's not what I was doing.
I was painting a big boy room for the sweetest, funniest little guy that I know. And while that thrilled me, the ache was unstoppable.

I haven't gotten much sleep over the last couple days either. I've said it before and I've heard other people say it as well, your mind and body remember on their own whether you purposefully give into or not. I slept almost 4 hours last night and about the same, maybe a little less, the night before. I just can't turn my brain off. I can't stop the memories of last year. I hope this is just a hurdle that I need to get over and I will have all the 'firsts' behind me. I don't know though. I do know that there is peace in my sadness. I know that my sorrow is only for me and what I feel like I'm missing here.

I don't know where this broken road is going to lead me but wherever it's headed I will not be alone. How appropriate that this is the verse from my daily e-votional, dated for tomorrow:

Psalm 46:1-3
"God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea, though its waters roar and foam and the mountains quake with their surging. Selah"

I suppose that since I posted about drama while working on Rylan's room, I should show his before and after shots too. I don't think his are dramatic as Karleigh's since the wall color is, essentially, the same but we really like it and even more important, he loves it! Though the goofball crawled into bed for nap this afternoon and looked at me with a twinkle in his eye and asked, "Hey! Where's my hockey pillow!?!" I have no idea what his current fascination with teasing me with hockey statements has come from.

Before:

After:

Wordless Wednesday

Withdrawn

In an effort to keep the upcoming "birthday" off my mind, I've been continuing to try to go about life as normal... at least normal for me. Today was a big day as Jim stopped by Karleigh's preschool and officially withdrew her. The director didn't even ask why. Apparently a bit of time passed she ended up calling Jim to ask why.
I love my diplomatic husband.
He just said "after thinking about it for some time now, we have decided that she will be able to learn more at home with her mom." He figured that was the easiest and nicest way to say "the girl needs to be learning something." I'm glad she didn't call and ask me. I probably would have been caught off guard and given all sorts of reasons.

I do feel a bit sad about taking her from a place where she's made some friends however, she doesn't really seem to care but she's very excited to start Kindergarten and meet new friends. A class of kids that will be the same, five days a week? I think we're all looking forward to that. I'm realizing that she really didn't even get the opportunity to interact with her classmates much at all and that's probably why it's not a big deal to her. I think now that she's had even just a little bit of time in a "real" school setting, she realizes how much fun she is going to have next year. I really realized the difference when the Kindergarten teacher said "I'd be concerned that something was amiss if I walked into a totally silent room of 5 year olds." Karleigh's old preschool? Always very quiet. I guess that would be the upside to this preschool experience - the rest of her schooling is going to seem fun! Oh, and the fact that she'll be "allowed" to write her own name on her own papers??? she's thrilled!
And then I realize that yes, in fact, that was the right decision.
Without a doubt!

With the preschool issues aside, yay!, I feel such a weight lifted by removing the negative issues in my life... I will hopefully be able to move on to redoing Rylan's room this weekend. His bedding is scheduled to arrive on Wednesday and then I can decide on the final paint color. He's been cracking me up lately. Yesterday he said "Mom? I want a new bedroom... I want a HOCKEY room! -------- Just kidding, I want an airplane room!" Silly guy. So, I'm hoping it arrives as scheduled and that he loves it when he sees it.

Life has just been pretty "normal" around here. No major issues that can't be solved. No major dramas weighing on my mind. I'm actually feeling pretty... balanced. I've not made any decisions one way or another on the baby topic. It's not even an issue that I should be visiting until I get this week behind me. Right now I'm just taking that 'what will be, will be' stance because I can't pretend to know what the right make-up of our family is so I'm not going to stress about it. I'm enjoying the kids together. I'm enjoying the ages they are, that they're able to help with yard work (and love it and learn from it), that they're able to play games together without fighting, that they both have impeccable manners and are so full of love.

I guess I'm at a point where I don't think that this blog is going to always seem to focus on the sadness that I feel. I will feel it for the rest of my life but just like I brush my hair every day, I'm not going to blog about how it felt if that makes any sense at all. I really thought that my "rainbow" was going to be another baby. Perhaps my rainbow is not a baby. Maybe it's something else that I can't even imagine right now. Or maybe, it's just enjoying every day and smiling a bit more, not letting outside influences get to me and being the best mom and wife that I can be. I guess only time will tell!

And that's OK...

No Ordinary Sundy

This is no ordinary Sunday. The Sunday after Valentine's Day marks the point in time that I realized that Eli's heart was not beating normally. Last year the weather was beautiful and sunny, today, much the same. I tried not to dwell on it or think about it too much but we ended up working in the yard right next to Eli's flower garden. We took out a couple holly trees and are going to be working on making an area that's more flat for our outdoor table and chairs. Since it's a "farm house" yard, there are very few flat areas. So, that's the plan for now and it's nice to get started on it at this time of year instead of starting in June or July.

I promised to hit on this a few days ago, so here we go! Karleigh's preschool issue... it's not a major issue. She isn't having any behavior problems at all, no problems with the "teachers", I'm just feeling like it really isn't a good fit. There is a laundry list of things that have bothered me throughout the months that she has been there and they've all just added up.
* I am finding out that, though they "sold" their program as an educational one, it really isn't. At least it's not up to par for what I would expect her to be learning. She is only sort of getting the social interaction. She's experiencing math and reading and science but all of that is gained at home, with me.
* The staff hardly acknowledges the parents, they leave notes taped to the child's box for instance, about it being a "problem" that she was dropped of 10 minutes early (never mind the fact that I always also pick her up slightly early but humm, they don't refund me my money).
* They don't stick to their schedule. I understand flexibility but when I am there at the same time for pick up and some days they're listening to a story, some days the kids are eating and other days they're getting ready to go into the play room, I don't understand how they can be so worked up about a 5 minute variation.
* There is a very high turnover rate of students. That speaks volumes to me.
* They make K take her sweaters and sweatshirts off if she has a shirt underneath... that's just weird.
* When we were given the info and registration packet, it stated that all children needed to be independent toileters in order to be considered for the program. There is now at least one child who is still solely diapered and walking around with a sippy cup. Apparently the rules only apply to a select few?
* The kids that stay for daycare are not allowed to talk while they are eating. I walked in one day to pick K up and one of the other kids said "Karleigh, your mom is here!" and the teacher said "Shhh, we don't talk while we're eating." I don't know about you but that's when we we discuss our day in our family - around the dinner table!
At any rate, there are a bunch more little things that just all add up. It just seems to me like they're not teaching her anything. I understand that preschool is not all about reading, writing and arithmetic. It's about learning to interact with peers and authority figures and learning how to act in a classroom setting. She's got that down. That was very clear when we went to her first Kindergarten orientation night. We have all but decided that I can teach her, and Rylan for that matter, far more than the preschool. We'll have an extra $250 a month for flashcards, work books and field trips. Now, I'm not talking about full on homeschooling but I am talking about ceasing the time spent at this "preschool". The parents that can do that (home school) and do it well have my highest respect. I'm still looking forward, with my own trepidation, to her starting Kindergarten in September. I sure never thought the words "I can't wait for her to start public school!" would ever really come out of my mouth.

At any rate, Karleigh is a very curious thinker and she needs to be challenged. When she asks "what are the differences between bugs and worms?" someone needs to be able to answer her. She needs to be taken outside to observe them both and she needs to come up with a list of differences. She needs to be allowed to come in and look up other answers to her questions on the computer. When she asked the question at school, she was told "they just are." Nice. Of course, this is what she told me but then again, she talks to me more than the director or her teacher do so, until proven otherwise, I'm going to choose to believe my daughter who, by the way, couldn't be more thrilled that we are going to start "playing school at home more!"

So, no, this was no ordinary Sunday. Yet, at the same time, it was. We worked in the yard and noticed that spring really is on its way and we discussed how much longer Karleigh would stay at the school. There will always be that piece of me that looks back to this time of year both with fondness and with sadness. It's really amazing how much a few hours can change your life. Forever.

One More Reason

Above you see just one more reason that I love my husband... and I know that he loves me - us, too. He always sends flowers the day before Valentine's Day so that we can enjoy them from before the moment we wake up on the special day! And a close-up of the note that was included with my favorite flowers...

You LIKE Me!

Yay! I'm Really Loved! I received the "Honest Scrap" award from Breanna! Thank you so much!
The rules (that I changed a bit, sorry!) for this award:
1) Choose a minimum of 7 blogs that you find brilliant in content or design.
2) Show the 7 winners names and links on your blog. There's no prize, but they can keep the nifty icon!
3) List at least 10 honest things about yourself.
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My 7 (scratch that... 5) bloggers are:
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Rachel

Michelle

Jacinda

Angela
Heather

I can't think of two more that I want to "torture" with another 'award' :P
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10 Honest Things About Me :)
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10. I really have to go pee-pee but I want to finish this first!

9. I am very proud of my kids!

8. I am seriously considering taking Karleigh out of her preschool.

7. I will blog about #8 at another time.
6. I used to cry when thinking about sending Karleigh to Kindergarten.
5. I watched her at her first Kindy night and she's so ready!

4. I'm sniffing in fresh Gerbera Daisies right now.

3. I am shocked at how much Rylan knows.
2. I wish he wouldn't hide it.

1. I love my husband!