First Appointment...

Oh, don't get all excited! It was just the nurse/intake appointment. We went over my yucky history, height 5' 3.5"(love when then give me that .5"), weight 129 (hello bloat!), BP 112/74 (even after that weight!), went over what OTC meds are ok, foods, testing, 6 viles of blood and pee in a cup, yadda yadda yadda. Not a bad appointment but it was really weird to be back and talking about pregnancy like nothing is going to go wrong. I felt strange talking about things like appointments after 20 weeks, where we want to deliver. Very odd.

I do have to say that I think I did a pretty good job today. I stayed upbeat for the most part and only choked up a little bit once. I had asked, back in March I suppose, if I could get a couple copies of the last ultrasound that I had after Eli's heart had stopped beating. I know he wasn't alive anymore but he looked totally perfect on the screen. The office told me "no problem you'll just have to come in and sign a release and we'll give them to you." I asked if I could get those today and it seems that after the pathology and autopsy reports were added to my file, the ultrasounds were thrown away. *sigh* It would have been nice to have those.

It does all seem to be going so fast right now. I have an ultrasound scheduled for next week already. I'm not sure how much we'll see at that point since it will be the earliest one I've had so far but with my numbers what they are, I should be able to see something reassuring. My first OB appointment is scheduled for December 5th with Dr. C. He's the one who I saw when I knew Eli had died, was on-call when I delivered and performed the surgery following delivery. He's a nice guy and I really hope that I can stay "cool". I haven't seen him since February.

I know that this is a different pregnancy, a different situation and a different baby. Numbers are great and symptoms are reassuring. Today was another big milestone in that I am now further into this pregnancy than I managed with any of the last 3 losses and there's no reason to believe that something has to go wrong.

Here We Go Again, Again...

So, today has been one of those days. It's pouring down rain, it's been one year, today, since we conceived Eli, did I mention it's also just grey and cold and yucky outside? Also though, Jim had the day off so we had a family day even if it only involved running errands, a napless day, puzzles and board games.

But more than that, it's been a very strange day because suddenly it's full of optimism once again. You see, one of our - make that my - errands, was to stop by the lab once again. "Once again" because I was there on Monday too. As you may recall, last month was our last for trying to add to our family. The meds were messing with my physically and emotionally and I was quite sure that I needed a long break to take care of myself. So, while most people get to jump with joy at the sight of two pink lines on a home pregnancy test, I smile (because let's not forget that in the beginning of our family building, just getting pregnant was a huge battle), and then pray that the other shoe doesn't drop. When most people see the "pregnant" on a digital test they get to let out a "yippee!". I have to remember to breathe. It is what it is. I've been given a different path than most people and I'm ok with it. When I went in on Monday, it was a total comedy of errors but I finally got my hcg beta back around 5:30 in the evening. 1283. That's a great number for 17 dpo but a single number doesn't really tell you much. What you need to look for is that the number increases by at least 60% in 48 hours. See all these things that so many people didn't even know? Ideally, you want to see something closer to it doubling in 48 hours. So, 5:15 this evening rolls around and my doctors office finally calls me back. I answer the phone shaking from the inside out... 2776! I know a lot of people wait until that "all clear" mark of 12 weeks. Well, you know what? That "all clear" mark only holds a 50% success rate for me so that's why I have said something now. When you're faced with it, you realize that you're not guaranteed a live baby after hearing a heartbeat at 7 weeks, or 16 weeks, or 26 weeks or even 40+ weeks. Sad but true.

So, here we go again, again. I do sincerely pray that this is our happily ever after with our rainbow baby and that July 2009 is tons better than July 2008.

It's a Tuesday...

Tuesdays always seem to be full of anticipation for me, and this one is no exception to the rule. Perhaps it's because Tuesday is Karleigh's first school day of the week and then Wednesday is a family day since Jim almost always has it off. Could be. It's nice to get over the Monday's and Tuesday is usually a pretty great, pretty productive day for me.

Productivity today does not seem to include napping children. Just now I could still hear them whispering upstairs and went to check on them. They are both cuddled up in Karleigh's bed. Cute huh!? So, I told them if they can sleep, they can stay together. Once upon a time, less than a year ago, they shared a bedroom. See, I thought I'd get a head start on things and moved them into the same room when we knew that baby #3 was going to be joining us. I didn't want all the changes to come at once and I didn't want anyone to feel displaced so I thought I was doing the right thing by making the change early. I mean I waited until I was past 12 weeks so all is safe right? Well, we know how that story ends. So, eventually we moved everyone back to their own bedrooms but they still like to try to sneak in and sleep with each other.

It is a grey, wet, rainy, raw day today - even by pacific northwest standards so I'm hoping that instead of turning to a lump on the couch with a cup of tea, I actually get some cleaning done. Either that or get another one or two felt donuts done for one of Karleigh's Christmas gifts. Even though most of it is hand sewed, I cheat and use the machine for part of it BUT if the kids are even slightly awake, as soon as they hear the machine, they come running. So, I'll have to see if any sleeping really takes place today.

I've been quiet lately, kind of taking a step back from things. This week is kind of a big one in the whole process. A process which I'm realizing will never be complete. Tomorrow is the one year mark from when we conceived Eli so that's kind of weird. I can remember so much of what we did surrounding preparing for him and the things that we did when I was pregnant with him like it was just last month but on the other hand it feels like it was a total Twilight Zone, other life ago. I'm sure that's to be expected though and it's ok. For now, I'm just trying to breathe and not get ahead of myself while trying to move forward at the same time. Wish me luck!

Just some petty venting...

In the past I have done "thankful Thursday" but today I'm annoyed, and since it's been a few days since I blogged last I figured what a great time for a vent!

I'm annoyed with DirecTV... our set up worked fine when I went to town this morning and when I got home they had "updated" the programming of the box and now it's all stupid and messed up. Jim's currently on the phone with them but come on!!!

I'm annoyed at the rain - but it's Washington and I'll get over it.

I'm annoyed that my friends would ever have to go through more than one loss. Please pray for Jenell.

I went shopping today and the store that I needed to shop at was full of crazy women and kids, 99% of whom thought the sale was more important than making sure their kids weren't out wandering in the mall. Seriously, I had to usher one kid back in three times... like walk out in the mall, down two stores, and herd him back in... and yes, I lost my place in line.

I'm annoyed by a multitude of election results.

Anyway, that's enough complaining for now!!!

Tagged!

Ok... this came at a great time - Holli tagged me on her blog and considering it's nearing a week since I've posted this gives me something!



7 Weird Facts About Me:



one... I bite the sides of my fingers when I'm nervous or bored (I know, gross right?!) but I could never imagine biting my nails.



two... I only had one real Barbie doll during my childhood. My mother-in-law bought me two when I was in college but I left them in their boxes. Karleigh, at 4, has 5 including the two from the box and my one from growing up.



three... I love to watch wedding shows to distract me from my life and to watch Jon & Kate Plus 8 just to prove that I'm no where near the psycho mom and wife that I sometimes feel.



four... Even though I feel like I look exactly the same as I did in high school, many of my friends have commented on how I look different in almost all of my photos from the last 3 years or so.



five... I like Wendy's fries dipped in frostys. I know, sounds gross but try it before you knock it!



six... I am not a morning person. Not in the least!



seven... I don't like playing Monopoly. Weird, I know, but that was the point of this!



And for a bonus, here a cute pic of the kiddos napping on Saturday (after a very fun Halloween) at my parents house:

Alrighty! Now for the seven people that I tag: Lacey, Kara, Danielle, Lauren, Lisa, Julie, Heather!

Almost Wordless Wednesday...

In this part of the world, when you get a chance to actually play in the leaves when they're not all wet and soggy, you have to make the most of it!

Let's Go Fly A Kite...

We decided to harness the wind today for a little bit of fun. The weather was beautiful but so windy! Windy enough to knock the power out a few times but never for longer than a moment. It was also windy enough to rip the kite right out of Rylan's hands, carrying it down the hill. Watching Jim sprint nearly 200 yards down hill, across the fields was crazy cheap entertainment but he ended up catching the handle shortly before the kite hit the tree line. Karleigh ended up laughing so hard that she was crying. Thankfully they were tears of joy for the first time in the day. She had a very tearful morning telling her best friend "goodbye" before they move 2500 miles away. She is having a hard time with the concept of this move, assuming that she'll never see her again. But the truth is, they'll still see each other again since the extended family is still in the area. I KNOW she doesn't get the concept since she asked if Tennessee was close to England. I'm thinking that she is equating this to telling her aunt and uncle goodbye when they moved to England over a year ago and she hasn't seen them since. Anyway, for this reason, she just didn't seem to believe us when we told her that she'd hopefully see her in the spring. So, it was nice to take her mind off of that and just run around outside. And yes, they're in their pj's... cozy, new pj's!

Also, YAY!, Jim and I have voted so we can tune out all of that negative stuff on tv and move on to something... anything else!