Almost Wordless Wednesday...

In this part of the world, when you get a chance to actually play in the leaves when they're not all wet and soggy, you have to make the most of it!

Let's Go Fly A Kite...

We decided to harness the wind today for a little bit of fun. The weather was beautiful but so windy! Windy enough to knock the power out a few times but never for longer than a moment. It was also windy enough to rip the kite right out of Rylan's hands, carrying it down the hill. Watching Jim sprint nearly 200 yards down hill, across the fields was crazy cheap entertainment but he ended up catching the handle shortly before the kite hit the tree line. Karleigh ended up laughing so hard that she was crying. Thankfully they were tears of joy for the first time in the day. She had a very tearful morning telling her best friend "goodbye" before they move 2500 miles away. She is having a hard time with the concept of this move, assuming that she'll never see her again. But the truth is, they'll still see each other again since the extended family is still in the area. I KNOW she doesn't get the concept since she asked if Tennessee was close to England. I'm thinking that she is equating this to telling her aunt and uncle goodbye when they moved to England over a year ago and she hasn't seen them since. Anyway, for this reason, she just didn't seem to believe us when we told her that she'd hopefully see her in the spring. So, it was nice to take her mind off of that and just run around outside. And yes, they're in their pj's... cozy, new pj's!

Also, YAY!, Jim and I have voted so we can tune out all of that negative stuff on tv and move on to something... anything else!

Costume Check, Medical Vent Check...

Just before nap time today, the kids decided that they wanted to check out their costumes and make sure that they're ready for next week so I obliged. I think they're pretty cute! If you can't tell, Karleigh's a fairy (in real life the costume is green and purple and her tights are striped) and Rylan's a monkey. Both, quite fitting.

In totally un-halloween related news, Rylan and I took Karleigh to the dentist today. The kids were just there earlier in the month with Jim while I had blood work drawn at the hospital. By the time I got back, they were done. I had a few questions about Karleigh's tooth that had fallen out last month and the new tooth that is growing in... and very crooked and looking very much, to my untrained eye, not like a permanent tooth. So I called the other day with my concerns and was, of course, told "I'm sure it's fine and just a little crooked. Kids really don't ever have a second baby tooth." Except, my kid does. She is in cahoots with the Tooth Fairy as this tooth will also fall out and THEN her permanent tooth will come down. It was clear as day on the x-ray. So, I will now be calling a couple other children's dentists to see what they recommend. At first our dentist said that it would reabsorb and not cause an issue, then she said it should reabsorb, then she said it might not reabsorb and/or fall out. So really, she doesn't know and that's ok but I am going to call around and see if I can find anyone in the area who has dealt with this thing that "never happens" before and find out what they recommend. I do not want this to mess with her permanent tooth. I'm learning more and more that the mommy instincts are far more... helpful?... than most diplomas on a wall. Between this tooth situation, my knowing that Eli had died in utero but being balked at until they did an ultrasound and Karleigh ending up with Chicken Pox even though she had been vaccinated against it so the Ped insisted that that's not what it could possibly be... until they looked at her, I'm feeling very tested by the medical community. No, none of those situations are anyones fault but please quit telling me I'm wrong!

Other than that, it's a beautiful fall day today. I attempted to take some pics of the fall foliage but alas, it just never turns out near as vibrant as it looks in person. It's hard to believe we're almost to the end of October but I'm glad. I'm ready to put this year behind me.

Another Step Away...

Another step away from baby. Today Rylan graduated from his toddler bed to a regular, big boy twin bed. Wow. He was thrilled to jump into his new covers and try it out. He picked a sports theme which is fun and appropriate. The room is a work in progress but the bed is in, made, and currently being slept in as I post this.

It's a bit sad to me. I LOVE his crib/nursery bedding and now I can't decide what to do with it. It's not just the bedding but the paintings, the cross stitch pictures, wall decor and blanket that were made to match. Of course those vintage airplane things are still up in his room until I collect the little boy things that will replace the baby things. I cannot just keep hanging on to these things but getting rid of them is a gigantic step. And in attempting to make that step, I'm afraid that I will trip and fall flat on my face. Truth of the matter is, if we ever do experience that miracle blessing of another baby, there will be some room sharing going on and yes, I'm that person, who will want things to coordinate. So, the rational person would look at it and say "eBay, here I come!" but me... I will probably box it up and put it under my bed until who-knows-when.

It's not that I want Rylan to stay a baby I'm just still finding it a little hard to grasp the fact that there isn't a baby in the family as I had expected there to be by this time of year. No, I'm loving watching Rylan grow and come into his own. He has a sense of humor, can swing a bat and a golf club like nobodies business, is very clever and he gives the best hugs and kisses, oh, and his laugh is seriously contagious. I just wasn't prepared to be moving forward without another little one, that's all...

Been A While...

I know... it was brought to my attention tonight that I haven't posted anything in basically a week. I've been avoiding blogging and doing a lot of thinking. Long story short, I have come to find myself in a place where I'm thinking that for my mental and physical well being, I'm not going to be able to continue on the path of so desperately trying to add to our family. It is certainly a decision that hasn't come without tears and headaches and an insane amount of sadness and feelings of defeat. For someone as type A and driven by planning as I am, this is a really hard place to find myself. But harder? Is knowing that I'm letting all the great things that I do have slip past without enjoying them like I should.

The time that I have invested this go 'round isn't nearly as long as it took for us to get pregnant with Karleigh - that was over a 4 year process, start to delivery and it's bee "just" 8 months since I delivered Eli. So, yes I know that patience is a virtue but what's different is getting pregnant was more our problem than staying pregnant when you look at it from all angles. Achieving a pregnancy with Rylan was a virtual piece of cake, medicated for 2 months and we were good to go. And now, well, something seems different and it feels like a much steeper mountain to climb to get the the point of having a third, live child. And of course that has to do with 4 sucker punches in a relatively short period of time.

I'm not giving up but I'm also not going to, at least for the next several months, strive towards adding to our family with such force. Letting go and letting God, as it is so frequently said. I want to enjoy the upcoming holidays and the added stress of trying to conceive does not add to the joy that I want to experience. The fact of the matter is we won't be preventing either but my pregnancy with Eli is the only one that happened without medical help so I don't expect anything out of the ordinary to happen. Of course, I'm always open to the option of a miracle but once this month is over, I'm done. At least for some time. It's not like I'm stopping because I feel like I'm too old or it's costing too much. It's just too much mentally, and physically it also seems that the medication is not getting along with my body near as well as it did in the past.

So, that's where I'm at right now. Of course, this month I have been medicated so there's no sense in wasting it but beyond this I need a "time out". A time out to enjoy the kids, my husband and everything around me without living my life in two week increments, cycle days, temps and blood draws. I need to regain control over my body and my mental state. Who knows what my next few projects will be. Yard work is pretty much out of the question due to the weather and the house is pretty much under control so maybe the basement? Or organization? And certainly more time to enjoy just being. Hopefully...

October 15th...

Today (as if every single day isn't?) is the day set aside to remember our lost babies. I don't like the term "lost". It's not like I don't know where they are... oops, where did I put that baby?... no, I know where they are and I also know where they're not.

The Process of Thought...

My brain is, at times, a bit of a detriment to me. However, it's predictable if nothing else. As if on cue, I have been questioning where I am really going to go from here. I'm not even sure where 'here' is anymore. Of course the questioning and the doubts always creep in after I have started taking the meds for the month. I do fully believe that some of that is a side effect of the medicine (I'm noticing the routine) so I have to take the thoughts with a grain of salt but they are still there.

The thoughts range from "why do you keep doing this to yourself?" to "you're not going to get another baby until you're a better mom". Then there is the "if God wanted you to have another baby, you would..." or "just be thankful for the two that you have". There are also the thoughts of how tired I feel now, will I be able to handle the exhaustion that comes with another infant? Of course I attribute much of my exhaustion to the current events and not the having two kids. But... the doubts are there and I hate it.

I have decided, for now at least, that I'm not going to do too many more tests and try to follow the 'what will be, will be' route. I"m also going to try to remember what Romans 8:18 says: For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us. - thanks "K" for reminding me of that. I am to a point where I think that I would decline any surgeries that would be necessary to correct any damage so I don't really see the point in having the tests done. That, at least, is some progress in the thought process. I don't know if I'm going to give myself a time limit or a loss limit or set any more limits or goals for myself and I'm not going to at this point. Even though it took years to get our first baby, for some reason I didn't think that this would be so difficult. And yet, I know some are wondering why I want to even have a third child. Just a couple months before we got pregnant with Eli I had almost talked myself into being ok with "just" having two children. However, after planning and looking forward to having three, I still feel like my 'job' isn't finished. And even as perfect as one boy and one girl is supposed to seem... it just doesn't feel complete. I know that another baby will never replace Eli and that's not what I'm looking to do. I know that the emotional scars will always be there, I still think about my losses before the kids were born so I know that it won't go away but I do want our family to feel complete. I'm just afraid that I'm being too stubborn about doing it on my terms.

I need to find some peace and clarity on this subject...