In my Purse...

I cannot think of anything very deep that I want to write about tonight so here goes... I received this in an email from a friend who reads, so instead of replying I decided I'd do it here. Apparently, it's supposed to give you some great insight to the "real" me. We'll see, it's pretty messy right now - humm, maybe that's your answer!

Anyway, without further ado *drum roll please* within my tiny pink Coach purse (thank you very much Lacey and eBay for the pic) I have:
~ a set of keys to the van
~ my wallet
~ a free floating insurance card that I need to put away
~ a Party City coupon... good for $5 off!
~ 3 shopping lists for birthday party supplies
~ approximately 5 feet of Gymboree receipts
~ a Target receipt
~ a car wash receipt
~ Orange Julius receipt
~ Fred Meyer receipt
~ an expired $10 off coupon for NY&C... spent too much on the kids to worry about me!
~ one yellow ring pop end
~ two wet naps and one empty wet nap wrapper
~ pink pen
~ a box of Tic Tacs
~ 18 cents floating around
~ 4 Gymboree Rise and Shine coupons and one $15 off of $50 coupon
~ my cell phone that needs to be charged

That's *all*! Yes, in that teeny tiny purse --- which is now clean thanks to this project!

P.A.I.L. Awareness...

October... it's very public knowledge that it's Breast Cancer Awareness month but it's also Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month. So much money goes into breast cancer research but there's a part of me that can't help but think that maybe one of these lost babies could have held the answer to healing and prevention for breast cancer among many other things. So why isn't more being done to try to prevent this? The realist in me says "because that's just not the way it's supposed to be" but the optimist in me says "but just maybe technology will get a handle on this!"

October 15th is the official Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. Across the world, people light a candle at 7:00 p.m. their local time for a global "Wave of Light" to remember our babies. Feel free to join in and please keep all of those who are dealing with loss, at any stage, in your thoughts and prayers. I came across a saying that says it all so well: A tiny life doesn't equal a tiny loss.

Each year, approximately a million pregnancies in the United States end in miscarriage, stillbirth, or neonatal death. Sadly, there are so very many families that experience this. I started to write "women" but it's not just the women. It's the dads, and the grandparents, and the friends, and the expectant siblings. Most have no clue how to deal with it when loss strikes them. Some of us have walked the path multiple times but even then each step is different.

I know I've commented before on how a wonderful group of friends banded together and made a donation to A Small Victory when Eli died. If you have the means and the desire, I highly encourage you to donate to this non-profit organization grown from love and grief by another friend of mine. They provide loss kits to hospitals and now even doctors offices so that moms don't have to leave completely empty handed.

I was "lucky" to already know Liz and about her organization and she walked me through what I could expect and things that I should do. It was hard to absorb everything as I was lying there in L&D preparing to deliver and even harder after the delivery and surgery. You never think that when you get that positive pregnancy test that one day you'll be shopping for going home outfits and 48 hours later you have to decide which funeral home you want to take care of your baby.

For more information on P.A.I.L. Awareness, see:

http://www.october15th.org/ or http://www.firstcandle.org/

Reminders...

I know that I have shared before about some of the incredible people in my life. In this century, it is easy to call people, whom you have never met face to face, your friends. Sure, many of these people may live in my computer but God still uses them in incredible ways. One of these people in particular is so good about just plopping a verse or a lesson or a thought into my head when she thinks of it.

The other evening this friend, we'll call her "A"... sent me a little message and it included the following:
A missionary to Nigeria came and visited us.
He gave me these words:
"Only you can surrender your concerns to the Father. No one can take those away and give them to God. Only you can cast all your anxieties on the one who cares for you. What better way to start the day than laying your cares at His feet?"

...and just to tell you how in-tune A is... I just received another message from her so I'll save this and get back to it in a bit.

OK, clearly I'm back! Anyway, of course I'm dealing with a stressful time in my life but aren't we all? If your concern is money, or a house that needs to be sold, or a relationship, or arms that need to be filled, or jobs that need to be found, or moving that needs to be done, or tests that need to be passed, or illness, or sadness, or loneliness... no one else can solve those problems for you. She can pray for me but I have to do the work and let it go.

Let it go: that's where another friend of mine comes into play. She is constantly reminding me, and herself, that everything that we are experiencing is exactly where we're supposed to be so fighting it is futile. I need to remember to learn and grow from every single experience that I walk through.

I talk a good talk... some days it's hard to pull my boots on though and walk the walk. When I find that I'm starting to drift, that's when He pulls me closer and uses these amazing people in my life. Gotta' love that!

Tick, Tock...

Time has such a strange pattern of perceived movement. I just realized it's been a handful of days since I posted anything. Part of the reasoning is that I'm in the midst of that "weird" time that you TTCers are too aware of. The 2ww - if that just totally went over your head, don't worry about it. I'm just looking to speed time up right now in parts of my life and in the other parts of my life I wouldn't mind if it slowed down.

I've also been preparing for R's 3rd Birthday which is approaching like a locomotive. Um, yah, you would have to know that his birthday is a "train" birthday to find that remotely amusing. But yes, I would like to hold on to a bit more of his baby days. At three there's just zero pretending that he's still a baby. The only thing slightly anchoring anything of him to babyhood are his blankets that he sleeps with. K also still has her pup-pup though (most nights) but other than that, babyhood is gone for my kids. This in and of itself is bittersweet - I love watching them grow up and learn but they're days that I won't even get back. I was looking through old photo CD's from before R was even born and found video of K tickling her tummy during bath time. Too cute and yet something that I hadn't thought about in a long time.

I also get frustrated at the fact that the events that took place 7 months ago caused me to kind of pass though things without really noticing what was really going on. I don't know, I'm kind of getting off on a tangent which isn't all that surprising but yah, time does a funny thing to you so, right now, I'm just trying to deal with it until I get my footing and see where time will take me.

My other excuse for not writing is that we all have colds. We're thinking K brought it home from pre-school since she was the first to get it, then R, then Jim even got it and now I'm trying hard to fight it but I can tell I'm probably going to lose this battle. It's ok though, I'd rather have it now than in two weeks for R's birthday party. I hope you enjoy hearing about birthdays because that's the main thing consuming my time right now so you'll probably hear some more about it!

On that note, it's late and since I am fighting this cold I'm wiped out so it's time to hit the hay soon! Have a great weekend!

The Results are In...

After all those viles of blood drawn, the verdict from two weeks worth of testing is in and the result??? Yup, all negative. I literally got this info 2 minutes ago so forgive me if I ramble as I work through it in my head.



I should be quite happy about this, and I am. In fact the nurse from the RE's office said "congratulations!" but I have mixed emotions about it. I wasn't exactly looking forward to daily Lovenox injections in my tummy but it would have been nice to have an explanation as to maybe why I keep losing pregnancies and I would have had a plan of action to help me keep one. So, does that mean it's total crappy luck? Perhaps. However, it could still be that genetic component issue and we just need to get the "right" egg with the "right" sperm in order to have another healthy pregnancy because clearly we are able to have healthy, normal, tooth-losing, tantrum-throwing kids. There is much relief that, luckily, this isn't something that could have easily been prevented. So, that's good. I also feel much better about my decision to go ahead and continue to "try" even though we were still waiting for test results. I would have been kicking myself had I ignored our window of opportunity only to find out that everything was normal. The Peri. is sending the report to my OB/GYN and I guess we'll go from there.



I'm still feeling slightly numb. No diagnosis. No reasons. No way to help this not happen again. On the up-side, I'm not at an increased risk for stroke, heart attack and blood clots but I still fall into that category of having multiple, unexplained miscarriages. So, I fall back on what I've been doing all along and pray. Pray that when, and if, I get the opportunity again I don't have to try to figure out how to deal with loss number six.

Chocolate Cup Cake...

What do you do when you have a craving for chocolate cake but no desire to actually spend an hour baking one or the motivation to drive to town to buy one? Make your own Chocolate Cup Cake!

I ran across the receipe online and was a bit skeptical but I figured what the heck? And if it didn't turn out, I was only out a few minutes and a couple of cheap ingredients! The end result isn't exactly pretty but it is pretty yummy. And, seriously, it only takes about 5 minutes from craving to satisfaction!

5 MINUTE CHOCOLATE CUP CAKE

4 tablespoons cake flour (plain flour, not self-rising.)
4 tablespoons sugar
2 tablespoons baking cocoa
1 egg
3 tablespoons milk
3 tablespoons oil
3 tablespoons chocolate chips (optional)
A small splash of vanilla essence
1 coffee mug

Add dry ingredients to mug and mix well.
Add the egg and mix thoroughly.
Pour in the milk and oil and mix well.
Add the chocolate chips (if using) and vanilla essence and mix again.

Put your mug in the microwave and cook for 3 minutes at 1000 watts. The cake will rise over the top of the mug, but don't be alarmed! Allow to cool a little, and tip out onto a plate if desired.

EAT!

It is a heavier more spongy cake so you might even want to share --- or maybe not!

Mountains...

So, I've been giving a little re-cap of our mini-vacation last week and mentioned visiting Mount St.Helens on the way home so I figured I'd better get on it and share those photos! I think I already mentioned that I wished that it had been a bit more clear but the lack of rain this time of year, means that the hazy look is to be expected.

Yay for remembering to take the family pic!

Twenty-eight years later, it still looks like a foreign landscape. These are remains of trees that were in the blast zone and just ripped apart when the mountain blew. I just thought this sign was kind of funny...

And this little guy is making sure that he's following the instructions.

The kids wanted to hike off the main trail, so we did. However, Jim and I both ended up hiking back with a kid on each of our shoulders. Not the easiest of tasks at 4300 ft elevation but we survived to tell about it and burn off some of that fast food that we grabbed before getting off the freeway!
We all loved the visit to the mountain. It hasn't changed a lot since Jim and I were there 8 years ago except for now they charge you - $8 for adults, the kids were free - to step foot on the grounds at Johnston Ridge Observatory and they've closed the Coldwater Ridge Observatory. Anyway, we made sure to get our moneys worth and spent a few hours there. The kids could have listened to the story of the eruption for hours, watching the little lights flow across the model of the mountain and surrounding areas. Karleigh was very much into learning about the volcano and asked a lot of questions. It was fun to watch her take it all in. She and I also watched the 16 minute movie about the event just before we left. She did ask, as we were leaving, "What about all the animals? The deer and the bears and the chipmunks..." So I had to explain that sad part of it but no less than 5 minutes out of the parking lot, a little coyote pup ran across the road in front of us so I was able to explain that even the animals were able to move back in. Phew!

When we returned home, I had a few of my own mountains to face but I have managed to scale those too. Like I said earlier, there was LOTS of baby news waiting for us when we returned home and continued to come for the next few days.

Yesterday, the plan was to either hit the coast or the gorge but the weather was yucky and we didn't really get moving very soon so we decided that, as Karleigh had suggested, the park was it. Then we went out to eat at Red Robin and took the kids to Build A Bear. Interestingly enough, we still haven't built a bear. We have a cat, a monkey, an elephant, a bunny and a puppy now - but no bears. After that, I decided that I needed to buy something for one of the new babies. This in and of itself was a pretty big thing being that yesterday was 7 months since I delivered Eli. It was actually a big hurdle and the gift is for the baby boy whose shower I just couldn't make myself go to. I'd show you a pic but I know his mommy reads - so ha ha! - She'll have to wait until she moves back to town in 9 days - WOOHOO! Anyway, it was very therapeutic to get that purchase made and do it with joy in my heart. We'll see how holding him goes...

And yah, this really does make everything easier...

I Thessalonians 5:16-18
"Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances,
for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus."