Today, while wandering outside, I glanced over to Eli's garden and realized that a few new flowers were really thriving. The "wild" daisies, not so much since they've been blooming for a month but the heliotrope is looking great. The bachelors buttons are getting huge and the butterfly bush and phlox should be in full bloom in just a few days.

At any rate, I was looking at the heliotrope and thinking how cute and delicate it is. It had gotten munched by a deer just days after going in the ground. Just as it was recovering from that blow, it got totally trampled by the dog. Yet, it's still beautiful and actually thriving... and is probably even more full of flowers due to the injuries it received. Hummm....

Of course that brought me back to one of my favorite verses and then when I read it again later in the afternoon, it all just kind of clicked for me today.

We also glory in tribulations,knowing that tribulation produces perseverance; and perseverance, character; and character, hope.

Romans 5:3-4

PS... sorry about the chopped pics. I loaded them through Photobucket since Blogger was having "internal errors"... but I understand those! ;)

Around Every Corner...

As I had hoped, I woke today feeling quite a bit better. Jim let me sleep in and, bonus, when I came downstairs I discovered that he was nearly done cleaning the basement (thank you little list). Score! The only problem is that he can't do everything that he wants to do because we are in limbo land with baby #3. High chair - keep or donate? Same with the infant toys, the toddler toys, a stroller, a booster seat, baby bath, tubs and tubs of toddler clothes. In the end, he organized everything nicely but the reminders are around every corner.

This evening after the kids were finally quiet in bed we both dove into cleaning our respective "catch all" cupboards (again, thank you little list). This house does have a fair amount of storage which is both a blessing and a curse. There were things that I just couldn't bring myself to get rid of because maybe, hopefully, I will need them in the future. Same for Jim... it's around every corner. It's not a "bad" thing, it's just the way it is and I'm ok with that. I suppose I will always be reminded of Eli which is also ok and in a way, actually makes me happy.

What am I Trying to Prove?

What am I trying to prove by posting something every day? I have absolutely. no. idea. I mean really, I don't feel a whole lot different than I did yesterday so why am I here, grasping for something to say. Is it because it's a challenge? Is it because it gives me a sense of control? Does doing so mean that I just keep dragging on and on about the fact that I have experienced a bummer of a loss? I don't know really. I know that in one of my very first entries, I stated that I was writing to help me deal with losing Eli and hopefully to make it a little bit easier. I think that I accomplished that goal. I feel like, most days, that I'm doing pretty well. It wouldn't matter if I missed a day or two or even *gasp* a week! Maybe part of it is that if I'm still here "dealing" with Eli, that I don't have to think about the fact that I've already lost another in this journey or that I am even ON another journey. Maybe I'm hoping that I can just go along, taking my meds, charting all the details that could make anyone blush and I won't have to think about the fact that yet again, I'm feeling a bit like that hamster trapped in the wheel.

Now, don't get me wrong... I don't feel the loss all the time. I have hours on end that I truly enjoy my life and my family and everything that I have been given but not a day goes by that I don't think about where my heart really wishes I was right now. But the fact is, I'm going to have to fight to get back to where I once was and fight even harder to bring a 3rd baby home. Um, yah. Why can't I just feel totally complete with Karleigh and Rylan? That would be easier wouldn't it, then I could just close the proverbial book on this whole baby making process and call it, close to, perfect.

I like to show the face of a mom who has healed, who is moving forward and has nothing but support for her friends. 99% of the time, that's true. Today falls into that other 1%.
One of my favorite people had her baby shower in town today, for her baby boy.
I didn't go.
I didn't even RSVP.
I suck.
People who don't RSVP are a huge pet peeve of mine, really... how hard is it to call and say "thanks but no thanks" for what ever reason.
I didn't do it - I couldn't. Actually, I probably could have but I didn't. I dropped the ball and I wasn't the friend that I should have been. She has lots and lots of friends and family so it's not like I ruined her shower, I'm sure of this. She actually visited Jim at work today and didn't even mention anything about seeing me at the shower. But it bugs me.

That certainly ended up going a different direction than I had planned but hey, that's kind of par for the course lately isn't it!?! I'm hoping to get a good bunch of sleep tonight and to greet tomorrow a little more bright eyed and bushy tailed and hopefully with a higher temp. Yah, it has the capability to consume so many of my thoughts.

A Thought...

One of my friends sent the following "thought" to me in an e-mail this morning. I love it...

'To get something you never had, you have to do something you never did' When God takes something from your grasp, He's not punishing you,but merely opening your hands to receive something better. Concentrate on this sentence..... 'The will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you.'

I'm still having those days where I'm bugged by the fact that I would be hugely pregnant and just counting down the mere days until we would be joined by our baby boy. I'm hoping that, come the end of the month, I'll be able to allow my self to just let go because that's not my reality. Instead, today I put away the samples of infant formula that I received in the mail and ordered the butterfly larvae (I might be a bit late on that one, to have them ready the first week in August, but that's ok and it'll be close.) This morning the kids and I went outside for them to play in the pool while I enjoyed my cup of coffee. I sat there next to Eli's garden and kept looking back and forth between the garden, which is thriving and the two kids I have here on Earth, who are also thriving. I kept looking at them thinking about how they would be, at this very age, with a new baby. They would have really enjoyed it. I, however, need to remember that there must be a bigger reason for why things have gone down this way, why I've been pregnant six times and only get to hear the laughter from two children. I am very grateful for those two.

I'm not questioning why, but I sure am curious. I think that's a very important distinction to understand. I'm not running the "poor me and all my dead babies" line of thought. I really am just curious why I was chosen. I know there are others who have fared far worse losses than I have and I know that mine don't make me "special". I just have a huge desire to be able to understand the larger picture...

Happy Anniversary!

Matthew 19:4-6
" 'Haven't you read', He said, 'That at the beginning the Creator made them male and female and said, 'For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united with his wife, and the two will become one flesh.' So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let not man separate.' "

Nine years ago, Jim and I stood side by side in front of God, our families and our friends and recited our vows. We ran headlong into life together and haven't looked back. It was a beautiful, hot, dry summer day in Montana and even though we've weathered some big storms our days together have remained beautiful. It's funny to me now to look back and think about all of the planning for the wedding that we did. It was one fun party that reached into the wee hours of the next day but my true joy doesn't come from our wedding, it comes from our marriage.

We celebrated our marriage, low key style today with the kids. We took them to their first movie at the theatre... Wall-E. It was a great way to spend our anniversary since Wall-E is a love story with a sprinkling of "take care of the earth and yourself". They were SO good! We will certainly take them again. We then went to lunch at the local "grill", did a little shopping and headed home to play in the sun. Dessert was red velvet cake with a cream cheese frosting - yum! (I can hear it calling my name from the fridge...)

It feels like Jim has always been a part of my life yet, at the same time, there are so many things that I remember, even from the days that we were dating, like they were yesterday. I hope it's still this way in 50 years!

Wordless Wednesday...

Anything?...

After 140 posts, I think maybe, just maybe, I have come to a point where I'm still thinking things but getting them down on paper, er, the screen is a bit tough lately. Maybe I should have taken more pictures today to share here instead!

Oh, first update... my dad is still in the hospital. They are working on getting his sodium levels raised. That seems to be what started the latest chain of events, which led to a second seizure last night and my mom carting him off to the ER. He'll probably be there for a few days getting supplements to improve those levels and figure out why they are so low to begin with.

second update, which isn't really an update but more of a thought... which I shouldn't really have entertained since it wouldn't change anything but I do have a theory as to what caused Eli's heart to stop beating. Last October I had a small growth removed from my scalp. SIMPLE procedure in the Dr.'s office. Prior to the incision, the doctor decided that I should have a tetanus shot... but not just your regular run of the mill tetanus shot... the new fancy TdaP - tetanus, diphtheria and pertussis. "Coincidentally" within a couple of days, I could barely move my arm and just felt sick all over. I had planned on taking the kids up to my parents house so that we could go to the Halloween Carnival where my mom teaches. I remember getting out of the car at their house and telling my dad "I feel like my entire body has been poisoned". I took some Advil and felt better for the carnival. I was woken up that night from itching. I had a hard time waking up but thought, "gosh, there must be something in the sheets, the cat must have brought a flea in..." as I woke more I realized that I was covered in hives. I spent the rest of the weekend in the recliner in the family room just about topped out on Benadryl. The meds didn't make them go away but it did provide some relief. I started doing some research on my own and with my non-vax'ing mom friends and found that I was probably having a reaction to the pertussis component of the vaccine. It was too late at that point - the "poison" was already in my system. For weeks off and on I had hives, I was never able to figure out what was initiating them. Eggs, Coke, and my prenatal vitamin seemed to set them off. Benadryl is a "safe" med to take during pregnancy so that's not my concern or thought. I really think that since I conceived just 2 weeks after the vaccination that that probably caused the problem. I think it's very likely that my body kept attacking this "foreign thing" that Eli just couldn't fight anymore. I don't have proof and I never will. I don't need it. I know there's nothing that I could do or could have done to prevent it - other than birth control but it all makes sense. While I was researching the side-effects of this vaccine (sadly after the fact) there were quite a few notations of miscarriage and stillbirth but since this is a vaccine that many younger adults (those entering college) receive, there was also a fair amount of notation as to a lack of prenatal care. I don't know. At times it seems like a stretch to tie the two together but at the same time, in hindsight, it makes a lot of sense.

Thanks for reading through my whole stream of consciousness there if you were able to. I don't question why things turned out the way they did but my heart is leaning towards this as being a very reasonable explanation.