In My Ear...

Well, today I realized that having a list, for anything, makes me feel like I'm in control. I like being in control. I like making lists. I got a few more things scratched off a two page list of things that I would like to get done in the next month. I also added some things to that list.

I guess that control from the list making was a good thing. It lead me to put a second coat of paint on our front steps, which lead me to realize that they really should be replaced in the next year or so. I decided to call my parents and just put a bug in their ear about them discussing it. My dad answered the phone since mom had been outside weeding. He let mom know I was on the phone and within 10 minutes, she quickly told me that she had to go because she had just heard my dad fall. He's had the flu so I figured that he probably had another seizure since he'd been throwing up his anti-seizure meds. It turns out, that's what it was. She was able to get to him and let him "ride out" the seizure. It just made me think again about how God is always in control. I stopped from picking up the phone twice before but I had that nagging feeling that I should just go ahead and call. I figured fine, I'll call even though telling them about the steps isn't a big deal. Turns out it WAS a big deal because it's very likely that mom would have still been outside working in the yard and wouldn't have been inside to hear dad fall. That's not a for sure thing, but it's a possibility.

At a Loss...

Wow. I am just totally at a loss... I don't know what I'm feeling. I'm not upset, I'm not thrilled. I just "am" and I'm ok with that. I had a slightly productive day and got the front and back steps scraped and repainted along with the trim around the doors. So, YAY me!

Truthfully things are ok but I am finding that I'm holding back a bit from the looking ahead towards things - probably from fear of letting myself down again but right now I'm at a list making phase. Lists help me feel in control another part of that is due to the fact that we are going to have house guests in a month -house guests who probably won't notice many of the things that we have done but will certainly comment on things that should or could be done. The other thing that bugs me is the "firsts". They're uncomfortable. I hate that first visit after a loss... the "you had a 'miscarriage', get over it" thing that is unspoken. Anyway, that's just my hangup. And hey, it'll be done and over with then right?!

And why is it that we care what other people think of us? I mean really. What someone else thinks truly should have zero impact on what I do and how I do it. But I still wonder. I wonder what people are thinking, what they are holding back from saying. I'm sure it's just insecurity but why? Humm, I guess maybe that's something that I can wok through.

Soggy...

It's a soggy night here - pouring rain, high humidity and perhaps the let-down of the holiday yesterday. I'm tired, mentally and physically. My parents were here for a few days and many times when they're here now, we work our fingers to the bone because it's much more pleasant to be working with someone else and an extra set of eyes on the kiddos is super helpful. This comes in handy especially when it's larger projects including pick-axes and chainsaws.... in cherry trees... that are really close to power lines... all is well though! Yesterday the weather was perfect for working outside so, much to the dismay of K, who thought we needed to start "the party" at 9 am, we got quite a bit of work done around the yard. We did end up having a nice 4th with a few fireworks... very few "fire" works since I'm completely neurotic about worrying about the fields. The kids did enjoy party poppers, pop-its, smoke balls and snakes so it was all good!

The essential, "please look at mommy!"

Helping to move the "heaby" cherry branch... (the tree needed to be trimmed anyway so grandpa was a smarty and decided that now, while there's fruit on it, would be a good time to do it - yum!)

The aftermath of a run in with a "snake" and an itch that had to be scratched...

The proof that we were both here... looking a little worn out from the work...

The "grand finale" - a $3.25 ladybug that K picked out...

Anyway, it was a nice, laid back holiday when it was all said and done. But now, now I'm at the low end of the swing again. I had to make a VERY conscious effort not to dwell on the "what could have beens" of this year. I had imagined a very hot and sweaty 4th, full of sitting around and making the final baby plans. I had then imagined, and was thankful for the fact that at least I would be newly pregnant, was looking forward to my first appointment a day earlier and the thought that "at least I won't have to go through this holiday 'empty' too"... well, I ended up trying to brush all of those thoughts aside, keep myself busy and be thankful for everything that was in front of me. For the most part, it worked. It's mentally exhausting but a very normal part of this process. At least I hope it is.

Tomorrow will be a new day, the weather should turn for the better again and it should be a nice family day!

4th of July!

I hope you had a happy and safe 4th of July! I was going to share some photos from today but as we wandered out late this evening, we noticed the cutest little short dog that was terrified of the fireworks. So, we're out keeping her company for a while!

Thankful Thursday...

I don't have a lot of words for today so I'm going to share some photos of a few things for which I am thankful...

Have a safe and Happy 4th of July!

Less Word Wednesday...

I have loved watching the evolution of Eli's Garden this summer. It just doesn't seem that the photos that I have taken do it justice. So, you'll have to trust me when I say, as you sit in the yard, you can clearly see the yellow and white of the daisies, the deep purple of the salvia, the pure purple of the lavender, the soft pink of the Sweet William along with the punctuation of bright magenta from another vintage flower that we've always overlooked . I love how there are flowers that we purchased, that were given to me from the garden of one of my best friends, flowers that were plucked from various places on the property and flowers that were already in this location and referred to as "weeds" just last year. The garden is getting ready to go through another growth spurt as the butterfly bush and the "nursery" daisies are preparing to bloom along with the heliotrope. I'm really excited to see what his garden looks like in several weeks.

Peace...

And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast.

1 Peter 5:10

Then your light shall break forth like the dawn, and your healing will quickly appear...

Isaiah 58:8

I don't know if it's because it is a new month... if it's because I'm healing... if it's because at least now I can move forward... but I'm feeling at peace with things today and actually, a little bit excited.

I have wondered for a while now, how I would feel when I turned the calender to July - the month that we were anticipating Eli's arrival. Sure he was officially due in August but we were looking towards July. We envisioned a live baby, kicking and screaming on a hot summer day and had even discussed coming home outfits for the heat and how the parking garage attached to the new hospital would provide much needed shade. Turns out, he arrived silently, on a dark February morning which turned into a beautiful, sunny clear February day... so different from what I was feeling.

I am allowing myself to move forward from both the loss of Eli and the newest loss. I was being cautiously optimistic this time around but it felt much like my first two losses... a later loss and then an early loss. I wouldn't ever minimize someone elses losses but, personally, my losses up to the 8 to 10 week mark are much different than those that fall past that first trimester mark... that time when everything is supposed to be OK. I will never look at ANY time in a pregnancy as being OK again. What will be, will be - and I will have to deal with what ever comes my way.

But today, today I will be a mom and wife, who needs to do some straightening of the house, mainly mopping while the kids are napping in hopes of avoiding wet foot prints on the floor and slippery crash and burns. I will look towards the future without fear and I will enjoy each of the gifts that I have been given both to enjoy here and the surprises that await me in Heaven.