More Decisions...

This cozy smile brought to you because Mommy was able to make a decision...

I don't know why it seems like I'm able to finally make decisions again but it's wonderful! In preparation for the arrival of "the new baby", we had moved everyone around upstairs. There are three bedrooms and one bathroom up there. So, we had moved K and R into the larger bedroom, us into the medium sized room, which really has the same usable floor space as the smaller room, and we used the smaller room for a catchall of baby items and things that would need to be rearranged as the room went through it's metamorphosis back into a nursery. The kids happily became roommates when I was in my 13th week. We didn't want all of the transitions to occur at once for them and we wanted to see how it would go in case we needed to go to a plan B. We could have made it "easy" and just moved to the largest bedroom which is on the main floor but we like to be on the same level as the kids, at least while they are young. Getting to my point... we moved everyone back to their own rooms again. It's nice to have the space back for us and K loves being back in her pink room. R is having a slightly more difficult time but I think that's because he's gotten used to K talking him to sleep. She was telling me that he was used to her standing and talking until he fell asleep, so that was probably it but all is quiet now.

I'm sure I was holding off on moving everything back to the way it was "before" because it would be totally admitting the loss. Admitting that things weren't going to happen as we had planned and admitting that we wouldn't be needing a nursery anymore. Lying in bed last night, I realized that very "best" (for lack of a better term) case scenario, we wouldn't actually be using a nursery for a year now. I couldn't justify us all living in limbo, for who knows how long, because of that. So, there you have it. I have admitted the "defeat" and everyone is actually quite happy to have their personal space back. I'm happy that the rooms, albeit small, are being used to their full potential once again. It's also nice to not feel like I'm still living in all the "could have beens". Plus, it gives me a sense of control, once again, when I know there are so many parts of my life that I can't control. I've decided that I'm more than ok with that though... the lack of control thing. I would much rather my "pilot" know my destination, the weather, the condition of the plane and all things I haven't even considered than to be flying blind.

Decisions...

So, earlier this evening I made a fairly big decision. I closed up my on-line business! What a relief. I wanted to do it right after we lost Eli but I didn't. I have always heard that you aren't supposed to make big purchases, life decisions, or business decisions in the midst of grief or trauma. I'm sure that's true and that's why I waited until tonight. I had ample time to think about whether it was something that I really wanted to do and after much discussion and inner thought, my answer was "yes". I still fully intend to design for my customers who choose to give me repeat business but I haven't been into "growing" my business for a while. I enjoy the sprinkling of designing that I have done and will continue to do. That's all I needed. It feels so good to have one less thing to worry about and to be able to know that I can focus on my family, 100%!

Speaking of family, little R actually let me snap a few photos of him without having to make silly faces. I thought I'd share one of my favorites:

The weather today was perfect again! We so deserve this after the long, cold, wet winter that hung on right through spring... except for those couple of 90 degree days that we had while I was sick. as. a. dog! It was very much a lay low, hang out kind of day. It was pretty humid so there was sitting and coloring, and then yard work (old fashioned weed eating, with two hands and this old tool that looks much like a golf club. I figured burning the extra calories certainly couldn't harm me and I wouldn't be fighting with tangled up string. Aside from the one back swing when I nearly launched it into the canyon, due to tired hands, it worked really well!), and then some more sitting while driving race cars on the table outside. I really enjoy the days where we just "are". We're not worrying about getting anything in particular done, about deadlines or bottom lines. I've learned how important it is to appreciate everything for what it is - nothing more, nothing less. Just perfect!

4 Months...

It's been 4 months now since we said "goodbye" to our baby boy. It's very strange. It's been a roller coaster and it's been emotional. I've also had days where I've been completely devoid of any emotion it seemed. Yup, weird indeed. I didn't look forward to this day with dread. Actually, I didn't think much about it and that makes me really relieved. I've really been trying to let go a bit and let Eli be a happy memory and not dwell on the drama of his death. Drama that I created myself which was undoubtedly compounded my hormones. Many people probably don't think about it - why would they? The hormone crash from delivering a baby that isn't alive is very different than the hormone crash when your baby is alive. One, there's no endorphin release that naturally occurs with basic things like breastfeeding so it was pretty intense. Some people probably think I'm crazy for wanting to move on but there are others in the same position. In my opinion, it's all about choice. I've said it before and I will say it again... I can choose to be better or bitter and I really, really aspire to be better. What a double tragedy if I were to stay bitter about this for forever.

I was sitting in my yard swing this morning, drinking a cup of coffee, looking over the lower field and soaking up the morning sun. I was wondering how different that field is going to look in just a few short years and even though I sometimes have difficulty with change, I think it'll be really good. I hope it will be. I guess I have spoken quite a bit about this place and it may seem kind of strange to those who aren't aware of our situation. I'll go over the short version. My children are the 5th generation, on my mom's side, to live in this house and on this property. We have been here for almost 8 years caring for the house and the property, to a lesser extent. My grandfather passed away the summer before I started 6th grade. Grandma passed away 2 years ago. We, as an extended family, have been waiting on the county to see if (collective) we would be able to keep the property in the family - my parents and uncle and aunt - and use it for timber lands. We received official word today that "yes" we can so the fields are naturally going to reforest. THAT will be a huge change but exciting! So, that's the short version, hopefully with enough details removed to keep everyone happy.

One of my girlfriends, who is also dealing with some "stuff" as I guess most all of us are since we're "grown-ups", shared her realization (well, this was what I heard her say...) that we can't label things as "bad" or "good". God creates everything perfectly. He knows all our days. My earlier losses gave me the opportunity to have K and R. Had my grandmother not had a stillborn son, my mother may never have "been" and you know where that would leave me. From simple things like being able to take a vacation to bigger things like vehicles or houses to the biggest things like existing... every "bad" thing and every "good" thing impacts our lives in a perfect way. We view them as "bad" or "good" because of our limited knowledge of the present and zero knowledge of the future. So, on a big day for me, it was nice to have reaffirmation of some of the thoughts with which I've been wrestling.

Yes, I'm a late night blogger. :-) I used to write during nap time but I have found that I sleep better getting my, often scattered, thoughts down in black and white before tucking myself into bed. I've also found that finally, after 4 months, I'm finally able to fall asleep with the tv off. That may seem like a little thing... falling asleep without distraction... but for me, that's a pretty big step. I'm ok being with my thoughts, even if they don't make much sense at the time. I feel like I've lost my train of thought now... the downfall to being a late blogger!

I hope you all had a great first day of Summer!

Thankful Thursday...

I think the Thankful Thursdays help me focus on the important things so I'm going with another one today.

I'm thankful that our meeting that I mentioned earlier in the week, went great! It appears that everything is going to go smoothly with getting this place moving forward as a timber farm so that is a big stress relief.

I'm thankful that I finally seem to just about have my energy level back up to par.

I'm thankful that R is progressing rapidly in the "big boy" department (though of course that does come with mixed emotions).

I'm thankful that K has a love for nature and the environment around here.

I'm thankful that they are both loving and funny little people.

I'm thankful that I get to be responsible for them.

I'm thankful that I have managed to stay totally out of the dumps this week even in the midst of a few opportunities to get worked up.

I'm thankful for summer on the horizon...

I'm thankful for my beautiful, emotional daughter...

I'm thankful for my hilarious, sensitive son...

I'm thankful for my supportive husband...

... who also lets me know when it's way past my bedtime and begs me to log off! I hope you have a lovely first day of summer tomorrow!

Less Word Wednesday...

Our Junior Environmentalist with a "baby tree"...

A Better Day...

Tonight's entry will be quite short. It's been a long, but good day. My parents are in town, the sun was trying to shine... at this point I'm just happy to have it not raining! Thankfully the days are a bit easier again and I'm hoping to keep it that way for a while. It was just one of those "normal" days, grocery shopping, naps, mowing the lawn (ok, half, I had Jim mow the other half), messing around with the dog and testing out a new recipe on the family. Rumor has it, it was very good... super simple and quite inexpensive too. Bonus! At any rate, that's the boring replay of our day and I'm glad to have a boring post for the day. It's actually nice to just feel more normal again. Very nice.

I'm hoping to get a few good pics of the kids tomorrow but we'll see... until then, I thought I'd share this totally unrelated to anything picture of a dragonfly outside the barn from the other day!

Father's Day Fun...

I think yesterday turned out pretty well. We hung around at home and just took it easy. We thought it was a very simple day. The kids, however, thought it was great! In their eyes we had a great golf day and a wonderful pool party. The sun was shining so we took full advantage of it. It's feeling like one of those summers where you have to, or you end up kicking yourself.



Luckily, I can feel the rip tide loosening it's grip so I'm comfortable in saying that, as a whole, this should be a better week... no, it WILL be a better week. I'm back to that "flat" place, where I don't have a whole bunch of emotion on either side of things and that actually feels good. That doesn't give me a whole lot to write about though! So, I'll share a few quick photos from yesterday and call it a night!

Rylan watching the "pro", in his eyes, and taking it all in!

Karleigh got sidetracked since she couldn't hit it as far as the trees in her first few shots so she went back to picking flowers off of the snowball bush...
Daddy picked her a daisy and note her swollen left eye-lid... she got a fly bite a day and a half earlier, up near her hair line, and as the swelling went down around the bite, it drained around her upper lid. She looked like a prize fighter but is all better today!
We finished up our day with a "pool party", you will note that no one is actually IN the pool but they were all still having a ton of fun!

My kids are super lucky to have such a fun daddy who lets them eat cake for breakfast, play with his good golf clubs, humors them by letting them win board games and gets up with them if they cry in the middle of the night among a ton of other things!