Whaaaa?...

Guess what?

I have NO idea what to write tonight.

Not one single clue... so I'm going to go out on a limb and say that I bet it will be VERY random and less than inspirational.

• Let's see, our big thing tomorrow is that K and I are going to go check out the proposed pre-school. There are a few in the area but this one seems good from the outside, so we're going to check out the inside tomorrow morning. This kid is growing up way too fast!



• I was reading the newest issue of Fitness magazine... ironically while drinking a banana milkshake tonight, and there were what? about 5 women lined up, mostly in their 30's and one was 28 as I recall. I looked at them and thought "WHOA, do I really look that old to everyone else?" Clearly, yes, according to the girls on MAX the other night. Not that it matters but I guess I don't look to me like someone who can say "why yes young man, I'm in my 30's..." humm... I wonder if I plastered a picture up where no one knew my age, what the guess would be. Have you ever seen the program 10 Years Younger? Yah, made me think of that. Anywhoo... what do you think? Maybe I just have a really distorted sense of perception...

• OH! While we were outside the other day we spotted a hurken snake in the flower garden that's right up against the wood shed. Now, where we live, we don't really have very many harmful snakes but this dude was pretty big. The kids loved it though... weirdos. Yah, K loved watching the snake but earlier in the day she went in the wood shed to grab some "organic material" (old cow poo) and came bolting back out, screeching and crying huge tears and slightly hyperventilating. She saw a mouse. A *quote* "big scary mouse, but it really wasn't that big just more scary and not really scary but it really startled me but I screamed so I probably scared it too..." All said through blubbering tears and screaming and then laughing because half way through her story she realized that it was just a mouse and that it was running away from her. However, she was quite glad to learn that the snake, later in the day, eats mice.


• I have told you how protective she is of Eli's Garden... well we HAD one little rabbit that was causing most of the damage. That won't be a problem anymore. We had a very determined fuzzy cat who took care of that "issue". When K overheard what had happened. She barely looked up from her corn on the cob and said "Well, good! but YUCK!" Come on! I was actually expecting her to be upset, but like I said, she loves that garden. In fact, that other night she woke up crying talking about how she was worried about what was going to get into the garden and eat the plants while we slept. So, here she is protecting the garden:
  


• R has had some more potty success. He managed to stay dry during our whole outing on Saturday and asked when he needed to use the bathroom and at the park yesterday he used the bathroom and he woke up dry from his nap today and used the potty most of the day too... I haven't had a gross pull-up in a few days now! Woohoo! (that was a terribly long sentence there!) He's getting to be a big boy too!

Yah, that's it! That's all I've got for tonight so I'm off to bed in a bit so I can get up ready to take on a whole new adventure with the pre-school thing. Reality is, it'll probably take less than 30 minutes but still... this is a big thing for both of us!

Project Impact...

"A life is not important except in the impact it has on other lives..."
~Jackie Robinson

As I was putting the ticket stubs and MAX tickets away in our keepsake box, I flipped over this little post card that a PGE Park employee handed us as we left the game the other night. I really like the quote and thought it was worth sharing.

The quote made me think about how true it is on so many different levels. There are the obvious ones but I got to thinking about how it pertains to being a mother. Sure, as a mom I have an undeniable impact on my children's lives, that's a given. It is fair though to remind myself that I also control what kind of impact it is. I give them memories every day, are they the type of memories that I want to be giving them? Am I teaching them life lessons in a fun way? Or am I too uptight and wrapped up in myself and my "concerns" to let go a bit and have fun? I'd like to think not on the last issue.

I have been making a conscious effort to get back to being the fun mom that I used to be "before". I know that the tone of this blog is going to shift a bit as the up days become more frequent and the down days grow fewer and further between. That doesn't mean for one second that I'm better, that I'm over it, that I've healed... I probably never will. From experience, lucky me, I do know that the days will get easier and that's totally ok, actually, it's more than ok. It's GREAT! However, I am prepared for those days when I slip back into the grumps, the pity party, the poor me attitude. But in reality, there's not a lot for me to say "poor me" about. If I'm sad about losing my son, that's pure selfishness. He's in a better, perfect place and I will get to meet him the right way some day.

I have been working on scheduling a few more things in our lives. Gas prices are going to eat us alive since we live so far out of town but the kids, and me too for that matter, deserve to get out. We have spent way too much time at home since those fateful days in February. Today we headed to the park in town with some friends. We played a bit, had a picnic lunch and then played some more. We realized how cliche' it seemed to be having a play date at a park but I'm thinking cliche or not, the kids all loved it. The day started out pretty cloudy but by the middle of our park visit it was sunny and arguably almost hot. The weather was perfect and R has pink cheeks tonight to prove it! They all played on the play ground and then we changed our clothes and played on the spray ground. By the time I had started dinner, it was raining outside. I'm thrilled that we grabbed our window of opportunity and enjoyed today for what it was.

It was such a simple outing but the kids loved it. I need to make sure that every day, every moment has a positive impact on the lives around me. Here are a few photos from today...

Family Date Night...

So, I know yesterday's post was VERY short and here's why! Jim decided that it was time for a "family date". He got us tickets to go to the Portland Beavers game last night and we had a blast... but it gets even better.

I decided yesterday morning that I should probably check and see what the weather report was supposed to be since while I was checking it, our house was surrounded by soupy fog. I logged on to one of the local TV station's sites and sweet, they forecast a high of 70 - not bad. And then I saw it. The big 'ol banner ad for the Rose Festival Starlight Parade... The game was at 7pm, the parade started at 8:30 and it was to disband just a few blocks from the ball park. Great. Luckily, we had already planned on parking on the outskirts and riding MAX (the light rail train) into the city so we didn't have to deal with parking and traffic and mostly because the kids LOVE every time we see MAX while we're out and about. BEST. PLAN. EVER! (pretty much) So, we revised the plan a little bit and instead of parking where plan A would have had us park, we made a plan B and parked closer to the airport. We got all situated and walked up to the ticket kiosk and someone mentioned that it was out of order. Not a huge deal, you don't NEED a ticket to get on the train but if you don't have a valid $2.05 ticket, the fine is around $250! So, we all board the train anyway and ride to the next stop, get off, walk OVER the freeway... there's a foot bridge, we did not have to dodge traffic... buy the whopping $4.10 worth of tickets since the kids are free, walk back over the foot bridge and wait for the next train. No biggie but it did put us about 20 minutes behind schedule.

The kids loved MAX just about as much as we thought they would, maybe a little more. They sat quietly, looking out the window except for every so often we're hear R say, "chooooo chooooo!" As we pulled in closer to Portland K was blown away by the "beautiful birds..." - pigeons and the "pretty paintings..." - graffiti. I think we might need to get the kids out a little more often! They started to get a little impatient, and I'll admit that they weren't the only ones. The MAX trains were having a tough time staying on schedule and moving quickly from stop to stop as there were so many passengers trying to get on with their strollers and coolers and lawn chairs and huge families who were all going to the parade and hopefully not the game since it was free jersey night for the first 1,500 kids!

We finally arrived at PGE park about 15 minutes before the game and the kids got their shirts! Woohoo! We picked our seats and the kids were in heaven. They loved every minute of the players, the music, Lucky the Beaver, the cheering. From where we were sitting, they could also watch MAX run right past the outfield wall, the school buses finding the parking spots (to pick up their students after the parade) and the Portland Police cars with their lights on for traffic control. Did I mention how glad I am that we didn't drive downtown? Shortly after the game started the "requests" for peanuts and dinner and cotton candy started. No problem - we had planned for that too.

Jim went to get the food and so to keep the kids entertained, cause you know, it's not like there was a GAME to entertain them... we took a few snapshots. $28 later, Jim returned with 4 hot dogs, 3 sodas and a bag of roasted peanuts. The cotton candy came later and *gasp* the kids didn't even like it! By the middle of the 7th inning the Beavers were up 5 to nothing and we had pretty much exceeded the kids' ability to sit still without whining and fussing. K had been watching the big clock on the score board and started getting pretty worked up when she realized that it was well after 8:30 and she knew that the parade started at that time and she soooo wanted to see the parade. So, we packed up our little bag and headed out.

We walked a few blocks and I kid you not, just as we walked to the end of the block near the disbanding area, the very first parade entry was coming down the road! The kids got big shiny Portland Fire & Rescue stickers and one of the firefighters commented on R and his Montana Grizzlies sweatshirt which K thought was super cool, mommy thought so too! We stood and watched the parade until the kids started asking about riding the train back to the car. They were pretty tired but so good! They had lots of fresh air, walking and by this time it was about 10:30. So, no arguments from us, we headed off to the nearest MAX stop and found that the ticket kiosk was out of order. No biggie, each of the stops is only about 2 blocks apart so we walked down to the next one, all the while we can see and hear the parade twisting and turning through town and the weather wasn't bad at all, so really not a big deal. We got to the next kiosk and this one was happy to take our money... and spit it right back out over and over again! On to the next stop... kiosk out of order! The NEXT spot to get a ticket was Pioneer Courthouse Square where they have three kiosks on that side of the route. ALL out of order but at the last one there were two nice Tri-Met workers who we could finally give our money to and start our trip home, legally. The kids both fell asleep on the crowded train where we had to listen to a group of 5 freshmen girls talk about how they were "halfway to old"... old being 30 obviously. *sigh* Seriously? I would much rather be "old" than 15 again so haha on them!

We poured the kids into their car seats and headed home. When we asked them what their favorite part was... you guessed it, their free ride on MAX and the free parade. Note to self... I now know from this week that you don't need to be pretty OR rich to have fun! It was so nice to go on a family date and enjoy the area that we do love so much!

A Close Call...

Phew, almost missed a post... we were lovin' on Portland tonight and JUST got in! I'll share the details tomorrow! Nighty, Night!

Funny Friday Fotos...

Hebrews 11:1

Faith is being sure of what we hope for.

So one of my God-sent friends emailed this to me this evening. Perfect! I love how she just comes across something and sends it on. She doesn't have to say anything else, just passes along a thought and sometimes that can say more than pages and pages. That scripture made me sigh one of those good cleansing sighs, the "okay God, you're right" sighs. I had a really good day today with the kids. We played outside, planted two kinds of sunflowers, radishes, peas and corn. Karleigh tended to her wildflower garden by picking out the grass clippings from when Jim mowed the lawn last night and she watered it. Rylan loved the 'stick hunt' that we went on to make the pea posts. It was just a really great day. I made time for each of them one on one and I had that passing thought of "what am I doing? I have it so great right now..." but it still really feels like there's something missing. I have faith that I'll get to do this all one more time. I do.

Even after we came in from playing outside there were cuddles and stories and hanging out. K was working very intently on a coloring a big Cinderella picture (which looks beautiful by the way) and R wanted some more lap time so here's what two goofballs can do with 5 minutes or so. Oh, and we were sitting in the office on the desk chair so there was lots of spinning around too... that spin until you almost throw up thing isn't nearly as fun as it used to be! Sorry about the no makeup, disheveled look but hey, we were outside all day and you don't have to be pretty to have fun thank goodness!

I hope you had a wonderful Friday and have a lovely weekend!

What is Wrong with Me?

I'm kind of serious about that question. I have been so --- I don't know...

Checked out isn't the right term because I feel like I'm more present.
Tuned out isn't really right either because I'm paying more attention to the things around me.
Scattered could be the right term, but then again I'm accomplishing more than I have in quite a few months now.
Unemotional isn't right either because I can still get teary at the silliest things and I still get mad, annoyed and frustrated.
Disconnected... maybe disconnected is the right word but still it's not quite right.

Maybe there isn't a word for it this strange grief limbo land. I kind of feel like that little kid in The Incredibles when he's hanging out in the driveway, staring at Mr. Incredible and Mr. Incredible says "Well... what are you waiting for?" and the little boy says "I don't know. Something amazing!" Me too.
I just kind of feel like I'm waiting. Waiting to feel better? Waiting to feel worse? More? Less? Different? I don't know. I kind of feel like there should be some sort of circle that needs to be completed when dealing with this grief and not only does it feel incomplete, it feels like I'm not really even gaining any ground.

I find my mind drifting off to the "could have been's" still and that's ok though because I don't get totally sad or worked up or slammed into a depression about it. It just kind of triggers an "oh yah... that's not happening is it?" response and I move on. Of course now that we are thinking about the future again I also find myself trying to day dream about the possibilities for our family but when I do that, sometimes my moments of excitement are interrupted with feelings of guilt. Ack. Not fair. I want to be able to think about the future without total terror that it won't happen or that it will happen and then it'll be taken away from me again. *if you could see me right now, you'd see that I'm pouting a little bit* Don't worry, I'm not mad at God. I'm mad at myself for expecting something from a situation that cannot have any expectations.

I know I haven't written much lately but it's because of the above thoughts and the fact that I can't really nail any one significant thing down. I have read recently about mom's who just "know" that something is going to go wrong with their pregnancy. I kind of felt this way with Eli too. It's very difficult to explain but everything that I thought, everything that I did had the disclaimer of "if this really happens" or "if this works out". I think the few people that were kept in the loop about my purchases know exactly what I'm talking about. The infant insert that I purchased to use with the Ergo carrier was purchased off of Craigslist because "I want something gender neutral and plus, I'm not paying full price when I don't even know the future for sure." The excellent new Silver Cross stroller that I got for a steal... "and it's heavy duty enough that if things don't work out, Rylan can always use it or I can resell it on Craigslist". The diaper bag... "it's a mom accessory and plus, I can always use it for a gift for someone else if it ends up that way." Seriously, I justified every purchase with why it would be ok, even if the baby didn't "happen". I spent hours upon hours trying to really visualize what it would be like to have K & R at their respective ages with a newborn and it never really happened. I had the PLAN down but the emotion that usually goes with a plan that you believe in, wasn't there. It is strange. Oddly enough, when I couldn't find his heart beat that Sunday, it wasn't "no! no! no!" it was more like silent tears and "I knew it... figures." Sure I prayed my heart out for me to be wrong but I knew. It's strange but there's my confession. I think it was God's way of protecting my heart a bit. That doesn't mean that it didn't hurt and doesn't still hurt to this day. What it means is that He knew how much I could take and thankfully, he blessed me by putting a buffer on my heart.

I don't know how long I'm going to be hanging out here in "Limbo Land" but I guess I'll take the time to get some much needed sleep since I'm not super emotionally charged in one direction or another. I'll take the time to accomplish as many tasks around the house as possible (or that I feel like 'cause honey, that basement is your domain!) I'll take the time to just "be" with my kids. I'll try to enjoy every day even if it's full of fog and heavy mist. I will find something good from this but I guess this is just one of those really boring legs of the journey.

Until tomorrow...

My 100th Post is on a Wordless Wednesday...