... and I'm strangely happy about that. I kind of feel like I'm coasting along in limbo-land. Those of you who have dealt with this grief thing probably know the place that I'm talking about. Those of you who have had the unfortunate experience of losing a pregnancy probably understand it even a little more. I'm in that strange place where I can't get myself worked up and excited about much and I'm also not down in the dumps. It's that emotional temperature where you've been hanging out in your nice hot bathtub for just long enough that you can't quite tell where your skin stops and the water starts.
I'm sure that part of it is that I've passed
that point... the point where I have now been without Eli longer than I knew I was pregnant with him and I'm currently in that period of time that he was forming into the little guy that he would become we just didn't know it yet. By mid-June I will be longer without him on every count than I was with him. Every day, even without doing anything, I move further and further away from remembering what it was like to anticipate having three children. All the while, I'm also trying to stay positive without getting too excited and hopeful for the chance to try again. It's a weird place right now.
Things that should be throwing me off track aren't. Just the other day Jim walked in with the mail and there was a little package from Graco. It was a cute little swaddling blanket that was sent as part of a promotion for one of their new products. I opened it and looked at it and folded it back up and put it in the closet along with the other brand new infant products that are just waiting, hopefully not gathering too much dust because I was really picky about the few things that I did pick up. It didn't send me into tears, sure I was a little disappointed that I wouldn't get to use it in a couple months but it's waiting for the right little person - mine or someone else's. While I was in the closet I took a peek at the manufacture date on the car seat that is up there. I know how long my kids have used the Roundabout so we're still good there... but the clock is ticking as to whether we get to use it again or if it goes up for sale on Craigslist before Christmas. It is what it is though. I can't fight it, there's really no point.
I can look forward to the future but I try not to do too much of that and just really try to enjoy the here and now because I don't know what the future holds. I do know what my "now" holds though. My now holds two crazy kids who love each other 'to the moon and back'. My now holds adding bits and pieces to Eli's garden when the mood strikes me... two sword ferns today. My now holds enjoying reading with the kids for hours on end because they will still cuddle with me and hang on every last word. My now holds eating Doritos and drinking a Mt.Dew if I want to. My now holds working hard enough to be proud of what I've accomplished but not so hard that I wear myself thin so I have nothing else to give back. My now holds truly enjoying the now.
