Relaxation!

Today was a wonderful, relaxing day and the weather was beautiful as well - bonus! We still have snow in the shadows up here in the hills but down in the valley, Spring is in full bloom. The kids and I headed to my friend M's house. She declared that it was time to put an end to my "hermitism" and I all too willingly agreed. It was so great to do something that was totally normal for me and for the kids. They had clearly missed each other as K had a full blown melt down about not wanting to leave after 4 hours. I promised her that it would not be that long between visits next time --- she's four, I have no doubt that she will keep me totally accountable!

Thanks to the fresh air and freedom of back yard antics, the kids were WIPED. OUT! So, we came home, filled our tummies, relaxed for a bit and loaded them in to bed. I'm tired too but it's a good tired. It's so very different than the worn out and physical exhaustion and it's different from the mental drain that grief can weigh you down with. Dare I say, it's just "normal" being tired!? It was a great visit, there are just some people that "get it" even if they haven't been in the exact same position. M and I laughed and joked. We talked about some heavy stuff too. She spoke of Eli without stuttering or diverting her eyes from mine, though I'm sure I looked away at times but that's a bad habit I have. We walked through her yard and looked at her flowerbeds - that are planned - who knew you were supposed to "plan" them!?! She will be my right hand gal when it comes to helping me design our flower beds this year and was mindful to point out the plants that will attract hummingbirds and butterflies in addition to being pretty and, hopefully, deer resistant. Thanks M!

Today, I felt much like I did yesterday. Cleansed and peaceful. I started to get into it yesterday, but then deleted it - yesterday afternoon the OB's office called back. It was the same nurse who had called to tell me that we won't end up with a chromosomal analysis result. The poor thing, maybe she's new, maybe she felt the need to give me an answer as to why the samples didn't grow or maybe a bit of both. She was really trying her hardest, trying to help me understand but the thing is I think I understood more than she did. I just let her talk when I realized that she didn't really understand the process and couldn't pronounce chorionic villi. I'm at peace with the fact that we don't have that answer, there was no gain in making her feel even worse. So, I listened and told her thank you. She sounded so flustered. I expect a call from Dr.B next week when he's back in his office. Not that I NEED one, but she needed to know that she wasn't leaving me with the answers or lack there of. I told her that I understood and that everything was ok. I don't think she believed me. I guess my point is, if in the heat of the moment, I can say "it's ok"... it really must be.

I'm feeling like I'm back in the "game." I have friends who are currently pregnant, some are brand newly pregnant, some are heavily pregnant and I'm genuinely happy for each and every one of them. I still have moments of sadness and mostly disappointment for what I thought was to be. I have hope that some day the roles will be slightly reversed but I just can't begrudge any one of them their happiness and their miracle. I will live today for what it is and will do the same with tomorrow. The way I heard it today, M said "our past is just a story."

Matthew 6:33-34

"But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."

Spring Cleaning...

The sun is shining, the sky is a vibrant blue, there's a gentle breeze, just a beautiful peaceful day. It's Wednesday and still, I dove in to the first major step of my Spring cleaning... deep cleaning the carpets. We have nearly white carpet in the "hub" of our home. Smart. I usually keep up with the spots but due to that not being on the high end of my priority list over the last six weeks, there were quite a few grungy places. Too many for spot cleaning at this point so they got steam cleaned. It looks and feels so much better!

It's funny (not haha funny, but I can't think of the word I want right now) where God finds opportunity to get in my head. Part of the drone from the cleaner helped to clear my mind however, I still had my iPod on and blasting in my ears. Shock of shocks, ok not really... every single song spoke to my soul. I understand that is part of the beauty of music that there is so much that can be left open to interpretation however, with thousands of songs some of the most important ones popped up as did some that I had never heard but will always been on my play list now. I also realized that it might be time to update my play list here. Many of the songs now make me kind of sad. That's really neither here nor there but just a sneak peek into the way my mind works... kind of like a pin ball!

Of course I AM sad for what I don't have here but that's not my overwhelming emotion any more. I have excitement, energy and hope... thank God. I know much of it has to do with where I have been looking, where I allow my heart and my head to go. There's that saying "garbage in, garbage out." I know that if I was surrounding myself, reading, and immersing myself in bitter, angry thoughts that's what I would be living and reflecting. I cannot do that. I would much rather be living in peace and sun light. I've thrown open the windows of my heart and my soul feels cleansed!

Psalm 51:10-12
“Create in me a pure heart O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me. Do not cast me from Your presence or take Your Holy Spirit from me. Restore to me the joy of Your salvation and grant me a willing spirit to sustain me.”

It sure seems a lot easier for me to be happy and excited, which is rejuvenating, than to be angry and bitter which is just exhausting!

Acceptance...

God grant me the serenity

to accept the things I cannot change;

courage to change the things I can;

and wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time;

Enjoying one moment at a time;

Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;

Taking, as He did, this sinful world

as it is, not as I would have it;

Trusting that He will make all things right

if I surrender to His Will;

That I may be reasonably happy in this life

and supremely happy with Him

Forever in the next.

Amen.

~Reinhold Niebuhr (1892-1971)

This is, thankfully, where I'm at with things today. That tiny part of me keeps going back to the "Gee, I wish I knew what went wrong..." But I won't - and that's ok. What I find so great is that I can be ok with not knowing. Plus, knowing wouldn't fill my achy arms, it would probably just give me even more to query Dr. Google about and that's not a productive use of my time or talents.

It's all too often that I think we as humans try to answer those "who", "what", "when", "where" "why" and "how" questions for our worldly understanding. However, those questions are not important in eternity - it's only the answer that matters: God.

There is no way that I would trade the moments that we had with Eli to know for sure why he died, what caused it or how it could have been prevented. He decided when Eli would come in to our lives and He knew where we would be when He would take Eli home. God will watch over and keep me regardless of my knowledge about the matter.

I have said before, I made a conscious effort to enjoy every moment of my pregnancy. I have tried my best to remember every moment during and after delivery - even the haunting dreams, surgery prep and passing out - it was all part of the multi-dimensional experience. And I will embrace that forever.

Inconclusive...

That was the word that I most feared... inconclusive.

I finally mustered up the strength and courage to call my Dr.'s office and follow up on the genetic/chromosomal analysis that was done on Eli's body. They told us that they would have results in 4 weeks and since it's been almost 6, I decided to call... and wait over 3 long hours to have my call returned. Good right? Wrong. The tissue is forever listed as "failure to grow".

When I first discovered that my baby had in fact died, I was told that it looked like there was a mass on the brain. That, I had no trouble accepting. The next day I was told that it was likely a chromosomal issue. That was a slightly harder pill to swallow knowing that I would have to wait even longer but I was assured that they could run several types of tests. And now, now, I have zero answers.

There are a number of reasons as to why this could be but it doesn't really matter WHAT the reason is. I will never, ever, ever know why Eli's heart stopped beating. I will not know if it was genetic or chromosomal, if it was something that he inherited from us or a "fluke" of nature. I will not know if it was caused by a problem in my body. I will not know if any future pregnancies could be impacted the same way. It could have been collected wrong, stored wrong, tested wrong, he could have been gone too long - but I know I delivered about 46 hours after he died.

I know that there is a fine line between getting to spend time with him, after delivery, and the sacrificing of a "fresh specimen." It's kind of a yucky thing but the fact of the matter is, the longer his tiny body was at room temperature, the quicker the cells died and started decomposing. His body was not placed in the "cooler" when I was sent for emergency surgery, his body wasn't rushed away from me at any point. That's all part of the grieving process that the hospital allowed us to go through. It would have been a trade off - memories, foot prints, holding him, photos or maybe knowing his genetic make up and maybe knowing why his heart stopped and... maybe not. I am glad that we have the memories that we do. I would hate to forget what his fingers, feet or face looked like, but I'm honestly torn just a little bit. I guess a part of me feels like I was selfish about the time that we were given and that we took. However, the other part of me knows that it's selfish to also want to know what happened. Ugh... I can't have it both ways. That would have been too perfect if there could have been anything "perfect" about this situation. I just find it so crazy that they had my baby's entire body and yet, they can't tell me what happened. However, science can tell us why or how someone died 100 years ago. Frustrating.

I'm sad and frustrated and disappointed that we will never know. I was hoping that this would be the last chapter of this book but it just feels very unfinished right now. We struggled with even deciding for sure to go ahead with the analysis beyond the basic autopsy, which came out clean, and now I'm kind of regretting doing it. There is a tiny part of me that is kind of freaking out about the fact that in spending so much time - if 4 hours can be considered "so much time" - that could be the reason the specimen failed to grow. Ugh, such a place to be right now.

I know ultimately that it was and is all in God's hands. I am working on the peace that's going to be necessary to get over this hurdle but God has a history of turning impossible situations into new beginnings - "we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."

It is often, that when I sit down to spew my feelings, that I really have no idea what the end result will be. It is that way today for sure. Today has been just a very 'balanced' day, no extreme emotion of sadness, or anger, or bitterness, just very balanced and calm. Peaceful. What a wonderful blessing to be able to say that I am at peace and to have it be totally true.

Philippians 4:7

And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Cool! I wish more moms who are having to walk this path would realize that. Sometimes I get the feeling that people think that because I'm not angry and bitter and spewing a million questions like "what gives God the right to take my baby away..." that I miss Eli less or that I didn't want him as much. That makes me so very sad because it just isn't true. Bringing living children into this world is not something that comes easy to us. Eli was, and continues to be, a total blessing. It's just different - a different blessing than I could ever have imagined. Because of my faith, I'm growing better (hopefully) from this experience. Yes, many times a day my smile turns into a frown when I think about what I could/would/should be doing had Eli's heart not stopped beating but going down in that deep dark pit isn't going to change it. And yes, there are times when I'm truly enjoying myself and all of a sudden my heart will hurt and I have fleeting moments of thinking "how can I possibly be so happy, my baby is dead?" But, it is because of God that I can experience the sun even during the darkest times.

God has a plan for my life and he wants to make it known to me - sometimes He has to scream and other times He can whisper. At any rate, it is not my job to try to dissect or direct that plan. My job is to follow and to let every event in my life contribute to my growth. As Psalm 138:8 states: The Lord will fulfill His purpose for me, His love endures forever and He will not abandon the works of His hands.

Jeremiah 29:11-13
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me, and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you."

How can I argue with that?! I can't. I'm happy to say that I don't think I ever thought "why did God do this TO me..." I know I've wondered why, but I don't think I've ever felt like taking Eli was something that He did TO me. Aren't we all His children anyway? Obviously this is part of His plan for me and I do have hope for the future.

I can say that I am starting to have more "up" days than "down". I could truly enjoy our crazy weather today. We got out in the snow again today. I had forgotten that snow has a scent, and I like it! I felt the cold on my nose and cheeks, it was really nice. The crunch under my feet as I chased the kids and the sting of my fingers when I took my gloves off to take some photos... all things that I made a conscious effort to enjoy today.

So, tomorrow will be yet another day and I am going to try to enjoy it to the fullest of my ability - YAY!

Sensory Therapy...

Happy Friday!

Well, since it's another snowy day here (go figure!?) The kids and I decided to just let loose again and turn on some music and take pictures (the light reflecting back in the house from the snow provides for great natural lighting). Of course, their attention span is pretty short but I got a few decent shots and they ran off to watch a movie and play with a few floor puzzles together. Generally, when they're playing together, there's no need for me... they work it out and enjoy one another so that's good for me! I stayed in the office, kept the music on and drank in the words and the beauty of my kids while working on their photos. The entire time though, it certainly was evident to me, that Eli was missing. I feel like there should be three - not just two and I'm aware of it when my head gets away from me.

There's a new song on my play list. It's called Homesick by MercyMe. I came across it just last night, not sure why I hadn't seen it before but today another mom posted it too so I figured that instead of trying to figure out the "why", I would just share it here. I also decided to post the YouTube video if you prefer to enjoy it that way (remember to pause the play list on the right first)

You're in a better place, I've heard a thousand times

And at least a thousand times I've rejoiced for you

But the reason why I'm broken, the reason why I cry

Is how long must I wait to be with you

I close my eyes and I see your face

If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place

Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow

I've never been more homesick than now

Help me Lord cause I don't understand your ways

The reason why I wonder if I'll ever know

But, even if you showed me, the hurt would be the same

Cause I'm still here so far away from home

I close my eyes and I see your face

If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place

Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow

I've never been more homesick than now

In Christ, there are no goodbyes

And in Christ, there is no end

So I'll hold onto Jesus with all that I have

To see you again

To see you again

And I close my eyes and I see your face

If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place

Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow

Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow

I've never been more homesick than now

So, today has really been a sensory therapy of sorts. Between the music and the photos and the reading that I've done today, I'm feeling pretty good. I'm at peace with my reality even if I don't "like" all of it right now.