Healing. Dealing. Dreaming...

Changes

2011-07-08T13:13:00.000-07:00

Change can be scary. Change can be good. Change is always... a change.

This blog has been painfully quiet. Let's see, since my last post:
the little guy for whom the shower was thrown was born.
I photographed a birth - different kiddo.
My big kids got out of school.
We've gone on a couple of little road trips.
I started a business!

July tends to be one of those months that I spend a lot of time reflecting. July was the month that I looked forward to during my pregnancies with Eli and Collin. It turned out far different than I had hoped at the time but... is it weird to say?... I'm thankful for the way things turned out? Honestly, I think I'd be quite happy to have never experienced that heartache and loss but it's easier now. It's easier to look at the picture that's developing. As more and more pieces of the puzzle are added, it's easier to see that that time and part of my life was necessary. It taught me to trust. And that I could do a whole lot more than I even thought I could.

It was a tough lesson but a good lesson.

“My imperfections and failures are as much a blessing from God as my successes and my talents and I lay them both at his feet.”--Mahatma Gandhi

Oh, that business... You can find me on Facebook or my website.

Another First

2011-05-23T13:09:00.000-07:00

It's another chilly May day, grey clouds outside the window, a fleece sweatshirt zipped all the way up, and, other than the heaters humming, the house is very quiet. The big kids are at school and Stella is napping.

I've been spending less and less time online and while I've been pretty focused on my 365 project, I've let this blog slide quite a bit.

And I sit somewhere between feeling good about that and feeling guilty.

But as I browse the links to my baby-loss-momma-friends, most of whom I met surrounding the time we lost Eli, I see it's not just my blog that has slowed with the posts, especially those that relate directly to the intense feelings of the first year or so after the loss. I ended up blogging a bit more since I experienced multiple losses on the way to bringing Stella home but that first year is so raw and the writing is so cathartic. ...for me at least.

Seeing the last updated blogs listing "2 weeks ago", "3 months ago", "6 months ago" makes me smile. For all the times that I said "I won't ever get over this"... I was right. But I think I forgot to add "But I will get through this." I don't think it's something that I will ever get over but I have gotten through it. And I would prefer to get through it rather than over it anyway.

This weekend I attended the first baby shower that I've gone to since everything came crashing down around me. Not the first that I've been invited to, by far, but the first that I was physically and mentally able to attend. In part, because I had a "job". I was able to focus on helping decorate and then taking photos for the momma. I am really, really glad that I went and once I was there, it was so much easier than I thought it might be.

My goal for this summer is to find passion - doesn't matter what I'm working on, I want to do it with passion, otherwise, it seems such a waste!

Wordless Wednesday

2011-05-11T13:32:00.000-07:00

Z... Zodiac

2011-04-30T16:20:00.000-07:00

I've always found the zodiac signs amusing and entertaining. Do I think they totally rule a person and dictate the way that they will be? Nope. But I do find it amusing that, many times, the zodiac traits tend to be rather accurate.

Me? As I mentioned earlier, I'm a Gemini.

And a "pretty good" Gemini at that!

Don't know much about the Gemini? Google can land you some fun and... interesting... sites!

From here: The Gemini-born are intellectually inclined, forever probing people and places in search of information. The more information a Gemini collects, the better. Sharing that information later on with those they love is also a lot of fun, for Geminis are supremely interested in developing their relationships. Dalliances with these folks are always enjoyable, since Geminis are bright, quick-witted and the proverbial life of the party. Even though their intellectual minds can rationalize forever and a day, Geminis also have a surplus of imagination waiting to be tapped. Can a Gemini be boring? Never!

Since Geminis are a mix of the yin and the yang, they are represented perfectly by the Twins. The Gemini-born can easily see both sides of an issue, a wonderfully practical quality. Less practical is the fact that you're not sure which Twin will show up half the time. Geminis may not know who's showing up either, which can prompt others to consider them fickle and restless.

They can be wishy-washy, too, changing their mood on a simple whim. It's this characteristic which readily suggests the Mutable Quality assigned to this sign. Mutable folks are flexible and go with the flow. Further, the Twins are adaptable and dexterous and can tackle many things at once. It's a good thing, too, when you consider their myriad interests. The downside of such a curious mind, however, can be a lack of follow-through. How much can any one person do, anyway?

Although they talk a great game, they also love to listen and learn. With any kind of luck, the Twins will find themselves in interesting company, because if they don't, they are likely to get bored and start fidgeting. Any social setting is a good one for a Gemini, however, since these folks are charming, congenial and love to share themselves with their friends. While their effusiveness may be misconstrued as scheming by some, Geminis generally have their hearts in the right place. It's that ample energy which can also paint them as scatterbrained and unfocused, but behind all that zipping around, the Twins are busily filing all that good data away.

The element associated with Gemini is Air. Air signs are the thinking person's signs, and the Twins don't disappoint. Those born under this sign prize intellect and consider it the key to all things. At work, they are the clearest of thinkers, looking at a project from all (well, at least two) sides and putting forth some logical and well-thought-out ideas. This quality makes Geminis an asset to any team, and while these folks are not inclined to take the lead, they are a most valuable component. It's also the Gemini's literary bent that allows them to offer a useful perspective on most any situation. The Twins also enjoy bringing their objective reasoning and big-picture ability into their personal relationships. While some may perceive all this logical thought as cold and unemotional, it's simply how these folks tick. They want to connect, they just do it their own way. Luckily for Geminis (and their pals), their lightness of spirit and youthful exuberance help them to appear forever young. In keeping with that skip in their step, Geminis enjoy short road trips -- and their agile minds and nimble hands ensure that they could change a tire (if needed) in no time flat. Is all of this Twin-energy more than any one person can handle? Ah, maybe that's why they are two.

When it comes to sports, Geminis would seem a natural for doubles tennis -- and they are. They love the camaraderie of games and play, which is why they excel at team events. A book club would certainly stimulate their literary minds. In the game of love, Geminis are playful, flirtatious and endless fun. Physically speaking, Gemini rules the nervous system, which is why Twins should practice yoga or deep breathing techniques. Layering themselves in soft yellows and blues will also calm their mood.

______________________________________________________________

So, there ya' go! If you know me, you know that's pretty accurate. If you don't... trust me, it is!

Take THAT! A-Z Challenge! This fickle, blow where the wind blows Gemini finished the challenge.

Y... Yummm

2011-04-29T14:02:00.000-07:00

I had a hard time with Y today.
I was going to write about "Yellowstone National Park", how we honeymooned there and want to go back because the kids have been begging to go but I didn't feel like scanning my photos. Then I was going to write about "yuck" because it's just been that kind of day, but I couldn't find a way to do it without sounding horrible. Then there was "yellow" but again, I decided to use better judgment so tonight I'm just going to leave it up to one word: yum.

and the clean-up can't be beat!

X... Xylitol

2011-04-28T17:00:00.000-07:00

Low in calories. Tooth friendly. And fun!

W... Wacky Weather

2011-04-27T17:41:00.001-07:00

It's not wacky.
It's wet.
Weather in Washington is wet on a weekly basis. While we wish we weren't waterlogged, we are. And while we are waiting for a weekend without wain we will wrap our arms around wet, muddy wee ones!

V... Vacation

2011-04-26T14:18:00.000-07:00

Vacations are, by definition, supposed to be a time of freedom from any activity; rest; respite; intermission - a period of rest and freedom from work, study, etc. Trust me, it's right here in my Webster's dictionary.

It's been a few years since I've had a real vacation - the kind that you return from and actually feel rejuvenated. I blogged about it back in June and July of 2009. We had a real family vacation. The four of us. No staying with parents or in-laws, no working around anyone else's schedule, just us. And we had a blast. It's not something that we would have chosen to do on our own, there would have been ~~excuses~~ reasons why we shouldn't or couldn't, but because of a very generous friend of mine, we did. I am so thankful that the older kids were old enough to remember it and enjoy it. It was also a great break from everything else going on. I had a few "moments" thinking about things that were really at the forefront of my awareness but at the same time, I was able to relax and soak in everything.

All that to say, I think vacations are crucial to mental well-being.

Whether a vacation from work; vacation from stress; vacation from self loathing or sabotage or from something that's weighing you down... it needs to be done. It doesn't mean that you need to pack up and take off but perhaps, unplug, recharge, explore, sleep in, eat out. Do something different and good with that time.

Anyway, I'll step off my soapbox now but yes, I think vacations are important. And I'm going to try to take my own advice sometime soon!

U... Unconditional

2011-04-25T10:00:00.000-07:00

...without regard to qualities or actions...
Absolute. Total. Certain. Clear. Complete. Unequivocal. Genuine.
Unconditional Love.

In honor of Free Love Day... a day to promote awareness of suicide and depression, as well as to advocate a LIFESTYLE of unconditional love.

T...This Time

2011-04-23T20:12:00.001-07:00

This time, last year, this is what I was writing about.
I can hardly believe it's already been a year...

...and only been a year.

I know... you all are probably getting tired of hearing about my "one year old".

S... Sunny Springtime Scenes

2011-04-22T21:05:00.000-07:00

R... Random

2011-04-20T22:27:00.000-07:00

I love to make lists
I bite the sides of my fingers when I'm bored, or nervous
I drove a 66 Mustang in high school
it was light blue
I visit Starbucks for a treat when I go to town
I almost always order a white chocolate mocha
I have one little brother
actually, I have one younger brother
I will add things to my list that I've already done just so I can scratch them off
I sometimes chew on the neck of my sweatshirt without even noticing
I had braces for TMJ in high school
I now wonder if it would have been helped with chiropractic instead
my teeth were straight before the braces
I took piano lessons for 10+ years
I feel like I should be able to play a lot better than I do now
I played tennis in high school and college
I took an English Lit class in college that I hardly remember and rarely attended because of tennis
I got a B
I have no idea how
I'm sure my mom is thrilled with that. (hi mom!)
If I try a new burger place and they have a mushroom burger, I will try it
my sister in law HATES mushrooms (hi Lace!)
when I drive by this building, I can feel the pit in my stomach

it kills me if there's a light on in the far left, second from the top, window
Stella was born in the room four window to the right
I'm 5'4"
not 5'3"
I was accepted to a college that I never applied to
I live in the home that my great grandparents built
I have a pair of boots that I bought 10 years ago!
and they're still the most comfortable things around
I had to hold my baby girl down for four shots yesterday
I then had to hold her still while she had a head ultrasound through her fontanel

I let my kids throw pennies in a fountain any time they ask (as long as it's "legal")
my older two are 21 months apart

at one point we had 9 cats here
they were supposed to be outside cats
we now have two cats and one dog
a photo of me hangs in the museum in the town were I grew up
taking photos is my hobby
I think saying it that way carries less weight than "photography" is my hobby
I've an eclectic collection of jobs on my resume'
I have no idea how I'll get back into the workforce when I choose to
I have my bachelors degree in marketing
I've never worked in fast food
my current job offers a lot of job security ;)
many of the people I consider close friends, I've never met in real life
I have received one speeding ticket in my life
I deserved it
it was in Montana
it was for less than the speed I was going
the ticket was almost $100
I believe in ghosts
not GHOST ghosts but that there are things beyond our perception
one dark snowy night, while Jim and I were parking our car in our lower field (because we couldn't get into our driveway) there was a man who walked out of the woods and diagonally across the field and our yard
he never said a word to us
we live on 90 acres
I have no idea where he came from or where he went
that still creeps me out
I have never been to Disneyland
I have been to Disney World
I am a horrific speller
I grew up on an island
I . LOVE. SLEEP!
I do crazy amounts of thinking in the shower
I usually forget it all by the time I get my hair dried off
I sing out loud in the car
and dance like a crazy person when home with the kids
they think it's hilarious
I tend to be a jack of all trades, master of none
I kind of like that - low pressure
I hate grocery shopping
I feel guilty about the amount of water necessary to rinse out my items before I can recycle them
I live in Washington and our waste water is nearly immediately returned to the ground
I should not feel guilty about using the water
I can't remember the last time I didn't wear my diamond earrings
I broke my leg in high school
I was going down stairs
because of it, I had to wait to get my driver's license unless I took the driving test in a standard
it was my right leg, not my left
I'm still confused by that rule
I used to have great vision
then I got contacts in college to help me see the white boards
my vision got progressively worse, quickly
it turns out I was allergic to the contact lens solution
my prescription has finally stabilized. Sort of.
I have a hard time finding glasses I like
it's too bad because I get a free pair every year
my husband works in the eye care industry so I can pick pretty much anything

I'm a Gemini and if I believed in that stuff, it would explain a lot about me ;)
I love the smell of fresh cut grass and the sound that hummingbirds make
I felt sick to my stomach when I realized that I hadn't prayed before we started Stella's ultrasound yesterday
I prayed during
today Karleigh asked me why I never took her to any baby ultrasounds
I was honest and told her I was afraid
I'm kind of angry that she understands why
Faith is a big part of my foundation
I have a hard time "getting into" organized religion
I have been married to my best friend for almost 12 years
there is a cat snoring in my ear right now
and a husband snoring to my left!

Q... Quixotic

2011-04-20T10:58:00.000-07:00

What do you do with your quixotic thoughts?

I have this one that I've had for years. The end result is this incredible, seamless picture that I can see, very clearly, in my mind. However, the chances of it coming to fruition are minuscule. There are so many roadblocks: the attitudes of those around me, money, space, time, capability...fear.

Yet, I feel like it's this thing that just keeps poking and poking and poking at me.
Like a woodpecker.
In the back of my head.

How do you determine the difference between something being a true "calling" and being a quixotic daydream that's driven by something similar to envy? Or do you feel envious because you see your daydream being realized by someone else?

Quite the quandary that likely requires more quietude.

P... Posing for Photos

2011-04-19T10:55:00.001-07:00

I hate it. Hate posing for photos.
It's, literally, painful for me.
To say I'm much more comfortable behind my camera would be a major. HUGE. understatement.
I've never been a photogenic person. As a child I messed up many a family and school picture.
It's still pointed out.
And joked about.
But at least now we're in the digital age so countless photos can be snapped to get a decent one without "wasting" film on me.

This A-Z Challenge is about pushing ourselves and I've been trying to move outside of my comfort zone in several areas. This area would take a whole lot more work than I'm willing to put in. I know the "rules" for getting a pleasing photo - if you're a woman and it bends, bend it. Chin slightly down and out... yet, when it comes to me. ACK!

P is also for promise and I promised Ella that I would post a picture of the Shabby Apple dress that I won on her blog. It arrived yesterday evening so I had Jim go out and take a few pics.
I felt ridiculous.
The pictures were... eh.

So, today I took Rylan outside with me. It's always easier for me, if my kid is behind the camera. They judge less and talk like they're professionals. Rylan was all: "turn a little more" "you look beeeeeautiful!" "Nice!" It's fun to set him up and just let him go. Jim... he doesn't judge but you know... another adult... very different.

Anyway! I found one in the bunch that I was ok with:

I really like the idea behind this dress and it is very comfortable! However, for me, to be perfect, it needs some tweaking. I'm not built like a model so the front darts hit me in a kind of funny place (which is odd because if I were taller, they'd hit me even lower I think) and the color of the top is a pretty tough sell but I don't have anything like it so it was wonderful to receive it and I can't wait to try it out a few other ways. Thanks Ella!

O... Oranges

2011-04-18T16:52:00.000-07:00

Oranges!
Orange is totally Rylan's favorite color. It always has been, which I've always found a bit odd because well... orange? Not many people choose that as their favorite color.
But he is steadfast.
Orange IS the best color.
Also? Oranges have always been one of his favorite foods. The kid would eat mandarin orange packs hand over fist. He was able to peel and eat clementines from a very young age. If we have to grab fast food, we usually end up at Wendy's so that he can choose oranges over fries. You get the idea.

I thought it would be fun to look up what it could possibly mean. Here's what this website had to say:
Orange: This color of luxury and pleasure appeals to the flamboyant and fun-loving person who likes a lively social round. Orange people may be inclined to dramatize a bit, and people notice them, but they are generally good-natured and popular. They can be a little fickle and vacillating, but on the whole they try hard to be agreeable. Orange is the color of youth, strength, fearlessness, curiosity and restlessness.

Yup, my little dude seems to come by his love of orange naturally!

N... Nurture

2011-04-16T22:15:00.000-07:00

We nurture our children. It's nature! Karleigh has really been looking for her niche and it's so fun to watch her start to realize where she excels, to watch her embrace that and to watch her work towards improving while we cheer her on.

Today she had a soccer game and scored three goals. She's pretty cute out there, seems to have a love for the game and genuinely enjoys her time out there. Besides being an incredible student, I also think she has an eye for art and she enjoys that too. This evening we went into Portland to have dinner with a wonderful family that is in town from north of Seattle. On the way back to the van Karleigh asked if she could take some pictures so of course I told her "yes!" (I love the idea of doing an photo walk) After she took them, I asked her what she saw in them and she loved all the bright colors and personality so I got home and bumped two of them up a bit in photoshop.

I may get frustrated, anger too quickly, get annoyed too easily but nurturing my children is something I adore!

M... MOMents

2011-04-15T15:15:00.000-07:00

Life is made up of lots of moments. But as a mom, some of those are just MOMents. At 7:00 this morning, my baby girl turned one.
Our Stelly Bean.
Our realized dream.
The baby we hoped and prayed and tried and cried for for over 3 years.
The baby who helped soften some of the scars of the past.
The baby who looks more like her mom than her dad.
The baby who hates to get dirty.
Who instead of going crazy in her baths, just lies back and relaxes like she's at the spa.
Who loves bunnies, bubbles, balloons, powdered donuts, family, playing tag and long naps.
She's serious and loving but also has a funny bone.
She's everything we hoped she would be.
She's more than we imagined she could be.
And I am beyond thankful for every moment with her and for each MOMent with which she blesses me.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY SWEET STELLA CLAIRE!

L... Lost

2011-04-14T16:51:00.000-07:00

Lost in a land of little people and little Little People.

...it's been fun!

K... Kristi

2011-04-13T21:03:00.000-07:00

That's me. ...taken this afternoon as I waited for Rylan to get done with school today. I dropped my camera and before it hit the floor of the van, my finger hit the shutter button and that was the result. I was going to delete it but then thought it was kind of interesting. An odd perspective - thank goodness no boogers! I realized that it's probably really close to the perspective that my kids have of me quite frequently. And while I sat in the quiet of the van, Stella sleeping away behind me, Jim waiting outside Rylan's classroom door, I had a chance to really think about what it must be like to be one of my kids.

To be the ones looking at that face all the time.

During the "I love you's" and the "that decision really disappointed me's" and the "just stop!'s". There have been lots of the former and too many of the latter. I have felt really tested by Rylan lately. He is such a smart, smart kid but he also has some quirky behaviors. I have never been the mom of a 5 1/2 year old boy before so I don't even know what I should be expecting of him. He has been making behavioral improvements at school by leaps and bounds but at home we're still dealing with some issues. Thankfully, he is not a bully, he's not mean, he doesn't have a mean bone in his body but he does have a lot of energy and he can be verbally defiant. And honestly, it can get exhausting keeping his mind busy. He is constantly asking me math problems or asking me to ask him math problems or he'll practice counting by 4's because he has the 1's, 2's, 5's and 10's down pat. He'll come to me and ask me how to spell random words and if we don't keep his mind busy he starts going a little bonkers. Anyway, I get frustrated too easily with him (with both of the older kids actually) and I hate the thought of what I look like from their perspective. Hate it.

So, with this one picture I saw the light bulb. I have come to realize that I have pretty high expectations. Kindness in a non-negotiable, however I'm going to try to lighten up a bit in other areas and see what happens. I want my kids to see and remember Kind Kristi and not Krazy Kristi.

J... Jumbled

2011-04-12T12:43:00.000-07:00

I confess. I am a bit of a jumbled mess today.
What's up with that?!
I have no clue what I'll write about today so it's probably going to be more of a stream of consciousness type thing.

The sun is shining. The baby slept straight through the night last night - I'm talking 8:30 - 7:30 people! ...although I tossed and turned until well after 1:30. Lame. I don't feel like I have tons on my plate right now... yet? I feel like a jumbled mess.

I attribute some of it to Stella's upcoming first birthday. Not the party. The ACTUAL birthDAY. In less then 3 days I will have a one year old. A breathing, walking, talking, little person. That kind of freaks me out. After so much work, so much heartache, so many prayers to get her here. She's here. And she's nearly one. And it's gone so fast!

I'm also feeling the itch to be "creative" but... not sure with what, or where, or how! LOL Oh and the perfectionist in me tends to think, if it can't be perfect then why do it? I know. Crazy, right?

I have learned however, that this tends to just be a passing phase with me. I get over it and laugh about in fairly short order which is good, because I used to feel like I really had a place where I could go, get it off my chest, work through it and move up and move on but even that safety net seems to have been shifted a bit so that in turn, got me thinking about how often that happens throughout our lives. How some people come into our lives and stay for a life time and how others come into our lives when we need them but they're quick to come along and quick to leave.

Which reminds me of this post from March 18, 2008:

Smacked Upside the Head...

_______________________________________________________________

And how that's not always a bad thing.

I got smacked upside the head today in the most fabulous way!

It was something that made me cry and smile at the same time.

You see, I was trying to act "normal" today, keep my mind off things that I cannot control and be a bit productive at the same time (multi-tasking at its finest). Our office/guest room closet is pretty much my arch-nemesis. Everything seems to end up in that closet. That's also where my maternity clothes were so my first goal was to get those boxed up so they would quit laughing at me every time I opened the door. Next step was to gut the closet. Finally, having made quite a bit of progress, I came to yet another box. It held some things that I had cleaned out of my grandma and grandpa's little desk a year or so ago. And by "cleaned" I mean, just stuck in a box and moved it to another place in the house - out of sight, out of mind. I knew what was in there - old check books, bank statements, closed account notices from every time grandpa decided to switch banks. Anyway, I was quickly thumbing through each envelope before it went in a burn pile box. A tiny slip of paper fell out and on to the bed. It was folded in half and when I opened it I could tell it was grandma who had written it.

It reads: "Time and tide move on and we move with them or we find ourselves defending battlements that have been deserted, not only by our enemies, but by our friends as well."

Those words were written down and that paper was folded in half at least 20 years ago based on her handwriting and the dates on the envelopes that it fell from. Even knowing that those words were speaking very loudly to me, I consciously thought "no way..." and actually said out loud, "... not sure I believe I was MEANT to find that today." So, I folded it back up, set it on the end table and went to make my lunch. I heated my soup on the stove and sat down at my computer while it was warming. I opened my email and the e-votional in my in box was "BELIEVE!" - as if it was shouting at me. So, I opened it, read it about four times and yes I do believe that that note was written years ago for me to find it today. I've been having a rough few days, doing the questioning thing, being a bit angry and not letting things 'roll' like I normally would.

To quote several passages from the message today...

"Faith is always a choice. If we believers had to have things proven to us before we chose to believe, it would not be faith, but a rational action. Real faith requires us to step into the unknown and believe in Jesus because of what we read in His Word, not as a result of what we rationalize."

"As disciples of our Lord Jesus Christ, we need to come to the place in our spiritual life where we quit the impossible task of trying to figure things out. The Lord knows our present situation as well as what lies ahead for us. One of our biggest problems is that we spend too much time looking at our personal situation instead of looking to the One who is able to control our situations."

"What is the impossible thing in your life that dominates your life? Let me tell you that you have three choices: 1. You can try to solve the problem with your own abilities and continue with the conflict you now are experiencing. 2. You can place it in the hands of the Lord, but still keep your focus on the impossible situation. 3. You can place it in His hands and then keep your eyes on Him. The choice is yours. I trust and pray that you make the third choice and that it will be your final answer!"

I have been saying all along that I have faith and hope and that I believe that there is a reason for all of this but I have always added the disclaimer "I just want to know what it is". I am working really hard to remind myself to remove that qualifier. I have to. I believe that God made sure that grandma wrote those words (which by the way, I can't seem to tie to anyone even with all the powers of Google), that she folded the paper and it ended up tucked in between some old bank statements. I believe that last year it didn't fall out when I put everything in the box because I wasn't meant to find and read it until today. It's all kind of overwhelming to know that God knew that my grandma would have a great grandson who wouldn't live to take a breath, a granddaughter who needed desperately to read those words but would question them and have the need to believe reaffirmed.

It all goes back to that passage from a week or so ago (that I had come across a number of times in the same day)

From Psalm 139
16 Your eyes saw my unformed substance;
in your book were written, every one of them,
the days that were formed for me,
when as yet there was none of them.

WOW!

_____________________________________________________

So, a big ol' long post, reminding me of some very important things. Not too bad for such a jumbled day, and I feel a bit more grounded again too.

I... Inspire

2011-04-11T11:01:00.000-07:00

There are a lot of really great "I" words that I could have used for this A-Z Challenge but I just couldn't get the word "inspire" out of my head all weekend long. It wasn't a heavens opened, angels sang, stars aligned inspiring weekend, but I think that's part of why the word kept ping-ponging around in my head. It doesn't have to be easy or right in front of me but I try to look for inspiration in even the most mundane or misplayed things.

I personally think the word inspire is a word that carries a lot of weight and responsibility. I hear so many people say, for instance, "She inspires me to be a better... (I don't know, let's go with)... painter." When really? I think they're really saying "She makes me want to be a better painter."

To me, inspire means that you take it and you actually DO with it! You don't dream about it, you don't just think about it or pine over it or covet it. You DO it. I don't want to "inspire" someone if it means they just sit back and say "Man, that's great. I wish I could do that." I want someone to take whatever it is that they feel inspired by and actually DO it.

I was (sort of, between Stella's crying fits) watching Eat. Pray. Love. yesterday... a movie that I didn't find all that inspirational at all. I imagine the book is far better. But inspiration can be found everywhere. One quote from the whole movie really spoke to me:

Ruin is a gift. Ruin IS the road to transformation. -Eat, Pray, Love

Who or what really. REALLY, inspires you? Make sure you take that inspiration and use it. Do it. Love it. Live it.

H... Holland

2011-04-09T20:24:00.000-07:00

It looks a bit like we visited Holland today. We didn't. We decided to seize the decent weather and head to the tulip festival. The fields weren't nearly in full bloom the way they were when we visited two years ago but the sun was peeking through and that was a very nice bonus.

I had hopes of getting some cute photos of the kids. Not so much. The light was ever changing and very challenging. Stella slept horribly last night - she has quite a snotty nose and super wet cough and while she loved being outside, she did not really find the joy in being put down today.

But, since we were in "Holland" we made the best of what we had and enjoyed our day out. I'm hoping that there will be another dry day or two in a week or so and maybe we'll try it again. ...or maybe we'll wait and do it again next year!

G... Gloriously Gorgeous!

2011-04-08T17:37:00.000-07:00

What a gloriously gorgeous day today! It started off on the right foot when Stella went to bed at 7:30 last night and only woke once and finally got up at 9:30 this morning. And we woke up to sunshine. Frost and sunshine but sunshine!

My green guys planted a few trees:

There were sunshine warmed girly grins:

My garden girl stirred the dirt in the new garden box that Jim built from reclaimed wood:

The guys gussied up the t-ball gear giving it a good wash-down:

And I finally got to smile about the first greeting from our little garden guest:

F... Failure

2011-04-07T12:24:00.000-07:00

Nah, it's not going to be "that" kind of post about failure today. Today I'm talking... first birthday smash cake photo failure.

I've had it all planned out for months (failure set up part one). I had a perfectly clear vision in my mind of how it would turn out (failure set up part two).

Stella is just too much of a little lady with her cake. Who knew!? I mean, the way she ate her cake at her birthday party should have been a bit of an indication. But? She had just eaten a great lunch so I thought the chance of her really going at her cake this time was much better. Not exactly. She likes cake. Perhaps even, loves. Loves to the point that she certainly isn't going to waste any of it on her face or the floor. Also the fact that we hardly ever have to use a bib should have been a bit of an indication that she wasn't going to make a total mess. Oh well!

I still have time to do something different for a one year photo shoot for her. But smash cake? That was a failure. Cute! But not exactly what I was going for.

Ooohhhh! My candle!

I'll just poke at the frosting a bit, then use my incredible pincer grasp.

It's yummy! So yummy!

And then she got up and ran away!

E... Easter Baskets

2011-04-06T17:06:00.000-07:00

Easter baskets. Christmas stockings. They are things that I waited, and waited, and waited to do until we had our family completed. Sure, we had things that worked or that were good enough for now but there are things that I had my eye on and it feels really good to be able to get them.

We picked up the Easter baskets that I've been eye-balling for the last few years. I, however, wasn't really loving any of the liners. I wanted them to coordinate but not be exactly the same, blah, blah, blah... yadda, yadda, yadda.

Long wordy story, finally to the point: I picked out some fabric yesterday and after a play date and some graphic design work today, I was able to take some time, cross my fingers, and sew up a basket liner - not an easy task while crossing fingers!

I was pleasantly surprised with how Rylan's turned out without a pattern:

and the kids are thrilled that they got to pick and choose their fabrics from the stack that I purchased.

D... Dreary

2011-04-05T12:00:00.000-07:00

Oh. My. Goodness! This weather is slowly killing me. Drowning me. It's a bit out of control. I know my friends across the country are still dealing with snow. But snow? It's white. It's clean. It's bright.

This never ending rain is just a soul sucking gray.

Don't get me wrong. I love, love, LOVE the pacific northwest. But even I am getting really, REALLY, tired of this. It makes me feel agitated and tired. Sad and gloomy. Totally uninspired.

Seriously, this weather is so bad that for the first time ever, the soccer club that Karleigh joined, pushed back their entire season for a month. Guess what? The fields are still in bad condition. Plants are weeks behind. As I sit here and type, I look up to the wall in our living room to see pictures of happy, bright, cheerful pink, blue sky backed cherry plum blossoms from the trees in our yard. They were taken the very beginning of March last year. This year, this moment, I look out and see the trees finally blooming. Sort of. With a dull gray sky as the backdrop. *le sigh*

I'm thinking the garden will probably not happen this year. With eternal optimism (I try!) I'm listening to "Here Comes The Sun", unfortunately, in a hilarious (can you sense the sarcasm?) twist of irony... here comes the rain. Again.

Dreary, dreary, dreary!

C... Childlike Courage

2011-04-04T10:53:00.000-07:00

"I can do it myself!"
"Let me try!"
"Watch what I can do!"
.
.
.

"What if I fail?"
"I don't want anyone to watch me."
"It's not going to work anyway."

Wikipedia defines it: Courage (also bravery, fortitude, or intrepidity) is the ability to confront fear, pain, risk/danger, uncertainty, or intimidation.

At what point do we lose our bright, sunny childlike courage and crumple into self doubting balls of adults? Surely it isn't as we drive off for college with a skip in our step and a flick of our wrist as we wave out the open window. So, perhaps it happens as tears of uncertainty cloud the new roads ahead of us and the familiar ones in the rear view mirror. I have the courage to say "I don't know."

And that's OK.

When I look in the mirror, I would like to, but I don't see a courageous person looking back at me. However, when I think back at how I got to where I am right now, in this moment, I realize that it was either A) courage B) stupidity or C) divine intervention. I'm going to go with D) All of the above.

Picking up the broken pieces of my heart wasn't an easy task. I'm still working on putting them back together. But you know what? It has to be done. I'm a 'bit' of a competitive person. At least I used to be. Now, I tend to compete solely with myself which I suppose is a good thing, right? Only I win. But at what costs? Did those around me lose while I spent so much time finding the courage to keep fighting? I am so very thankful for the courage that was instilled in me to keep going, to keep fighting, to keep on keeping on so, in the end? I feel so fully justified in my fight when I look at Stella. And everyone who meets her says the same thing "You know? She's great in your photos but she's so much more when you meet her!"

I also know that it takes even more courage to make a bigger change, the courage to say "I can't do it anymore. I need to move on. I need to move forward." I was so close to that point but I didn't have enough.
Not enough courage at that point.
Although, perhaps again that's where the divine intervention came in, pushing me forward one. more. time. Because I cannot imagine life without Stella.

But now? I've been given the courage to move on. Move forward with our three children. And I need to find the courage to let the hurt of the past three years slide into a little envelope, carefully folded and tucked away in a special corner of my heart.

Courage to live the best life possible!

B... Birthday Bash!

2011-04-02T21:23:00.000-07:00

We celebrated Stella's First Birthday a tad early and it was ah-may-zing! We stayed at home which ended up being the best plan possible because the weather has been just bizarre this Spring. Today we had dry spells, rain, hail, snow, wind, and lovely bright sunshine. She did great right up to the very end where we were pushing nap time. We celebrated with lunch, presents and cake and Auntie Lacey, Uncle Mark, my parents, and our friend Jamie and her kiddos Kaden and Marissa. So fun and people she's really comfortable around.

We are so blessed... and tired! So, tonight I'm going to let some of the pictures do the talking. So, in no particular order, a little (or large) share from Stella's First Birthday Party!

A... Absolutely Adorable

2011-04-01T12:00:00.000-07:00

It's all I can think of for "A" tonight. Absolutely Adorable.

Challenge

2011-03-29T23:27:00.000-07:00

Hey, I'm nothing if not a follower!

So, since I have been really slack at keeping up with this blog... I think I posted once in February and this is woot! woot! my second post of March... I figured I'd hop on with (so far) 776 other people, I linked up at lucky blogger number 777, and do the A-Z blog challenge.

I think this will be a GREAT way to get me back into blogging here a bit more and a nice way to try to introduce some new topics into this blog that has, admittedly, been kind of stuck. Go ahead and join in too!

MARCHing into Spring

2011-03-10T12:32:00.000-08:00

This month is a busy, busy month for us. Full of so much goodness and love!

First, the big kids have started their Spring sports. Rylan's doing t-ball this year (and Jim is coaching, which will be interesting since he's used to coaching high school aged players). And Karleigh's taking on soccer. Her first game was this past Saturday and even with only having an hour of practice, ever, she scored two goals!!!

This was the best photo that I got prior to her first goal, I was too busy cheering and totally forgot about the camera in my hand!

I'm really happy with the team she's on right now. It's great for a first-timer. A good number of her school-mates were on the two teams that were playing next to us and seriously? The parents were so intense. It actually made me sad for the kids. Luckily, we won't be playing teams like "The Crush", Saturday we play "The Kickin' Kitties". Sounds good to me! ;)

After the game we quickly came home, did the dishes and cleaned out the van in preparation to pick up friends who came over from Australia. If you've read along since early on and ever clicked on my side-bar blogs, you know who I'm talking about. Brooke and I "met" right after my Eli and, a week later, her Caden were born. There are many things that are different about us, about our situation, but the core of 'who we are' has always been very, very similar and I've always felt like we just "get" each other. It was so nice to be able to give her a real, live, hug. To kiss her rainbow baby. To be in the same moment instead of 18.5 hours behind her. I could go on and on.

They brought gifts including a very special bear for Stella. Interestingly enough, Australia's Stillbirth Foundation has a special, light purple bear. It matches Stella's coming home from the hospital blanket exactly. All the proceeds of the sales go to the foundation. And, if you haven't already jumped to guessing it... the bear's name... is Stella. {insert goosebumps here if you so choose}

Stella loves Stella-bear!

They also brought a beautiful tile for the boys' garden which will be going right next to the orange lilies that I have planted in memory of Caden. I will, of course, post photos when the garden wakes up a bit more.

The kids got along great! We sat around and chatted and let them get used to the time change at their own pace and try to catch up a bit on sleep after such a long set of flights.

On Sunday, we headed out to the gorge to Multnomah Falls and then drove up to Vista House for a great view of the area even if it was overcast, it wasn't raining!

We also took an unplanned detour to the ER for Rylan to get seven stitches in his eyebrow after he fell into the corner of the van door that I had open while changing Stella's diaper. It was quite the blessing that we had extra adults there. Jim did a quick switch-a-roo with the car seats and Kim was able to ride in the back seat with Rylan to help keep him calm. Karleigh was totally grossed out by the whole thing (drama queen, though it was impressive at first) and Kim was calm as a cucumber! Plus, Rylan wanted to be tough for her. As soon as I got to the ER with Brooke and the other kids, he was tired, coming down from the adrenaline rush and full of tears. A day later though, he was back to his good ol' self. The photos are on my 365 blog.

Monday was sweet Edan's Second Birthday!!! I couldn't help but think of the excitement and fear filled email that Brooke sent to me with her positive pregnancy tests. Pregnancy after a loss is filled with so many emotions but her end result is just adorable!

Edan even shared his most very favorite birthday gift, Nok Tok!

Naturally, the visit seemed too short but I would take "too short" over "not at all" any day!

And that's just the beginning of this month! We've got more great things just around the corner and then *gasp*!!! Stella's First Birthday party! I'm so ready to welcome Spring, and while I'm a bit sad that the newborn phase is long behind us (except for that pesky sleep thing) she's so much fun these days!

3rd Birthday

2011-02-20T16:16:00.000-08:00

I hesitated, at first, to use the term "birthday" but that's what it is. The emergence and separation of offspring from the body of the mother. I know that a lot of "us" get caught up on what to call it, but by definition, although we expected it to be in July, this is his birthday.

Yet, there are no balloons to tie to his chair. No cake to decorate. No candles to blow out. No presents to unwrap. No crazy sugar hyped three year old little guy running around. No FB wall full of Happy Birthday! posts - one lone "I'm thinking of you", love filled message. And? Even though we have his beautiful little sister, my heart still aches to know him.

On the outside, it's a day just like any other. The weather was exactly the same as it was three years ago as I crumpled in pure, raw, grief. In my heart, it's not just another day. It's his day. I'm not at a point where I can look to this day as being "OK" or "joyful" or even just "devoid of emotion." But I have peace. This day, three years ago, changes were well under way. Changes that would totally alter life as I knew it. Some people walked out of my life. Some ran. Others quietly tiptoed in and have stayed through everything.

The rawness, the extreme physical and emotional pains have subsided like a low tide leaving the thick, foot weighing mud behind, all the while revealing the rare beauties that not everyone gets to experience. He (and the others) were a necessary part of my journey. A journey that I've never walked alone even when it felt very lonely.

“'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me and I will listen to you.'" Jeremiah 29:11-12

And tomorrow will be the first day of the next year...

Linger a little longer

2011-02-09T22:21:00.000-08:00

My last handful of posts here have been real downers. Sorry about that. The rest of everything else is pretty swell but I do fully admit to running here to get the ookies off my chest. Instead of stuffing it, I get it out and then I'm able to move forward. It really isn't a bad thing.

Cheap therapy.

Also cheap therapy? This kid.

We are all crazy in love with her and her personality just cracks me up. She has cruised right into my favorite age which is from about 9 months to 18 months (but don't tell the big kids that. Though it was my favorite age with them too.) She has figured out how to make us laugh. She finds things hilarious, which makes us laugh... which makes her laugh even more.

Tonight, while nursing her before bed, she could. not. stop. giggling. Which gave herself the hiccups.
And then she promptly spit-up on us, totally startling herself.
Yah. It's been a while since that happened!

After she went to bed I noticed that tell-tale smell of baby spit-up.
And I kind of liked it.
Because this age is just a flash in the pan.

Almost to the hour, Jim and I have been together for 15 years now. It all goes so fast. So tonight, I will linger a little longer before I change my spit up sweatshirt :)

It Doesn't Define Me

2011-02-04T14:00:00.001-08:00

It really doesn't. And I shouldn't let it. Or even feel like some days it does.

(it's kind of a 'poor me' stream of consciousness post, feel free to skip it!)

I honestly don't think that many people look at me like "Oh, that's the lady who couldn't stay pregnant." Seriously, people should have way too many other things to think about than that. But yet, I can't escape that nagging feeling that that's what some people do think, especially if it's been a while since I've seen them or I don't seem them often. It's just as likely that they're thinking "I could really swear that she was skinnier last time I saw her." or "Man she looks tired." or "I wonder when she's going to finally get a hair cut because what she's got going on now is just not working." or "You would think that her kids would behave better." or "Huh, I wonder what the paint color on that wall is." ...that one's especially possible when I feel like someone is looking right through me.

I've found myself feeling very small and insignificant and while most of the time that doesn't bother me. Sometimes it does.
And I want so desperately to fit in somewhere and feel comfortable.
That sounds pathetic.
But I don't really feel like I "fit" anywhere anymore. For entertainment's sake, I went to a website that I've used before... looked through the group descriptions for what I was hoping to find and didn't. fit. a. single. one. Really?!
I just want to be comfortable, like fall into a fluffy couch with a cozy blanket and a sweet, hot cup of coffee, comfortable.

Maybe I'm defining myself too narrowly.
Maybe I don't know how to define myself at all anymore.
Maybe I just need to get comfortable with "me".
Maybe that kind of comfortable is reserved for the most special of people and that's why it's so sought after.

Clearly, I must be having some issues. And it's that time of year again. But it's been that time of year for almost 3 years now so I should be getting used to it. And at the end of the day, I know that I'm right where I'm supposed to be. I'm not missing out on any of Stella's infancy by running all over to different places. (I was super busy when Rylan was little and, sadly, it's all kind of a blur but there was lots of - not child created - stress too)

And when I feel alone, I'm not really... half-way through writing this post my friend (like the real-life, doesn't just live in my computer type) posted this:
~*If someone wants to be in your life they will work to be a part of it. So don't bother saving a spot for someone who won't make an effort to stay!*~
I feel like maybe that's what I've been doing a lot of...Waiting. Wanting things to be like they were "before" and that's just not possible. I'm not the same. Those around me aren't the same. It doesn't mean it's worse or better... it's just different. I can't control if other people gossip about me. I can't control if people don't understand me. I can't control if people judge me or my decisions, thoughts, ideas or beliefs anymore than I can control the weather!

I need to get up and get over it! And then I need to make sure that I don't take those soft places to land for granted.

The one where I ramble...

2011-01-18T13:24:00.000-08:00

...because it's been so long since I've blogged here.

And I should be writing because it is that time of year (for me, at least)...
the holiday rush is over.
The decorations are put away.
The down-time after several months of back-to-school/birthday/holiday "excitement" is upon me and in the midst of it there's still the thoughts of where I was a year ago, two years ago, three years ago.

I do have to say that, of course, I am certainly much happier on this side of things. I much prefer the exhaustion of not sleeping through the night because Stella's rarely sleeping through the night as opposed to the exhaustion of lying in bed crying because of grief or nerves. And I really am OK with all that happened although there is some guilt that goes along with feeling OK. I remember lying in the ER 2 years ago and feeling so defeated. There was no WAY that I was going to try again. There was no way that I could try again. Ever. I didn't have anything left physically or emotionally.

I'm so very thankful that I got through that and over that notion!

Before I had any reason to start this blog, this time of year was when I would dive into projects. I don't know... maybe it all goes back to the fact that parenthood really started for me on January 1st, 2004 and since then, I've felt the need to have some pretty major changes going on along with the beginning of a new year. Who knows really?

As soon as the tree is taken down and the birthday paper is recycled my brain starts clicking for ways to change things. To make things more organized. To clean.
I'm home.
A lot.
And I get this need to "pretty up" the place where I spend so much time.
This year has been pretty much the same although I'm really trying to keep myself reined in, to work with what we have. Revamp. Reorganize. Reclaim. Although just 3 weeks in, I've already bought a new piece of furniture.

We've had the same entertainment center since before Karleigh was born. It was big. It wasn't our style (which has evolved over the last 10 years!). It didn't go with anything else that we have so we changed it. We downsized big time and I'm really happy with it. I also got our white furniture covers back out, washed them up and put them on. Sure, I have kids, and cats, and a dog... and I've been known to be kind of klutzy. But the bottom line is that I much prefer the look and the feel and that's what's important. And, Jim would probably say that we bought furniture with changeable covers because he KNOWS that I change my mind. A lot. And I love that he's OK with that.

It's a little thing really.

I know so many people who seem so dissatisfied with what they have, where they are, the situations that they find themselves in and oh, do they complain! It's painful to watch. I really don't want to be like that. I want to take the good and the bad and if the "bad" is something that I have control over, great, time to make some changes to it. If it's something that I can't control, then it's time to make some changes to me. It really shouldn't be that difficult.

This place where you are right now, God circled on a map for you ~Hafiz

If you can't find comfort in that, well, I don't know what to say.

And in the vein of random... I love watching Stella play with her little tea pot and love on her baby. Cracks me right up!

New Year!

2011-01-02T23:15:00.000-08:00

I know, seriously!? Where have I been? I've been keeping up with my photo blog but I just haven't really found the time to blog here. I've thought about it. I've blogged a ton of times in my head. I just don't have the time to sit town and post anything.

It's that weird time of year for me, so pleased that Karleigh has celebrated another birthday but at the same time, knowing with each birthday that she celebrates, that's another year since Collin's heart stopped. Last year I was so thankful to be pregnant with Stella and this year, so thankful that she is with us to celebrate the new milestones. It's been a really good year for us and I'm really working on being ok with being ok with how things have transpired over the last several. I have lots more good days but they can still be peppered with anxiety and bad dreams, things are steadily improving though.

We celebrated Karleigh's birthday this weekend. It's almost hard to believe that she's seven. She seemed to thoroughly enjoy her "rainbow art party" even though she was quite tired from ringing in the New Year with us.

We also had a good Christmas at my parent's house, worked in lots of Christmas outings with the kids, sing-a-longs, lights, etc. We've had snow, colds, another ear infection for Stella... pretty much super duper "normal" stuff. It's been nice.

I'm trying to decide where I'm going to "go" with this blog. I don't know if it feels like it's doing much for me... and that pleases me. I feel guilty when I neglect it and while it helped me to really get to a place of peace (most days) I'm not sure what it would do for me now. At this point I just feel guilty for not writing. I mean, it's not like I'm making money for it, or have lots of fans/followers (such an odd concept to me). And? Considering if my New Year's Resolution could be summed up in one word, it would be SIMPLIFY... maybe I need to lock this one down, make it private or what not. I'm not going to delete it, there's too much for me to be able to do that but I just don't know. Perhaps I'll just shift over to my photo blog and get into more detail when I feel like it... decisions, decisions... none of which will be made tonight because the little Miss is awake and screaming after 3 great hours of sleep. Some day she will sleep well, I'm certain of it... I'm just getting impatient for that day... night.

So fast

2010-11-16T19:01:00.000-08:00

It's been over a month since I blogged here? Pathetic. Or not pathetic and a good indication that I used this blog the way that I needed to, when I needed to and now? well, my days are taken up by this cutie!

She's still awesome. We brought her home from the hospital seven months ago. She's gained almost 12 pounds since she was born. She's trying to crawl. She tries to call "kitty, kitty, kitty" but is comes out as slobbery jibberish... the same way Karleigh used to say it. She's finally happy to try some solid foods. She's still rarely sleeping through the night but waking once to nurse still. Naps are great though. She's fun and just totally sparkles. It's still crazy to look back and see how much she's changed already and how she's really starting to become her own person who's still generally happy but who also still has no in-between and when she changes attitude there's little to no warning. But we sure do love her!

Me? I'm doing better. The short version is that I did finally make an appointment with my doc. I walked out with a prescription for an antidepressant. One that has great success for PTSD since my symptoms were more consistent with that than PPD actually. And I'm not surprised.
So, I started taking the meds.

And then I stopped.

Sure, my anxiety decreased and I yelled less after just a couple days but that's because I was sleeping. Luckily, I started this at the beginning of Jim's vacation because I could not function by myself on them. All of a sudden I would get so tired that I would HAVE to lie down and sleep. So, I'm taking a different approach with St.John's Wort, various vitamins, *gasp* diet and exercise. It seems to be working and I'm very grateful for that.

It seems crazy how fast this year is going. Thanksgiving, which we're hosting here, is just around the corner and we are nearly done with all of our Christmas shopping, I've taken our family photos and the card is almost done... unless I change my mind. Again. Which I probably will. And the ideas for Karleigh's SEVENTH birthday are being tossed around. It all goes so fast!

October 15th

2010-10-16T15:45:00.001-07:00

I did not forget about October 15th yesterday. I lit my candles at 7 pm. I thought about Eli and Collin and all of our other lost babies. I thought about my baby loss momma friends and their babies, some that they got to hold, some that they didn't. And I would love to name them all but nothing hurts like seeing that your baby has been forgotten so I'm going to avoid causing that hurt and hope that they all had feelings of peace and love while specifically setting aside time just for them.

But this year was much different for me. On October 15th Stella also turned 6 months old and I tried to focus a bit more on my present than my past. I had a beautiful mental image and planned to do a balloon release for my past but my present is sick and needed to go to the pediatrician for antibiotics and ear drops for a bad ear infection. An ear infection that I was told, had I waited until Monday it probably would have ruptured. I still think of what might have been every day so I guess, while it is nice to have one day dedicated to our babies, it's not a necessity for me. But I still remember...

Four Letter Word

2010-10-14T10:07:00.000-07:00

It's been a while since I've updated anything here, obviously. And the longer I go without updating the more overwhelming it seems... like there are a million things that I want to "talk" about but they all run together and then I kind of think "eh, that's not even interesting". :)

Our last few weeks can be summed up in one four letter word: sick. And not the kind of sick that the 'cool kids' are using instead of the words neat-o or cool. Man I'm getting old. At any rate, sick, sick, sick.

This past month everyone has had a nasty cold, then Karleigh came down with pneumonia and missed a week of school. On her first day back, Rylan got the flu - on his fifth birthday. The next day Stella got a rash all over the trunk of her body that looks kind of like tiny, red baby acne but isn't. She still has her rash has continued to be cranky, not sleeping well and in fact was up from 1:30 to 3:30 early this morning with a fever. I'm thinking maybe we need a trip to the desert while our house gets bleached down. Either that or I just need to put us all in a bubble for a while.

Thankfully, we did get a day of reprieve where everyone was feeling ok and attitudes were really quite good, to celebrate Rylan's 5th Birthday. Last Saturday we had an airplane birthday party for him. My parents came down to celebrate with us and he had a great time. We went to the local air museum and then came back for cake, presents and his favorite pizza. It was fun and relaxing and a very welcome break to everything else that's been going on.

It's kind of hard to realize how fast five years goes. How much they change and learn and grow. We're really proud of him though and are soaking up what could be the last remaining bit of him really needing us for cuddles and hanging out.

Honesty, Hiccups and Hangups

2010-09-29T12:43:00.000-07:00

Honestly.
Since my last post I have started to feel a lot better. Not every day is perfect, of course, but I think like I've made progress and I'm more comfortable with the way I feel about everything. Functioning day to day was the number one thing that I needed to get under control and between Jim picking up a bunch of the slack and rest assured, there was a BUNCH of slack to be picked up considering just taking care of the basics was starting to feel overwhelming and taking my vitamins and supplements, the hiccups are coming fewer and further between.
*Hah! I just re-read that and honestly, it was not the functioning day to day that I needed to get under control. It was the anger and temper and the frustration with myself for feeling so out of control when it came to day to day tasks. Big difference. And how in the world can someone be so indecisive but so upset and certain that the decision that was just made was the wrong one? I don't know, but that's where I was.

In hindsight, I know I experienced some of this when Karleigh was little and interestingly enough, to me at least, right around 4-5 months because I know she was sleeping in the nursery by then. I can recall rocking her in just her lamp lit bedroom and thinking "huh... I wonder what would happen if I just let her roll off my lap and onto the floor..." I never once even came close to considering it and I've never had any thoughts of hurting the kids or myself - just to be very blunt about it so there's no lines to read between - but after that questioning thought, I had the disturbing and very unlikely vision of her rolling off my lap, onto the floor with a thud and then continuing across the room and then up and out the bedroom window and down. Cah-Rae-Zee...
It was the only and the last thought that I recall having like that and it freaked me out. And like I said it wasn't me thinking that I could, would, or should do anything like that but just a very "not me" moment. Five months postpartum with Rylan, the "fit hit the shan", so to speak and I honestly don't remember a whole lot about that time. My dad had a stroke, I started on a hormonal birth control for the first time in my life that totally sucked and messed me up so stress and not being myself would be a total understatement and with everything that was going on there's no way possible that I could begin to divide and pinpoint what was what. At any rate...

I had gotten to the point a couple weeks ago, that if I didn't feel any better by "insert date here" that I would be making a call to my OB or to Stella's ped because she also handles adults - great office by the way. It's a good thing that I did start feeling better though because I don't know if I really would have made the call. Just thinking about calling was overwhelming so tell me how in the world women really do get help? If there isn't someone to say "this isn't abnormal but it's not ok, let's deal with it together" what else is there? The anxiety of just calling. Good grief. Luckily, I do have people who checked in with me and said just that, to a point, I may be paraphrasing to save time. :) It was just very hard to deal with those feelings while knowing that, as far as many people were concerned, I had everything that I wanted so I shouldn't feel this irrational way and I should stop complaining about it.

For now though, things are good. Things are actually getting really close to great again! I'm trying to remove any unnecessary drama, get a decent amount of sleep, be more rational about my thoughts and keep up with my vitamins and such. It is nice to feel like the fog has lifted and I'm really grateful that is seems to have just been a great big hiccup along the way.

Since I'm feeling more me again. Well, I've always been me, but the better more like myself me... I realized that I hadn't hardly gotten past but a few pages in Stella's baby book. That too is one of those little things, that turns into a bigger thing, that's been bugging me. What kind of mom just chooses not to fill out the baby book? Granted. I didn't really like any of them that I came across while shopping so I settled on one that was more girly than gender neutral like I have for Karleigh and Rylan. They have gender neutral baby books because that was one of the first purchases for both of them. I wrote in them from fairly early on but this time I could not bring myself to buy a baby book because, you know, when the baby dies, that's just another thing that you have to make room for in the memory box. But I finally bought one not long before Stella was born and it was going well for the first several pages until I got to the page labeled: Mommy and Daddy are Having a Baby. Really? Are you sure? Can you, little book, guarantee that!? So, I got mad at the baby book. Rational much? I ended up not liking the colors and the butterfly decal on the front annoyed me. It didn't even match.

So, I stopped writing in it.

And that made me mad and sad too. My mom doesn't have a baby book and it may very well be because my grandma had the same issues and couldn't get to a place where she was "ok" filling out a baby book for her. 13 months before my mom was born, my grandma had a stillborn son at 8 months and I'm almost positive she didn't have the support that she needed to deal with it. On the other hand, my dad has The. Best. Baby book. Ever! His mom died when he was a young teen but when he was younger, she wrote everything down. She wasn't anal about using the same perfect back pen every time. She didn't stay between the lines. If he said or did something amusing, she wrote it down. As I recall, she wrote about buying his first pair of cowboy boots in red ball point pen. And she kept the ink foot print for sizing. And the receipt too.

I found a new, slightly less taunting baby book, gathered everything together and started over today. That same page that bothered me before says "A Baby is Due!" in this new book. And why does the wording even matter when she is here already? I don't know, but it does. Sure, there's the hangup of how to fill out the sibling section. Do I? or Don't I? include Eli and Collin. I haven't. I don't want to scare the kids when they think about having their own babies, yet at the same time, I also don't want them to feel alone if, heaven forbid, they do have to deal with some of this.

So, soon I will be heading back to the dining room to continue filling out the information for the first five months of Miss Stella's life. And I will feel good about doing it!

It's not you, it's me

2010-09-11T16:21:00.000-07:00

It's why I've been quiet. I kept it 'real' before so I might as well continue...

The thing I feared most about finally having our "rainbow baby" seems to be raising its ugly head. And it's beyond humiliating to admit that after everything we went though to get her here I'm having a very hard time with it... not with her, just with everything else. I seem to have zero coping skills, anger quickly, sleeping is an issue both getting there and getting enough and with there being no other way to put it nicely, I'm generally pissed off most of the time. Just great.

For someone who hasn't been here before I'm feeling quite defeated. I should be happy and drowning in a sea of bliss with an adorable, happy baby in my arms. I have the baby part but the sea feels more like an abyss and then the guilt cycle starts. I know that I have friends* who would give anything to have their Rainbow. And I'm sure that there is already judgment being passed down because the high of the 'baby moon' is over. Feeling this way was acceptable when it was grief. Feeling like this... for no reason, is not. Especially to those around me who think I should just get over it or ride it out or it will pass or quit being a baby and suck it up. Nice. I can't stand to look at myself in the mirror or hear the words that come out of my mouth or the tone of my voice, 90% of the time.

I feel like I'm being dragged in multiple directions... but I'm not really. I certainly don't have much on my plate. I have one job, maybe two... a mom and a wife and I feel like I'm pretty much sucking at both of those right now. Don't get me wrong, the kids are clean and fed and safe. Anyway, I could go on and on I suppose, trying to explain but since I don't understand it, I don't expect anyone else to.

I probably won't be back to post much here until I get through this because honestly, this part of it is not going to make me a better person or teach me any valuable lesson, it just sucks and I really don't feel like remembering much about it. I'll still continue to post on my 365 blog since it doesn't involve much emotion but here, here I can't seem to get away from it.

*Friends, in reality, is quite an exaggerated term. People who I've 'met' online would be more accurate though I consider them friends I have come to realize that the term "friend" is not always reciprocal. I tend to refer to people as "friends" because it takes less time to explain than "this person that posts on the same board as I do... oh, you don't know what an online board is? well, it's this place where..." or "this person that I knew in high school, um, 15 years ago..." or "this person that used to be part of the same playgroup..." so in really looking at it, I don't have many friends. I had a few people who I thought were good friends and most of them freaked and walked out a couple years ago. That was sad. I understand that it's awkward dealing with that kind of stuff over and over again but a real friend would have stuck it out. I also realize that I tend to think of being better friends with people than they actually see me as being. (boo-hoo, poor me right?) Again just keeping the picture clear.

Three-Sixty-Five

2010-08-30T11:34:00.000-07:00

I know. I'm so not original. That said, I've jumped on the 365 bandwagon but I've decided to start it on a different blog because I want to be able to keep it all in one place and every time I log into this blog, I still have trouble kicking all of the emotion that lead me to start this blog in the first place.

I've only posted 2 entries so far, so... it's pretty short right now. But it is what it is - a challenge to blog and post a photo every single day (a bit different than the 365 photo challenge where I'm often left wondering "what's the story behind that photo?") and I'm going to try to keep it nice and light. If you have a 365 blog that you'd like me to link to or follow just let me know and if you've been thinking of starting one... what are you waiting for!? With back to school and the approaching fall, I thought this would be a great time of year to get things going again!

See you on the other side!

You can click the button and link up to the new blog and as this post moves down, I'll keep the button in my side bar as well.

C'est la vie!

2010-08-27T15:25:00.000-07:00

Hey so that "I can't wait for school to be out so I can enjoy the slow pace of summer" thing, yah that didn't work out exactly like I imagined. Sadly, I didn't take into account that 98% of the time, I would not get a nap out of both big kids - really, I think it was 2% of the time... they all napped at the same time a total of once this summer. C'est la vie!

Or perhaps that's just an excuse for not blogging hardly at all this summer. Pathetic. School starts in less than two weeks for Karleigh. Rylan starts in less than a month.

First things first, Stella hit her 4 month mark almost 2 weeks ago! Simply put - she's awesome. I've been trying, for her monthly photos, to take something different each month while documenting her personality or a milestone. This is her 4 month photo:

She loves her big brother and sister and also loves to support her weight on her legs. It allows her to get upright and see the world. Sitting would be a logical position as well but I have spent the last month joking about how sitting would be so much easier for her if her big ol' noggin didn't constantly tip her over. I didn't realize how right I was about that.

Stella's 4 month stats:
Weight: 15 pounds 7 ounces
Length: 24 1/4 inches
And a head circumference has been steadily increasing and is now off the charts. Big. Ol'. Noggin.

We are officially not at a "let's worry about that" phase but if, at her 6 month appointment, her head is still increasing at such a rapid pace, she will most likely undergo a head ultrasound. Ultrasound first to see if the benefit of exposing her to all the radiation of a CT scan would outweigh the risks. I'm already working overtime to keep my anxiety in check. It would worry me more, however, if she was having issues with reaching her milestones. But she's not. She's rolling over both ways, practicing sitting, smiling, laughing, putting everything that she can grab in her mouth, moving toys from one had to the other, playing with her toes... everything that she should be doing.

___________________________________________

I'm thinking of starting a new challenge for myself... a blog/photo 365 challenge??? I'm just trying to decide if I'm going to do it here or on a second blog that I link back to here. I've noticed that lately, when I blog, I have left so much time in between posts that there are about a million and one things that I want to touch on so it gets very scattered and boring... and that's to ME! I can't imagine the yawn factor for anyone else. Plus, I always prefer blog posts with photos so that may be a good way to work it all in. Left to my own devices, I've found that I've got very little... but that's partly due, I'm sure to other things going on. I sit down to write these days and it tends to flow as freely as mud stuck behind a log jam!

You are My Sunshine...

2010-08-10T21:21:00.000-07:00

...of course she isn't my ONLY sunshine but at this moment she's the only one who doesn't pull her shirt over her head or close her eyes when she sees the camera or have a big fat lip from falling out of her bed and onto a big pile of books the other night :) and she was having a particularly cute several minutes after waking up from a great 3 hour nap this afternoon that earned her rock star status in my book!

Time, it is a flyin'!

2010-08-07T15:28:00.000-07:00

I should have expected as much with the summer and three kiddos but still, I'm feeling a bit blindsided by how fast this summer is going (even though some of the days have seemed pretty long..). We've started our back-to-school shopping and with a glance around the property, you can tell that, before too long, this summer will be but a memory!

The blogging over the last few weeks has certainly taken a backseat to everything else going on. The short version... the weather has been less than summery, the big kids are missing school, Auntie Lacey is back stateside after 3 years in England (Uncle Mark will be back before we know it!) so she was here for about 2 weeks and life has just been going on and on and it seems that Stella is still changing every single day. It both been crazy and relaxing at the same time.

While Lacey was here, we went to the wildlife refuge, we shopped, we ate out, we shopped, we got coffee, we had a movie night, we shopped, we went to the park and the zoo, we got our hair cut, we shopped... you get the idea. I worked a bit at bringing "me" back along side the mom part of me and it was invaluable to have another opinion besides that of a 6 year old!

I have hardly had a chance to go through my pics and honestly, we spent most of the time visiting and enjoying each other and though we tried to get a few good pics, it seemed rare that everyone was "on" at the same time. Oh well!

The big kids, like I said, are missing school. They are both quite smart (every parent thinks that though) - at 4 1/2 Rylan has figured out how to read which is his big summer accomplishment. But even with this, he's also spending much of his time trying to keep his mind busy. He's not reading enough to where he can just sit with a book and read. I'm looking forward to that time though! You can just see everything clicking away in his little mind which is great. However, at the same time, when he gets bored he gets a bit... um... difficult. Not a trouble maker or a bad kid by any stretch of the imagination just different than what we've been used to with him. He was an easy baby, a mellow toddler for the most part so this phase (that has seemed pretty long) has been kind of draining for me. He's very sweet but is also really experimenting with exerting his independence, voicing his opinions and testing his boundaries and our consistency. That's normal and to be expected but I'm having a very hard time figuring out what his currency is and trust me, I feel like I've tried everything. On the bright side he's not testing us 100% of the time so we do still have fun with him!

Karleigh's very helpful with Stella and Rylan. She likes to feel important, just like everyone, so keeping her helping around the house keeps her happy. Give her a bunch of Clorox wipes, a dust rag and a broom and we're golden. She however is going through a (what we perceive as irrational) fears phase. She doesn't like to be alone, inside or outside. She doesn't like the dark or the sound of the toilet flushing. She's quite the little environmentalist and things that she loved last year, now terrify her. I'm not exaggerating. While Lacey was here, we had a bob cat wander through the field just below the house. She loved seeing it but at the same time, it totally freaked her out. She ended up crying while trying to go to sleep because she couldn't let the thought of the bob cat go. The next day she woke up and was covered in a hive like, blotchy rash. Anxiety induced. We looked up videos of bob cats purring on the internet, talked about how grandma has had several students bring in bob cats for show-and-tell throughout the years, how she's seen them at the zoo before, how they are very shy predators... she woke up the next morning totally fine. However, we're dealing with similar fears again because we have a confirmed black bear on the property as well too. I feel it's important that they know not to be afraid but what to do if they do happen to see the bear while they are outside. I feel to NOT educate them would be negligent, no different than teaching water safety if you live on or are around the water... stranger danger in the city... it's just part of living where we do. Last year she was IN LOVE with the black bears we saw at Glacier and Bear Haven. She would. not. sleep until we put Stella down in their room. Although just the other afternoon, as we were setting things up to move Stella into their room, Karleigh got teary because she was afraid that Stella would stop breathing while she was sleeping in there. *sigh* ...too much for a 6 1/2 year old to be thinking about. So, I need to figure out how to help her work through these fears. I remember being afraid to crawl into bed when it was dark for fear of "something" grabbing my ankles or being afraid to go into the downstairs bedroom of this house in the dark, but that's because one night my grandpa "peek-a-boo'd" right in the window and I totally didn't expect it at all. So, now I've got to try to figure out how to help her work through this anxiety.

Little Miss Stella is just blossoming. I think there's something to the idea that it's more like 4 trimesters... I know, mathematically, that doesn't make sense but the idea is that they really start to show their personalities and get more physically active after the 3 month mark. Yes a few days ago, she moved into the room with Karleigh and as far as she's concerned, that's been a seamless transition. She's still sleeping from 11 or so until around 8am. She's also napping in there and I'm thrilled to say that I'm even able to put her down awake but drowsy and have her sleep!

She's babbling and belly laughing, rolling and taking everything in around her. We got her a jumperoo yesterday and she loves it. I love that it gives me a few more minutes to get a few things done around the house and it doesn't add to the bald spot on the back of her head like playing on the floor does!

I was so funny to see the way she looked at Jim once he got it put together and set her in it. She kept looking at him like "THIS!?! All of this for me???" Cutest thing ever!

All in all, we've done a few fun things around here. We'll be heading up to my parent's house in a few days and then it's back down here for doctors and dentist appointments and getting ready for school to start! It feels like before we know it, I'll be posting Halloween pics!

3 months

2010-07-15T20:46:00.000-07:00

It seems that I was just posting the photo and announcing Stella's safe arrival and now she's three months old. The joy certainly hasn't faded at all and we fall more in love with her every day!

I mean really, how could we not?!?

So what's Stella like at 3 months?
She's weighing in at about 14 pounds
She squeals with delight and also just to hear herself "talk"
She's really working onto a good, predictable schedule and is a great sleeper at night but a fairly light sleeper for naps
She's full of smiles and readily shares them
She rarely fusses.
She goes from "chill" to... um... not, with very little warning
She loves to cuddle with blankets and nibble on the corners

She is still not a fan of tummy time but can now, purposefully, roll herself right over. She's rolled a number of times from tummy to back but mostly because she's gotten up high enough for her big ol' noggin to pull her over but today it's been with purpose every time!

The weather has been so great so we've all been spending a lot of time outside and enjoying the vitamin D. Karleigh is feeling much, much better after being sick for almost a full week.

And Rylan, well he's just being his goofy self =)

July!

2010-07-10T11:16:00.000-07:00

It's July in the Pacific Northwest... which means that the summer weather arrived right after the 4th of July. It's a running joke that summer starts on the 5th of July, but that's usually pretty accurate. We're a third of the way into it and it really feels like we're in the swing of summer things. The a/c is in, the shades have been pulled far too much the last few days, the freezer is stocked with Otter Pops, ice cream and ice disks for our shaved ice maker thingy. We are weak. We are wimps. Our weather took about a 40 degree swing in 3 days time. From 60 to 100... that's tough on the body.

Anyway, here is just a peek into what's been going on:

Karleigh turned 6 1/2 on the 1st. I like to mark the "half's" for her since there's so much other stuff, with the holidays, around her birthday. She has really grown up so much!

We spent the 4th of July at our house again this year. Even when it's only 60 degrees, there's still anxiety being away from the place with all the fields + fireworks. My parents came down and we all headed out to the farm where we go pumpkin picking. They were celebrating the 100th birthday of the farm (ours is 101 but who's counting!?!). They had the log house open to walk through, some logging photos, the black smith shop running, a hay ride to a steam logging exhibition and then a woods walk. The big kids loved it, my parents seemed to enjoy themselves, Stella slept through the whole thing so we, for sure, file that in the win column. We spent a good 4 hours there and then headed home for dinner and fireworks.

With the sun shining bright and the temperatures on the rise, I was finally able to dry diapers outside on the line. I find it such a calming sight - it is possible that I'm nuts, I know - and the sun is like magic for brightening and whitening and doesn't cost a cent. However, after the inserts were dry, I did tumble them in the dryer because dang they were crunchy!

We also got the inflatable pool set up for the kids and they are thrilled to have it up again. Sadly, Karleigh hasn't gotten to use it as much as she has wanted because she's been sick for the last few days. She had a chest cold combined with allergies then on the 4th complained of her tummy feeling yucky but said that the Tums I gave her helped. She ended up a full blown sicko on the 7th and now, on the 10th is finally on the mend. She threw up so much, lost at least 4 pounds and managed to pull a muscle in her hip from all the rolling over on her side to throw up. She's moving pretty slow because of that and her totally worked over stomach muscles but the attitude is one thousand times better so she's on the upswing.

Stella's gotten to enjoy the pool a few times too once the sun goes down behind the trees. There's just something about tiny bathing suits that makes me so happy!

And today here I sit, reflecting on not only the last 2 1/2 years, as we approach the due dates for the boys... Collin's tomorrow and Eli's in a few weeks... but also the last 11 years as Jim and I celebrate our 11th Wedding Anniversary today. It's a day that I remember so well, like yesterday almost, yet the shock sets in a bit when I look at how young we looked - not that we're THAT old now - but to see our little flower girl now a high school student, our ring bearer a legal adult and all the other changes that have happened in the lives of not just us but our wedding party, it does put it into perspective.

Happy Anniversary to the greatest husband. I'm not sure that anyone else would have been able to go through this journey with me without so much as a hiccup in the relationship. I'd have to say that our marriage is very blessed!

Poor Neglected Blog

2010-06-29T15:33:00.000-07:00

I'm a bit torn when it comes to blogging.

Number one, I am spending my "free" time being a mom to a 6 1/2 year old, a 4 1/2 year old and a 2 1/2 month old. There has been the rare occasion that they are all napping/resting at the same time but the emphasis is on RARE. And when they are, I turn into a freakish house cleaner. Sadly, as soon as they awake, it seems that all the hard work was for not. And also, blogging one handed takes a really long time!

Number two, this blog was a safe place to share my thoughts and feelings about dealing with pregnancy loss and infertility that it seems a bit strange to share the thoughts of "good" things and for it to be a daily "what's up!" kind of blog. I feel sad for my friends who haven't been able to go down this part of the road yet. I'm trying to decide if I should just get over that or start a new "happy" blog???

Number three, the good weather has finally, sort of, arrived in the Pacific Northwest so we've been trying to get out and about. We also had Jim's parents in town for a while and visited my parents and Seattle for a Mariners vs. Cubs game, etc.

Now that that's out in the open, hopefully I will be better at keeping caught up... or not, we'll see! The good news is that I also tend to blog less when I feel like I'm in a good place, so I really shouldn't be complaining that I haven't been writing a lot. :)

2 Months!

2010-06-17T22:16:00.000-07:00

It's almost hard to believe that Miss Stella is already two month's old. But, she is!

A bit about this time for Stella:
- weighs 11 pounds 15 ounces
- 23 inches in length
- loves to smile and squeal with delight
- will cough or squeak to get your attention
- sleeps about 8 hours per night, usually from 11pm until 7am
- very chill and loves to be held and/or worn and cuddled
- doesn't really love tummy time so she'll push herself up and roll over to her back or plant her forehead into the floor and screech
- won't take any pacifier but will suck on our finger or her hand
- she adores her brother and sister and the feeling is mutual

Almost Wordless Wednesday...

2010-06-09T15:08:00.000-07:00

Love this little girl and the personality that is starting to shine through!

It's Normal

2010-05-28T22:12:00.000-07:00

I know what I went through yesterday was totally normal mommy stuff. I'm sure it won't be the last time that I feel like a parental failure. And it's not even so much that I feel like a failure but that I feel like I was being looked at as a failure or that I must be hiding some big bad secret about our home life. Nope. I'm a pretty open book and I think that my kids have it pretty good. I just wish that the thought that maybe the stress isn't coming from home, maybe it's coming from school would have been considered. Or maybe he's just a 4 year old little boy with a lot of little boy energy. I used to suck on my hair. I chew the skin on the sides of my fingers. I can't just sit and be still. I have to be reading or researching or working on something. Sometimes I can't find the words that I want. My mind is always going. Jim bounces his feet. He twirls hair. He bites his fingernails. We tend to be the type of people that need something to do. I guess our little apple just doesn't fall too far from the tree. Anyway, he's done with school on June 11th and doesn't start back until September 20th. Over three months of vacation that we can work on redirecting some of that energy and his speech. We'll probably let him chew a bunch of gum and play the copy cat game a lot. He enjoys both of those...

So, we're just normal.

Today it poured down rain. Again. I know we live in the lush, green Pacific Northwest but man we've really had a very cold, wet spring. When I was still pregnant with Stella, I had all these little day dreams about having her outside while I weeded, or put her in the shade while I soaked up some vitamin D... those days have been few and far between and instead they've been spent doing lots and lots of laundry and dishes and cleaning up toys over and over again because we're just not getting much outdoor time at all. I was doing dishes again this afternoon and just had to laugh. I had the washer and dryer going, Stella strapped on, was doing dishes, listening to the ipod and as much as there was going on, I felt oddly centered and calm. I thought "I bet I look like a total loon." Standing and bouncing the baby while singing (poorly I'm sure) her to sleep and attempting to scrub dried on oatmeal out of bowls... I decided to set my camera on the dining room table and set the timer. It's funny to me that I don't even want to forget the mundane things...

If this is the anxiety provoking stress and chaos, I don't think I want to "fix" it.

Suck

2010-05-27T20:43:00.000-07:00

Tonight is a sucky mommy night.

The short version is: I had Rylan's IEP meeting today. Not "we" because, understandably, they didn't want Rylan to sit through it so Jim was at home waiting for the buses. It was just your basic, see what his improvements were this year and talk about the plan for next year. He's on an IEP for speech and his speech IS improving. This time last year, he had 36 phenome errors. This year he had 19 during the assessment. He's still having trouble with his blended sounds, he drops his s's quite often, etc. etc. none of it came as a surprise to me but it was nice to see the actual number improve. So, yay! Great job Rylan and good job Speech Language Pathologist!

He's very intelligent, gets along with others, has incredible fine motor skills...

But... "you know, he licks his lips, stutters, chews on his fingers and clothes, blinks his eyes a lot, has a tough time keeping his voice at a reasonable volume..." Um, yah. We've noticed that a. lot. and I guess I asked for it when I requested that we address ways to help him diminish those nervous activities. So instead they just repeated what they told me when I asked about how to help those things earlier... 1)respond to what he is saying NOT how he is saying it 2) give him your attention when he has something to say 3) get down on his level 4) reduce stress/discipline. Here's the thing... we do all of that all the time unless he's interrupting and that should be expected. Plus that's one of the areas he needs to work on when we discussed social skills, but I digress...

As the SLP elaborated, the solution that I heard: quit being so tough on him, don't send him to timeout so much (doesn't matter what he's doing, pick just one thing that is punishable - ok, right, so timeout for hitting but I guess we'll just allow the spitting, yelling, talking back, throwing toys, kicking the dog, ignoring us, being defiant - he's 4, trust me, the list goes on) stop stressing him out at home, make sure things around him are peaceful and organized and calm...

It's a good thing that calm, mellow Stella was sitting so quietly in her infant seat as usual.
Oh wait, that's right... she screamed.
the.
entire.
time.

She started crying as soon as I set her down. So I took her out and she started fussing and crying louder. The principal (who was the district representative for the meeting) took her and walked her around the classroom while the other two talked to me but she just got herself all worked up.
By the end of the meeting, I was sweating like a pig and just wanted to sob with her. Instead, we calmly walked back to the van and I let her suck ;)

Anyway, they're cutting him back to 3 days a week next year... speech days and library day. If the schedule is the same as this year, that means Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday afternoons. After some thought, I'm actually OK with that. It'll give us some non-Karleigh time (which has proven to be very good for him since she's a "tad" bossy) plus, that'll be two week days that I'll be able to get Karleigh off to school in the morning and not have to worry about getting home until almost 4pm. It will be fine. Plus, things need to change around here. I don't know how, I feel like I've tried everything but you know... if timeouts are out...

*cough cough* perhaps IEP meetings should not be attended when you're six weeks postpartum... mom could be a little hormonal. But it's there in black and white, hormones or not.

I feel like such a sucky mom. He's smart as a whip because HE'S smart. He has speech problems because of things that I'M doing wrong.

Awesome.

Wordless Wednesday

2010-05-20T14:19:00.000-07:00

Oh... it's not Wednesday huh? Yah. I was hoping no one would notice. :) Hopefully it's a great Thursday!

Being Thursday, Stella's now 5 weeks or 35 days old... that sounds younger right? What's she up to? She's becoming more animated and starting to chunk up. I do think she's just about the cutest 10 pound bundle out there. Her eyes are getting lighter, her hair is filling in, her days are spent more awake though she's got a great schedule going on already (all her doing, I would have no idea how to put a kiddo on a schedule and probably wouldn't even try). She's sleeping anywhere between 6 1/2 and 7 1/2 hours straight at night. I certainly don't take the fact that I've been blessed with 3 really great sleepers for granted. She thoroughly enjoys the outdoors but at this point is much more content walking/hiking than she is to just lie out on a blanket. Could be that there's some slight fear for her own life between the the two bigguns and the dog bouncing all around her... but who's to say? ;-) She gets the hiccups every day and isn't a fan of them. She enjoys her swing when she just wants to chill but would prefer to snuggle. She loves listening to stories and hates pacifiers - if you know how the big kids were you're probably thinking "wha? wha? WHAT?!?" Yes it's true. Detests them. Spits them out and glares at the offender. She however loves to suck on an index finger or mommy... and I'm a pretty slow one handed typer but this blog post is proof that it can be done. She's awesome.

The big kids have 20 days of school left - not that they're counting... and then the summer fun can start. It's been hard to get out much this year with a bus coming at around 11, one at 12, one returning close to 3 and the other at 4. The kids sat down yesterday and wrote a "summer ideas" list of things both big and small from jumping rope to go to the beach. I really don't want to hear a lot of "I'm bored!" this summer. So, we'll check out some new parks in the county and hopefully get out a lot more than we have during the school year. But that's the point of summer vacation isn't it?

Also, if we get out more... perhaps these blog posts won't be so dang boring!

Catching Up

2010-05-11T22:03:00.000-07:00

Snuggling... sure doesn't leave a whole lot of time for blogging! Although I always seem to find just enough time for Facebook...

Life with Stella is still a wonderful blessing. (of course it is!) We have slipped into a routine that works for us and feels totally natural and like it's the way it always should have been. That part leaves me feeling a bit strangely conflicted at times. I'm SO glad to have her here. She fits wonderfully into our family. That doesn't mean that I'm "glad" for all the losses that we went through but at the same time I know that without them, she wouldn't be here. That's where the conflict lies. I also feel like (and I really shouldn't let this next part bother me at. all.) but I do feel like people may look at this and think "gee, you've totally forgotten the boys and the others. Well, no I haven't, but I really don't want to miss one single moment of "what IS" pining over "what COULD have been".

I think because of what we've gone through, we are a bit more thankful, joyful, and bonded to Stella than if we hadn't gone through it all. Sure, she's (living) baby number three but far from the 'oops!' that someone at the grocery store might assume and we're far from the 'baby making machines' that someone at the park might scoff at. We fought long and hard for her. Because of that fight I find that I'm much more patient with her. I don't grumble when she needs to eat in the middle of the night (although she's also treating me quite kindly and sleeping really well. She went from 11pm - 5:30am this morning... until I prodded her to make sure she was still breathing) so I'm sure that not being exhausted helps my coping skills. Anyway, I am really enjoying every little thing about her. Being a more experienced momma and really working so hard to get her here has been a good (mental) combination for me. But a bad combination for blogging! ;-)

As you might imagine, Mother's Day this year was so nice... a sigh of relief really. The weather was beautiful, Stella started passing out little grins first thing in the morning which was an incredible gift. Jim gave me some flowers, Karleigh made a card and a bookmark, Rylan made a card and a couple of magnets (love the handmade gifts!) and my momma got me a darling Coach purse perfect for spring and summer. I know, right!?! It was so much better than last year when I ended up crying myself to sleep.

I've just been spending a whole lot of time doing... nothing. We cuddle. A. Lot! I'm trying to stay on top of the house work though I will confess that laundry is tough for me to keep up with so I haven't been using our cloth diapers as much as I had hoped but now that she's getting a bit bigger we'll be able to use them more. (fingers crossed!)

It's really strange to be moving on from such a long chapter of our lives. We've basically been thinking "kids" since we were married almost 11 years ago. It is strange knowing that we (probably) won't have another pregnancy and each day we move one day further away from labor and delivery and all things newborn. Granted, she IS still a newborn but she changes and grows every day. I'm just going to continue working on doing my best to embrace every single moment and appreciate the excitement of moving forward and watching her grow and change.

I'm hoping to share some more pics asap, Stella's getting a set of cheeks on her, Karleigh's finally growing in that other front tooth and Rylan is just cute as usual!

Changes

2010-05-03T22:36:00.000-07:00

It's really incredible how much can happen in one little week, the changes that take place, the growth...

This last week Stella had her 2 week appointment. She weighed 8 pounds 5 ounces and was 20 1/2 inches long. That's a gain of 8 ounces and 1/4 inch. Not too shabby for 14 days of growth! The day before her 2 week appointment she had a photo shoot which was an absolute blast. A gal who I've known for 4 years now offered to bring her props out and we both got some really cute shots along with me getting to have some grown up chit-chat. It was much appreciated. This is one where we used the doll cradle, from the girls' room, that my great grandpa made and our family has passed down.

The big kids are doing really well with Stella. Rylan's going through a bit of an acting out, crazy boy phase but that started before Stella arrived. Karleigh's been a bit more emotional but really, they're doing quite well all things considered. Having a new baby in the house is a big adjustment for them, it could be going so much worse.

Stella changes every. single. day. This week... she stayed awake for longer periods during the day, met her Uncle David and her great aunt and uncle, started giving us one good 5 hour stretch of sleep at night, successfully took her first pumped bottle, went to her first Daisy Scout meeting, she grew teeny tiny eyelashes...

...and gained her new belly button...

So, What's It Like?

2010-04-27T21:31:00.000-07:00

I know that's the question that would run through my head when I would read about my friends and their rainbow babies / take home babies. For me? It's totally amazing, incredible, wonderful, blissful...

Seriously. I love it. I love her!

Honestly, I had a lot of anxiety that I might have bonding issues, or emotional issues, or that the grief would all come rushing back. It hasn't been like that at all, thankfully. I mean if it was like that, I would work through it but I feel very blessed to not have to, and so thankful that I can just enjoy Stella and the miracle that she is. OK... I did have to choke back tears as we were walking in the house for the first time. The sun was shining, we were buzzed by two hummingbirds and Jim said "Say hi to your brothers, Stella!" And also as we climbed the stairs to bed that first night. More so for the fact that without all the loss I wouldn't have been snuggling our day old daughter at that point but there was also a small pang of grief in my gut. With a sigh, it lifted.

Transitioning her into our family has been pretty easy. The "big kids" were a bit off for the first couple days but I chalk that up to being tired as much as anything else. Now, 12 days later, they're helpful and back to their "normal" selves. We'll keep normal in quotes :) Stella's a mellow, easy going kid so far. She generally lets us sleep in 4 hour stretches at night and naps for a couple hours at a time during the day. Nursing is going really well which is a relief since I was so taken aback when, after a great experience with Karleigh, Rylan was so difficult.

I realized that I don't think I mentioned that her hear murmur was undetectable by the pediatrician on her second day. So we were very, very thankful for that. Our newest concern with her is that when she spits up, it often comes out her nose and/or she chokes it back down. She sounds stuffy quite often but that's probably from the spit-up. She sneezes a ton, again probably the spit up. She's generally a really happy, content baby so I'm hoping it's really just newborn-getting-used-to-the-outside-world stuff and not something more like reflux or a milk protein allergy but those are both on my radar right now and I've been praying about it.

But really, she's simply wonderful and everything about our new family feels really, really perfect.

What a Week!

2010-04-22T13:09:00.000-07:00

I didn't know it was possible for a week to go by with such great speed. I realized that I should probably write down Stella's birth story before I forget the details. I could, and HAVE, just spent hours on end holding and snuggling her without any regard to time. I do wish it would slow down just a little bit (I guess that makes up for all the times I wished time would speed up).

Wednesday night, April 14th, my water broke on its own a little after 10pm. I was lying in bed but on blankets because I had just been feeling "off" the whole day. I had spent the last 2 weeks with off and on contractions that would be around 5 minutes apart but after 6 hours or so, they would peter out. But on the 14th, emotionally I just felt different too. It was actually a bit of a depressive state which was odd. Anyway, after my water broke I came straight downstairs and Jim was headed up. He said that he heard me jump off the bed and knew that something was up. So, we gathered our things, I called my friend Jamie who had so graciously offered to take Karleigh and Rylan regardless of the hour. I called my mom and let her know. Turns out that she would be able to get a sub for her class but only if she needed her on Thursday, Friday or Monday. That worked out well! Then we called the hospital to let them know we'd be heading in. Jim woke the kids. Karleigh sprung out of bed totally excited. Rylan looked at him said "OK", rolled over and went back to sleep. :) We walked out to the van, Karleigh holding my hand and telling me I could squeeze it if I had a contraction. And that's when I had my first one. Since we didn't lolly gag around like I did when my water broke with Rylan, the ride to the hospital was actually not all that uncomfortable for once! They were probably about 5-6 minutes apart but not too terribly strong yet. We got the kids to Jamie's house and she had set up a whole area in the living room for them to try to sleep.

We checked into L&D at 11:15pm. Everything was ready for us. My nurse commented that she would need to do a pH test just to make sure it was my water and then she laughed and said "yah, I'm not going to need that" as she checked me out a bit more. I KNEW there was a reason I was so uncomfortably huge those last couple weeks! We sat on the monitor a bit, got checked out and I was around 4 cm so I decided to walk the halls for a while. Believe it or not, this type A, have everything planned out, person did not go into this delivery with a single plan in place. I had a few thoughts in the back of my head but my birth plan merely consisted of "get her here, alive". Anyway, I labored for a while on my own, with tons of kudos from the nurses, but ultimately I opted for the epidural. I wanted everything in place in case of an emergency. It is a bit sad how history played a part in how it went but my ONLY goal was Stella's safe arrival. I got my epidural around 2am and my mom showed up just as he was finishing up. My contraction pattern was great on its own so I didn't need any pitocin which was nice. For the next few hours, Jim cat-napped and mom and I chatted and tried to rest a bit (yah, right!).

Around 6:45 I decided it was baby time. Pushing though my first contraction felt a bit useless. I could feel it all in my face and I knew that wasn't where I needed to be pushing. We let a second contraction pass and then I pushed through the next three contractions. Between the second and the third, I could hear the nurse on my right side, talking to a nursing student about heart rate decels, I turned and looked at the heart rate tracing and my head went to "that place". Needless to say, Stella was born at 7:00am with the next contraction. :) She was beautiful, and cheesy, and had a ton (speaking from a baldy) of almost black hair.

And she was perfect...

(don't forget to pause the music at the bottom before you click play and sorry about the format difference between the way I created it and the way Blogger publishes it... good gravy! it took me way. too. long. to figure the video portion out!)

Welcome Stella Claire!

2010-04-15T22:02:00.000-07:00

Stella Claire

April 15th, 2010

7:00am

7 pounds 13 ounces

20 1/4" long

She is beautiful (and has a ton of nearly black hair under that hat!) and happy and everything that we had hoped for and more. We are drinking up every new moment with her and looking forward to the future with such joy. She does have a small heart murmur that we are praying will resolve itself and I'm not going to worry unless I'm told that there's something to worry about. I will write up her birth story in the next few days (mainly so I don't forget!) but right now we are relaxing, getting ready to eat a little cheesecake and then turn in for the night.

This is bliss!

It's Been a Week?

2010-04-09T15:36:00.000-07:00

Hum, looks like it's been a week since I last posted.
What a slacker.
You would think that I'd have time to blog since I'm basically just sitting around here waiting for Stella to quit teasing me and make her entrance into this world. Because really? That's. All. I've. Been. Doing. But also doing it in a very hermit crab sort of way. Hard to explain.

We survived Spring Break. Which really was a blessing because the weather was quite cold, and wet, and just yucky. We spent nearly the entire time inside watching movies, playing games, etc. etc. Jim had to work the whole week so we really couldn't go anywhere and I wouldn't have gone far anyway since I've been having prodromal labor for over a week now. That's just a nice way of saying, "lots of contractions with zero action". However, when it gets going it still wears me out and keeps me wondering, "is THIS it this time?" So far? No.

My mom had her Spring Break this week so she came down for a couple of days and got to enjoy our snow. I know. Snow. April. Blah. For the last several days it has snowed all morning long and then the sun has come out in the afternoon.

Of course this leaves me thinking about little Stella's come home outfit... which isn't exactly snow friendly. Of course it really doesn't matter but I decided that I wanted to get a little knit/crochet beanie, ideally with a little flower on it to match her outfit. While walking the mall yesterday, before my appointment, I did find a cute one at particular larger retailer but A) wasn't ready to fork over $26 for B) a hat that didn't match and C) was going to be too big for a newborn. It was cute though. So we just continued to walk the mall and I beat myself up about how I should have just ordered one from Etsy several days ago blah, blah, blah. Anyway, the mall walking was getting uncomfortable and we were getting close to my appointment time so we just headed over to the docs office which is connected to the hospital.
And got there way too early.
So we decided to make sure that we know where we need to go when since I was in a total fog the last time I was there. When we got to the correct floor there was a little baby only gift shop, separate from the regular hospital gift shop. Aha! Surely they have a cute little hat. So we went in and looked around but still didn't really see what I had been looking for. But then, there on the counter was a box of hats, the perfect size. And one the perfect color.
"Excellent! How much is this one?"
"It's free"
"Really?"
"Yup, go ahead and take it now!"
"Serious?"
"Yup, the church ladies bring them in by the bag full"

Love this little hat. I added the flower to it after we got home.

So cool! So we got our hat and headed off to my appointment. No weight gain this week. BP is still good and although I was hoping for 'more' after days of contractions and walking the mall, I was at 3cm and about 50% effaced or so. More waiting. Of course he thinks that once things start they're going to go very fast which is the part that has me kind of anxious because after all this on again, off again stuff, I'm really worried about waiting too long to see if it's for real! I'm sure it will all work out in the end and if not, well, then at least I'll have an interesting story to tell!

Friday Fotos!

2010-04-02T16:55:00.000-07:00

I don't have a whole lot to say. Clearly, "baby" is just about all that's on my mind now that I'm technically full term and more pregnant at this point that I ever was with Rylan. Now begins the guessing game of "was that a real contraction or not?" and wondering when it's going to happen.

I'm so glad to have Spring Break just about over. It's been nice not having to worry about getting the kids ready for school and on and off their buses but the weather has just not been cooperative so they've been inside far too much and everyone is getting on everyone elses nerves. They actually start out pretty good for a while but it can quickly decline. Honestly, I'm sure they're picking up on my nerves as well so I'm having to try really, really hard to be more willing to put up with their antics but... I'm tired and I'm sure there's been too much yelling from me too. And honestly, at this point, it's actually more like they're teaming up against me. I guess that's better than them being at each others throats all day long. They are ready to get back to school though as they both check the calender every morning and remind me of the count-down throughout the day.

There is still lots of this:

which quickly turns into this:

so I really can't complain! (and in fairness, these are from yesterday, not today)

A little bit from the baby/pregnancy department... I had an appointment on Wednesday where we talked about the itching, since it's not just normal belly itching, Dr. C was on-top of things and sent me down for blood work to check my liver functions and had the results the next day. Good news is, everything came back normal so it's just some weird hormonal itching I suppose.

Impatient!

2010-03-29T21:53:00.000-07:00

I'm an impatient person. There. Now that that's out of the way!

I'm really looking forward to the end of this long, long journey. I've said it before and I will say it again... I'm not trying to wish time away but considering I've been pregnant for almost 2 1/2 years straight, I'm so ready for the sleep deprivation that a new little one brings as opposed to the stress and worry and anxiety. We're ready for her when she is. Diapers are prepped, tiny clothes are washed, cradle is set up in our room, infant seat is installed in the van... yup, I think we've pretty much got it all under control.

My body is getting pretty tired too, as is to be expected at this point. Stella's feeling pretty big to me and my tummy feels stretched to the point where it's just as solid as can be. The last two nights have also given me the gift of extreme itchiness - hands, feet, arms, belly, back, scalp. Weird stuff. I have to wonder if it isn't cholestasis and I'll ask at my appointment on Wednesday. Benadryl doesn't help the itching but it does knock me out enough that I'm able to get a couple hours of sleep in there until I have to get up and use the bathroom. And then there's the rolling over in bed. I often feel like a semi-truck trying to make a 12 point turn in the middle of a one lane road. Other than that though, I really have felt pretty good... not good enough to go on like this forever though :)

The kids are on Spring Break this week and it's been pouring down rain. The last nice day was the day that I was stuck inside with the flu. We've had lots of tea parties, played games, rotated out toys - they played with Little People today! puzzles, movies, stories. I've also been making sure that they take some quiet time in their own rooms. They're used to having a break from each other (and me) and it really does help keep the attitudes in line. During rest time today, I decided to take my 36 week picture... a bit late but better than nothing. Holy cow I feel like I look huge compared to just 2 weeks ago!

When she's ready, we'll get to meet her and I'm really, really looking forward to it!

This & That...

2010-03-25T17:51:00.000-07:00

What a week.

I was on a roll for accomplishing so much and feeling really good about it. I finally got our bags packed for the hospital, most of the house projects are done now, Karleigh got the flu and had to stay home from school on Monday but she just vegged on the sofa and I got a ton of cleaning done. Tuesday afternoon I managed to paint Rylan's floor, a table for the girls' room, wash Rylan's walls, clean the bathrooms and got a bunch of laundry done. Then Rylan got sick on Tuesday night just as we were crawling into bed. Luckily his Spring Break started Tuesday afternoon. Jim felt nasty on Tuesday as well and by Wednesday, I was wiped out with it. Thankfully, everyone had Wednesday off. I had to cancel my OB appointment, lost almost 5# and spent several hours with painful contractions, 5 minutes apart. Of course, that was just due to the dehydration. I've been feeling a bit better today but believe it or not, even the dog threw up today. Awesome.

The kids are both officially on Spring Break now so hopefully I'll be able to keep up with everything that I've done. I'm feeling pretty good about what's done. All of the "have to's" are done and most of the "want to's" are done as well so now it's hurry up and wait and try to come up with little things to keep me busy.

And in a brag, Karleigh got her second report card today. I'm so proud of her, her marks were pretty incredible. Now I see why her teacher said that she might be a bit bored in class. The end of year benchmark for reading is level B. They do have books labeled level C that she has been bringing home to practice on but she generally just chooses her own books in her room to read. When I looked at her reading level on her report card... F! No wonder she's bored and squirly during reading time.

Sorry for the boring post, not much to write about when you're sick and just waiting for something a "bit" more exciting to happen! Oh and it looks like you can vote once per 24 hours in that belly pic contest but I'm not holding my breath nor even thinking about it much at all. I'm just thankful to have a baby belly right now!

A Contest!!!

2010-03-22T09:31:00.001-07:00

So, I entered a photo contest about 6 hours before the deadline the other day. Turns out, my picture was chosen to be a finalist. Eh, it has nothing do to with my photography but my belly instead! How fun, right?!

Anyway I'm begging, pleading, er, kindly asking that you go to this site: http://www.babygizmo.com/vote to vote. You can only vote once per IP address per 24 hour period and it is a fairly short voting period, ending at 10:00pm (CST) Friday, April 2, 2010.

The prize is not fame nor fortune ;) but instead a fun piece of baby gear, and a great story for Baby Stella.

So, here I am, shamelessly begging... Please go VOTE!!! for me and baby Stella at 30 weeks! Feel free to re-share on your Facebook or Blog too. Hey, it gives you something to write about ;)

Muah!

I'm Tired!

2010-03-21T20:45:00.000-07:00

No surprise really though is it? It's a lot of work growing another little person and taking care of the two little people who can voice their demands (quite loudly at that). I'm certainly not complaining though. I'm thrilled to be "tired".

____________________________________

Some "highlights" of the last few days... (I'm sure this will be quite boring)
We had some sunshine! I was able to chase the kids and the dog outside and I was able to clean carpets. They played "doggy daycare" for hours and had a picnic outside. The crate isn't normally outside which is why it was so great! I had moved it out so I could clean the area rug and mop the floor in the guest room/office :)

Poor kids though. Rylan had to stay home from school just the day before because his eyes were blood shot and producing that ooky goo at an alarming rate. So we got him in to make sure that it was viral and not bacterial. Thank goodness it was just viral and has run its course really quickly. He did get a nice long day with just mom and dad though which was fun for him. Jim took most of the day off and Karleigh was busy with school, a birthday party and Daisy Scouts until 8 that night. One on one time is great, it's just so hard to create those opportunities. Looking at Karleigh... well, she was sick as a dog less than 18 hours later. She'll be staying home from school tomorrow which she is NOT happy about but she has some sort of tummy virus that she needs to get over.

____________________________________

I've basically just been working on getting everything situated for "go time", whenever that is. I finally went ahead and finished packing the bags tonight. It's interesting, with Karleigh I didn't really get all that anxious. Her due date was January 1st, that's when I expected her and that's when she came. Then came Rylan, 3 weeks early, I don't even remember if my bags were packed. I know his was and I know that we had installed his infant seat about 12 hours earlier. So now I want to make sure that I'm ready to go and at the same time, don't want to get too anxious because each baby has his or her own schedule.

____________________________________

Earlier in the week, Karleigh had a "job parade" through the school as an ending to their jobs unit. She decided that she wanted to be a mail carrier for purposes of the unit. I'm pretty happy with how her costume turned out. I also love that Jim helped to sew her mail bag!

Of course, now the hat and the bag are used for her "doggy daycare" :)

____________________________________

Monday was a nice start to the week and I got a chance - correction - finally made the time, to meet up with one of my friends from high school for coffee and to pick up a tummy time mat for Stella since her girls are past that stage. Ahhh, I miss adult (girl) conversation!

____________________________________

Spring break basically starts for the kids this coming week. Rylan is off starting Wednesday through Easter Sunday and Karleigh goes Monday (except she doesn't since she's sick!), Tuesday and then Thursday morning and then it's break time for her. We have nothing planned which is kind of a bummer. I was hoping to make it up to my parents and to Seattle but I've been given the "stay close" instructions from my doc. Speaking of which, I have another appointment on Wednesday. It's getting close which really feels good most of the time but there are still times where the anxieties kick in and I can't actually picture coming home with a baby. But most of the time... most of the time I can!

34 weeks

2010-03-12T17:19:00.000-08:00

It feels so close and yet so far! I'm not sure I'm looking any different from the last few weeks but I'm feeling different so I guess that counts for something.

There were some things that I thought I would have done by this point like...
Professional maternity photos. We've never done them before and this obviously (unless something totally bizarre happens) is our last opportunity.
3D/4D ultrasound to get a fun quick peek at the little bit. I thought for sure we would have made an appointment but again, we didn't get around to it and now the poor girl is so low and getting big enough that the images really wouldn't be all that good.
Family trip. I thought that perhaps we would have made a trip to the beach for the 4 of us to have some "us" time before baby.
... and you know what, none of that bothers me!

We're actually making plans that sound like...
"We won't need to buy a seat for her, I'll just wear her and we can even take the ferry over if you want." and "We can all go to the movie. She'll probably just eat and sleep through it anyway!"

I'm having such a hard time focusing, this is just a total jumble! Hopefully my brain regenerates quickly after this delivery. I've been such a mush head. Pregnancy brain alone is bad enough but add in the extra anxiety and all of the other thoughts that are constantly running through my head and well... you get something totally useless!

Thursday Thoughts!

2010-03-11T13:11:00.000-08:00

Remember this statement from my last post, "I'm pretty sure it's safe to say... that's all we're going to get" when referencing the lack of snow this year?
Yah.
Me too.

It's a good thing I'm not a meteorologist!

On the other hand, it really wasn't a big deal at all. It snowed really hard for an hour or so and then melted almost as quickly. No school delays, no snowballs, pretty much just watched Max run around like the crazy dog he is! Now, hopefully that's the last of it. Come on spring!

____________________________________

The closer we get to my due date, the bigger I get.
Duh!
But, there are some benefits to this...

1) I can wipe down the far side of the dining room table while my belly dries and polishes the near side!

2) I never slam the pantry door open into the wall anymore. My belly always stops it.

3) While doing dishes, I no longer have to wipe the water from in front of the sink and off the floor. You guessed it, my tummy makes sure that my sweatshirt soaks it up and there's no water making it to the floor.

4) I will soon be off of laundry duty since I can barely reach the bottom of the washing machine anymore. My arms are just not long enough anymore! I honestly do not remember that being an issue with Karleigh or Rylan. Hummm...

5) I no longer dribble food on my pants! However, all of my shirts seem to have spots on them right on the tummy. I guess that's a plus and a minus.

6) I can easily get Rylan's attention while brushing his teeth. I'm not kidding, that poor kid has gotten knocked off his step-stool 3 times this week. ...keeps him on his toes!

____________________________________

Yesterday Jim and I went to my 34 week appointment. Rather drama free which is always nice! My a fore mentioned tummy is now measuring just a tiny bit ahead. I told him about the frequency and intensity of my Braxton Hicks and that some of them are accompanied by some uncomfortable cramping. He basically said that I'm good to go at any point and that he has no worries. That was sure a reality check! He also doesn't want me going too far from the immediate area considering the speed and timing of Rylan's delivery. So, that does cut into one last hurrah that I had planned to Seattle at the end of this month but honestly, I do understand. I would have been up there within days of when I went into labor with Rylan and his labor was only 4 hours long... Honestly, I have no guesses about when this little bit will make her appearance. I know Jim thinks sooner than later. I'm just hoping she doesn't come 2 weeks late! But in the end my "demands" are pretty minimal. Safe and sound is what I'm going for.

Spring Fever!

2010-03-04T22:10:00.000-08:00

I'm loving the great weather! It really does not feel like early March around here. It feels more like April (which in its own way is killing me!) But at the same time, it's nice to be able to open the windows or head outside for fresh air without an umbrella or snow boots. Actually, we got maybe 4" of snow this winter season and I'm pretty sure it's safe to say... that's all we're going to get. So strange after the last couple years around here. The mild weather has sure done a job on the lawn which is now quite loaded with moss. I'm sure Jim will get that under control soon though.

I went outside this afternoon after the kids got home from school and snapped a few pics around the yard.

Yes, Spring Fever indeed!

In more "regular life" news: Karleigh lost ANOTHER tooth this evening. Once again she climbed up on what remains of my lap and asked me to give it a wiggle. Within just a couple minutes and one "pop", there it was between my finger and thumb! She's getting quite the... interesting... smile!

Regular ol' life! That's good stuff :)

Regular Life

2010-03-03T20:17:00.000-08:00

It seems as though I'm back on "cruise control" for a while. And that's certainly not a bad thing! Although it has left me with not a whole lot to say here in blog-land. I've been continuing to work through some of the things that I'd like to get done before Stella gets here. I've also been just going about our regular life which feels really good. I've had my camera out some but not a whole lot. I mean really... who wants to see photos of how we spent today??? Getting new brakes on the van. Exciting stuff I tell ya!

Over the past few days I have been working on repainting the back porch which is really much like a mudroom and it's nice to have that space to hang up coats and backpacks and put away shoes. However, it's also our main entry. So it drives me bonkers to have it dirty and dingy. It flows with the kitchen now, same paint colors, and although I know it will look dirty if the dog walks in and shakes while he's wet and dirty, it'll wash easier. I have decided that I think that's IT for "big" projects for me for now. Anything else and I'll just be the supervisor. :) (I have no idea why the wall looks all wonky in the 'before' pic, it's just a photo compression issue.)

The kids both have major cases of Spring Fever. There's been a lot of just being kind of mouthy and hyper mixed in with their usual pretty cool selves. I even asked Karleigh's teacher if she's been this... and Mrs. B interjected with "Squirly?" and she said "yes, a bit more than normal." I was hoping that it was just for my "benefit" while I was volunteering but she's assuming the same about the kids having a mean case of Spring Fever and that she also thinks it's because Karleigh's bored. Understandable but I still expect my kid to be "present" even if she might think that the things they're going over are a bit boring. On a brighter note, she lost another tooth last night! She has had three that have been sort of loose but after an apple she decided that the one right next to her new permanent tooth should come out. She laid across my lap, asked me to pull it (I scoffed at the idea in my head but whatever) and the next thing I knew, it was right there between my fingers!

We really just need the weather to get a bit warmer so they run off their energy outside. Adjusting to preschool has been kind of tough for Rylan. He's a morning person like his daddy so he's up by 7 every morning but he's in the afternoon session so he's pretty spent by the time he gets home at 3:15. And when he's tired, he doesn't make the best decisions. However, he's obviously good at multitasking since he decided to go ahead ad grab a quick nap during a time-out the other day :)

Friday Fotos!

2010-02-26T23:11:00.000-08:00

I know, I know. My last few posts haven't had any photos in them so I sat down tonight and looked over some of the pictures that I've taken over the last few days. Like I said, we've still been living our normal life even if I've been a bit down in the dumps.

I didn't take a belly pic last week and actually, Karleigh got on my case about it so we took care of that this evening. I'm ready for this little one to drop a bit in hopes that it will ease the heartburn/reflux and inability to eat much at a time. Although, then you get to deal with some other uncomfortable issues so I suppose I'll take this now and the other later!

I've gained 20 pounds now which is more than I gained with Rylan's whole pregnancy but half as much as I gained with Karleigh by the end so I'm curious to see where I end up. Not that it matters really, I just find it interesting how different each one has been.

It's fun to see how much these two love their little sister already. Karleigh will randomly walk up to me and hug my belly or give it a kiss and run off. She loves to go through the baby clothes and arrange outfits or try to decide what Stella's going to wear on her 3rd, 4th and 5th nights home. She has the wardrobe all planned out.

Rylan crawls into bed with us every morning (and way too early if you ask me). He always whispers, "Is baby Stella awake?" I tell him either yes or no. She's usually sleeping UNTIL he jumps into bed and gets all wiggly. Then he puts one arm under my neck and the other on my belly and gasps and giggles every time she kicks, squirms and rolls around. I really should attempt to get it on video because I think it's super cute but I don't know if he'll act weird with the camera on.

Probably.

He tends to enjoy documenting his kookiness!

Randomness

2010-02-25T21:10:00.000-08:00

It's been over a week since I blogged anything. No particular reason. This is a tough time of year for me and I slipped little over the last week, falling into a funk. Most people don't "get it" and I'm glad about that. Most people think I should be breathing easy now. I've made it past my major points in time but I'm not also so naive as to think that I'm bullet proof now. My heart has gone out to too many who were in the clear too. I'm not trying to have a Debbie Downer attitude, in fact I'm really trying desperately to avoid that but it's hard, dare I say, impossible to not slip at some point. I am very thankful for one of my "soul sisters" who lovingly reminded me that it's OK and that it's always the darkest before the light.

We received the infant car seat last week, it's cute! I'm always a little nervous about ordering something on-line before seeing it in real life. Ironically, we received Stella's going home outfit (that we let the kids pick out) on Eli's 2 year birthday? ...there really is no right word for it... I've been doing a lot more shopping on-line this time than ever before. However, after the last attempt to go shopping with two kids who are generally very well behaved in public, I couldn't be more pleased with the on-line shopping option. Plus, the UPS driver actually brings my packages closer to the house than when I park in our driveway out of the way for the mini-bus. Also super exciting was receiving some cute, tiny pj's in the mail from one of my fellow bloggers who has followed along for the last 2 years. She has a daughter born the same time that Eli would have been had he made it to term. Thank you!

Wow, this is really boring! There's so much in my head. Some that I want to say and some that I want to keep for myself.

Oh, I had an OB appointment on Wednesday and, as you might recall, several weeks ago I was measuring a bit ahead... now I'm measuring a bit behind. I'm not worried at all though as measuring fundal height is certainly a far cry from a perfect science. Everything else was perfect though. I'll go back in two weeks again. I really feel like I should have SOME questions but I just don't really. Oh well, makes for quick appointments.

My Braxton Hicks contractions are starting to get pretty intense. They must get stronger with each pregnancy because I don't even remember noticing them with Karleigh. I've had a few contractions that feel like the (early) real thing but nothing to get excited or concerned about.

Other than that, we've just been going about normal life... Daisy scouts, school, cleaning, rearranging furniture, re-rearranging furniture ;) and trying to get things marked off of my to-do list without adding too many new things to it! I could probably pound it out in a few days if I really focused but the fact that I've decided that bending over to pick anything up is overrated, well... it's probably going to take a bit longer.

So, that's where I've been. It's not all been a black abyss but there have been a few dark days. There have also been some really bright points. I suppose it all averages out and makes it normal and that's all I've been going for all along anyway right?

Seven hundred thirty (and a half) days

2010-02-17T19:16:00.000-08:00

Two years ago it was all ending.
Or starting.
I guess it depends on how you look at it.

Today was freakishly not unlike February 17th, 2008. Sunny, clear, and almost warmish. Honestly, I've been trying to not really think too much about the day. It's such a strange juxtaposition thinking about where I was 2 years ago, knowing that Eli was not going to be the happy ending that we were just assuming he would be, while little Miss Stella rocks and rolls all day long. Frankly, the last two days her movements haven't just been reassuring, they've been downright painful so there's no chance of me being concerned for her immediate well-being. I hope she continues to let me know she's here to stay over the next few days.

I haven't taken the time to really think about the path that's behind me or the one that's ahead of me. Most days it's really just a case of, it is what it is. I've made some unbelievable new friends, lost some who I thought were friends and reconnected with some "old" friends. All changes that have been a real blessing. Of course there are a few rock-solid, not going anywhere no matter what friends too.

My mind doesn't wander to "why me".
I don't sit in a constant state of feeling sorry for myself.
I do feel very blessed to be pregnant with this little girl.

I would love to say it's been a happy-go-lucky time. I can't. I've been stressed ...and scared ...and edgy ...and a bit detached. I've been trying though. On the other hand I've also found it really hard to complain about the extreme pain in my lower back, the acid reflux, the exhaustion, the shots to my nether-regions, the Braxton-Hicks contractions every night and the kicks, stretches and punches that make me grimace. I know that in a short time, this will all be a distant memory replaced by a different view along the path.

I'm pretty certain that had there been a choice in the matter, this isn't the way I would have chosen everything to play out. However, that wasn't up to me (of course) and I'm not bitter about it. I'm actually really ok with it. Not in a "Yay! Dead babies!" kind of way but in just a sense of peace about it way. Sure I have days that I still think about what it might be like with an 18 month old little guy running around right now but that's not my reality. My reality is something different on the horizon and it usually brings be an overwhelming sense of peace.

And I think that's a good thing.

And certainly not what I expected to be able to say seven hundred thirty days ago...

30 Weeks

2010-02-12T09:19:00.000-08:00

It's another Friday!
A Friday where the kids are home from school for the start of a long 4-day weekend.
A Friday where Rylan finally has his 4 year well-child check (slacker mom, at your service!) with the new office that we're hoping to use for our pediatrician, so that's kind of exciting.
A Friday where Karleigh has a Valentine's party at one of her girlfriends' houses for a few hours this afternoon.
A Friday where I'm still sick from the cold that I was hoping to not get from everyone else in the house. Wishful thinking, you can't blame me for trying though!
A Friday that marks the end of one week and the beginning of another.
A Friday that should be spent doing a fair amount of cleaning and straightening up around the house this evening - don't be jealous!
Like I've said before, I like Fridays. For the most part, I prefer the Fridays that don't start off with the kids antagonizing each other, teasing the dog, talking back, being sent to time-out, the dog stealing food while said kiddo is in time-out... just the tip of the iceberg really. But, all is well and calm now which I am thankful for because I would like to get back to my happy Friday attitude!
...even if it is through my stuffy, snuffy nose. :)

For some reason I didn't end up taking a 29 week photo so I made sure to grab my 30 week pic this morning... after things calmed down a bit. The joy of artistic freedom is that you can choose to crop out your stuffy, snuffy, chapped nose, broken out face, blood-shot eyes and glasses that you've somehow become allergic to during your pregnancy but have to wear because your contacts are also driving you nuts. Not that I would know or anything! Thankfully the sores on the bridge of my nose are healing up since I have a licensed optician at my beck and call whenever I have an issue. :) My glasses are still bugging me though so I may just have to pick out a new pair since I'm eligible for them now anyway. Sorry... tangent.

The 30 week belly.

I like saying 30 weeks so much better than 29. Seven to ten more weeks to go - Rylan came right at 37, Karleigh came on her due date. I can't decide if it feels like forever away still or just around the corner. Rylan asked me to show him how close we were to our baby coming home (I'm still wondering if he thinks the UPS man is just going to bring her!) on the calender this morning. He's intrigued by February only having 28 days. And he was thrilled at how close it's getting to "baby time". I'm somewhere between relieved and freaked out.

So, we are going to get on with our Friday. The kids are relaxing together and watching a movie and we'll soon be getting ready for the rest of our (hopefully better!) day. :)

Almost Wordless Wednesday

2010-02-10T13:26:00.000-08:00

Signed. Sealed. Sent!

What's in a Name?

2010-02-08T20:49:00.000-08:00

We've known for quite some time what we will be naming this little lady but haven't been screaming it from the roof-tops. Why not? I'm not too sure. Maybe it makes it all too real. Maybe because it makes ~her~ all too real. But she is real.

If someone asks us, we tell them with a smile. It's the only name that has felt right, has felt like ~her~ and at the same time fits the silly "rules" that Jim and I have adopted when it comes to naming babies.

Silly rules first:
~ should not start with the same letter as our other children
~ two syllables are preferred
~ incorporating an L near the middle is a bonus (this rule makes no sense, yes, we do realize that!)
~ should not be in the top 100 names as listed by the Social Security Administration
~ should have a positive or at least neutral meaning, certainly not negative
~ the kids should be able to pronounce it
~ can not lead to swearing when singing the "name, name, bo, bame, banana, fanana, fo, fo fame..." song :)
~ bonus to incorporate family names but not to the extent of having two "cousins" with the same name
~ and we have never been able to bring ourselves to "re-use" a name that we had considered in a previous pregnancy

So, with all of that in mind, our new baby girl will be named:

Of course, I'm a Gemini so all decisions that I make, can quickly change! Karleigh didn't have her name until I was about 7 months along. She was going to be Aubrey. However, I had a meltdown in the car one afternoon and freaked out and said "I just can't name my baby that, she doesn't feel like a Aubrey!" In Jim's infinite calmness he said "well... then don't..." and then he proceeded to suggest Karleigh and the reasoning, etc. etc. I can't imagine her as anything else. But back to Stella, it still feels right.

Stella has a very simple meaning: star.

The truth is, it seems that this name has been being screaming at us for months. Now, I'm not a big looking-for-signs type of person...

That said, since mid-August my "status update" on BabyCenter has been "Wishing on a star...". I haven't been able to bring myself to change it yet.

I also have a kindred spirit on one of my loss support boards who sent me the neatest "intentions" bracelet. It was made of string and had two black pearls with a silver star charm dangling between the two of them. The point of the bracelet is to state your intention/wish etc., tie it on and when it falls off that intention is realized (that was likely a very poor explanation). At any rate, I tied it on obviously "intending" to have a healthy baby. At 16 weeks (the same exact gestational age and week day - a Sunday - that Eli's heart stopped beating) we went to IKEA. When we got back to the van I noticed that my wrist was bare. The bracelet had fallen off that afternoon. At first my heart sank and I frantically looked around my seat in the van but then a realized perhaps that was just the nudge that I needed to get over that stress filled day. As we know now, everything is still fine.

As anyone who has been through a situation even kind of similar to ours knows, it's not always the most vocal supporters that say the right things. Sometimes there are quiet players who come to the surface at just the right times. One of these types of women suggested Stella. And then another more vocal friend also suggested it, and then another.

I finally thought "OK, this must be it. I love it but I wonder what Jim thinks..." So, because we're so tech savvy like that... I texted him. "Don't reply, just think. What about Stella?" And you know what?
He didn't reply! LOL
Finally, my impatience won and I texted him back again with something along the lines of "OK, time's up, what do you think?" He replied with, "I like it. You do realize that was my great-grandma's name right?" Um, yah, once upon a time, but I had totally forgotten about it at that moment.

Since then there have, of course been more things, an outfit that our sister-in-law sent covered in stars. A name a star bear that the kids got after visiting "Santa". Looking for crafty ideas for the girls' room and the first return being a "Stella" project. The list could go on and on but I've spent enough time writing about it for now I think.

So, now you know who you've been praying for. I like having a name when I pray for her even though I know it's not necessary, it's nice.

Friday Flashback!

2010-02-05T13:53:00.000-08:00

A picture from Karleigh's 1st Spring. I was lying in bed the other night, just trying to imagine life with another baby girl in our family... what she'll weigh, when she'll be born, who she'll look like, what her personality will be like... I'm having a hard time (even with her acting like she wants out, right NOW! as I type this) picturing having her with us. I don't remember feeling this way so much with Karleigh or Rylan but I'm sure I did.
Right?
This IS normal.
Right?
Back to my thought, when I was lying in bed thinking about her, I started thinking about this picture of Karleigh. This was her first experience with grass against her skin. I'm looking very much forward to a whole new set of firsts, much better than the set of firsts that come with pregnancy loss.

February is a tough month for a lot of my loss momma friends so I'm glad it's a short month. The gateway to Spring and new beginnings.

............................................

I think I may have things set ok, for now, with the new layout. If you come across something that's missing or not working right, can you please let me know?
Thank you!

Remodeling

2010-02-05T11:16:00.000-08:00

I'm going to start installing the new blog layout so things may be a bit wonky for a while.

...like my list of blogs that went missing already! Grrr. :)

It's ok though - I haven't felt the greatest so it's a great project while just sitting around today and this weekend. I hope to get everyone added back, but if I miss you please don't be offended just leave me a comment with your blog address again and I'll get you back up!

Thursday "Tour"

2010-02-04T13:46:00.000-08:00

I'm finally at a point with the big girl/baby girl room where I'm feeling pretty good and done enough to share some photos. It's been a bit of a challenge since Karleigh has to be able to live there so I have had to do bits and pieces while she's at school or on weekends where it doesn't matter if she has to stay up a bit later for me to finish a project. I'm sure it will change a bit before baby girl gets here. There's still one little wall (behind the hall door) that I'm trying to decide how to finish off. I do know that the diaper pail will go there so I'm still thinking a few shelves, for books, above it. We'll see. Right now Karleigh's doll house is there but that's currently being neglected... it's in a down phase right now so I'll probably store it away for a while and when it comes back out in a few months, it'll be like brand new again!

I have a number of deeper thoughts that I've been trying to process and work through but until I can get them all untangled to a point where I might sound a little less crazy ;) I'm going to continue to try to work through them. As a quick peek into "it"... I filled out my birth center preregistration over a week ago. I still haven't mailed it. It's a postage paid envelope. And they requested that it be sent in over a month ago. It'll get done, I'm just tripping on sending it out. I've walked into that hospital 3 times and walked out once knowing my baby had died and twice leaving their tiny bodies behind. Yah. That might have something to do with my hang-up.

Anyway! Enough of that, you my peeps like pics so here! Have I mentioned that this is a tiny room? Yah, I think I have but I also feel like we've utilized the space to its maximum in both form and function. At least I hope so. As I recall it's about 11 feet by 9 feet and set for two girls.

So, there it is. There is more that I would like to add but at the same time I know that any more and it's going to start to look really cluttered and that will just drive me bonkers. It's been a really fun process especially since Karleigh is so into helping. In fact she chose the curtains and the fabric for her headboard. I think she did a really good job!

Before This Week is Gone

2010-02-01T20:43:00.001-08:00

I figured I had better get this pic posted before the week is gone! That seems to be one of the things with pregnancy... and I'm finding even more with pregnancy after losses... that time not only crawls at a snails pace but it also flies by. No matter how much you try to ignore time or try to really count down the days, whichever makes you feel better... there's no denying it: there will be an end to this short leg of the journey.

I have to say I feel like she and I - we - have grown a ton over the last week. Her movements are starting to hurt at times, especially when she gets a foot up by my ribs and pushes out until my skin won't stretch any more. It's reassuring though, even if I am saying "owie!" On a really bright side, I'm still sleeping really well most nights. I don't know if it's from working so hard during the day or if I'm just lucky/blessed to be able to fall asleep and sleep through the night most nights. While I do love it and enjoy it now, I'm also ready to be awoken every two hours or so before too long. :)

I am really thankful that I got started on all the house projects a couple weeks ago. We were working on our bedroom last night and I think both Jim and I realized how ungraceful I've become and how things that would normally be so simple for me... well, they're more difficult now and I sound like an old man half the time as well. Grunting and groaning when I move, yah, pregnancy is hot! It's good though. We're almost finished with our big projects like the whole room flip-flop and decorating. Some of our other projects are going to have to wait until it dries out outside. It's been SO mild this last month or so but it's still been too wet (and frankly too soon before spring/summer) to accomplish some of the outside projects that I would like to get done before little miss gets here.

Wow, that was kind of a rather boring re-cap! Hopefully I'll have something a bit more exciting to talk about in the near future. Or not. Boring can be very, very good! :)

Technically Speaking

2010-01-31T08:40:00.001-08:00

I'm feeling like a techno-challenged chick...

Firefox users - I just realized that my header is not center justified for you. Sorry about that, it looks yucky. How pathetic that I didn't check it, oh... a YEAR ago when I re-did everything.

Yes, when I re-did everything by just hacking at the code until I liked the way the layout looked just the way I wanted it at the time. Cool right? Sure. Until you go back and want to change things up again. That makes it ROUGH! So... there will be a new (hopefully cleaner and simpler) blog look it just might not be today or tomorrow or anytime too soon. It may be a great project for when I've slowed down a bit more and have a few more of the physically demanding things checked off of my to-do-before-spring list.

My Lilypie ticker has apparently decided that it wants to stall out and not automatically count down, like it's supposed to. I didn't generate that code so I can't blame it on myself. In fact yesterday when I was messing around with it I changed some dates around and the ticker was getting all messed up. It's not terribly uncommon for Lilypie but it's annoying for me and anyone else who needs no help feeling like they're losing their mind. "Hey, I thought she was 28 weeks, 3 days ago..." Yah. Hopefully they get that worked out soon!

Perhaps I should just stick to the actual, tangible, things right now and not all this "magic" technical stuff. I'm having a little better luck with using my hands. Yesterday I took some (way too much) time and made the mobile for above the crib. I'm pretty happy with how it turned out. I had a thought in mind for what I wanted, set out to look for it and did find what I was looking for... to the tune of more than $50. So, thinking that was a bit excessive for what turned out to be around 64 cents in craft card stock, 59 cents for a dowel and 2 dollars for some pink glass beads, I set out (with the help of a few items that I already had at home) to make my own.

It was a time consuming project but it's fun to know that I was the one who put the work in. I even added some sparkly clear glass beads that were from a broken necklace that must have been my great-grandma's. And all you safety minded people, the mobile is out of the reach of any little hands and can be moved closer to the ceiling when necessary to keep it that way. It has such a relaxing movement so I'm really happy that it wasn't a total disaster!

Today will be spent trying to scratch a few more things off of our list and probably a lazy movie day for the kiddos who are still really trying to fight off a nasty chest cold. It's tough when I love the cuddle time but also really want to try to remain healthy myself. Lots of hand washing, lots of reminders to "cover your cough!" and "please use a tissue and not your sleeve!"

I Like Fridays

2010-01-29T13:52:00.000-08:00

Well, I do.

Not that weekends or week days really mean that much when you're a stay-at-home-mom whose husband usually works on Saturday but still, I like them. Friday is when I get to tick off another week completed in this pregnancy (by the most conservative date I've been given). I feel accomplished on Friday and usually have a burst of house cleaning / project completing energy. Anyway, I guess that's just to say that I'm in a pretty good mood today.

Jim was out of town, overnight, for work yesterday and both kids have pretty nasty coughs. In fact Rylan stayed home from preschool yesterday and again today. So, it was very quiet in the house last night after about 7 pm. I decided that would be a great time to work on a painting that I've been thinking about for the girls' room. I wonder when I'm going to get used to saying that? I have really liked the tress/branches/birds that people are using in their decorating lately but I didn't really want to go the stick on vinyl route. We used some "removable" decorating stickers shortly after Karleigh turned two and 6 months later when she changed her mind about wanting to stare at Dora characters every day, we removed them. Some of them left sticky residue behind, some took paint with them and some came off nice and clean just like they were supposed to. I didn't feel like risking that again. The other option was to just paint it directly onto the wall but with the super smooth surface of our walls, when it came time to paint over it, I'm sure I would have to have sanded to get the brush strokes and texture off the wall before painting over it. Also not the best idea in my book. So? I compromised and moved to something that I was more comfortable with. Stretched canvas.

Last night I got the whole thing painted, pretty close to what I had imagined in my head, and got the set hung up this morning. They hang next to Karleigh's bed between the wall and the window. She used to have letters that spelled DREAM in that spot in her old room but, believe it or not, they did not fit in the new space. So, three 12x12 canvases it is!

I had my 28 week appointment on Wednesday where we did all the regular stuff - I've added almost 20 pounds already. Yikes! I only gained 19 with Rylan but 40 with Karleigh so I guess I'll end up somewhere in the middle. 25 to 30 was what I should have been aiming for so we'll see. I haven't been making any effort about it one way or another. Along with the regular OB appointment stuff I also had my glucose test to check for gestational diabetes. At the time of the blood draw they also drew iron levels. I got the call back yesterday and my glucose levels were well within normal limits. Woohoo! The iron on the other hand? Not so much woohoo. Apparently I'm anemic enough that my doc doesn't think I'll get my numbers up with foods alone so now I'm on an iron supplement. No biggie though. I'd rather know now and get it straightened out before delivery. I'll be interested to see how my energy levels are in about a week or so. I'd been feeling more tired - needing to take more breaks - than I remembered having to before. We'll see!

All in all, it's been a pretty good week even with sick kiddos. Jim's birthday was Tuesday. We're getting things crossed off our to-do list... you like how I said "our"? ;) And we're one week closer. Closer to what exactly, I'm not sure I know. Believe it or not, I haven't thought about how our lives are going to change. It's just been very matter-of-fact, if/when she comes home we'll do x,y,z to make things work. There's been physical planning but, at least for me, not a whole lot of emotional planning. I'm having a hard time going to that place.

Oh! But on a super duper happy note: our hospital has lifted their H1N1 ban. Karleigh was beyond mad that she was not going to be allowed to visit her sister in the hospital after she was born and that she was going to have to wait until we brought the baby home. I'm pretty happy about it too. So, now we just need to come up with a couple of kid care plans for D day. Of course my mom would like to be here and do the grandma thing but frankly, Rylan's labor and birth was so fast (4 hours) compared to Karleigh's labor and birth (38 hours!!!) that she didn't even make it to the hospital before we were both all cleaned up and just hanging out. Anyway. Another thought for another time!

Life and Third Trimester

2010-01-23T10:46:00.000-08:00

Life!
Last night we all attended Karleigh's first Daisy Scout Court of Awards ceremony where the girls received the 3 petals they have earned so far this year. Her leader did a great job making it special by obtaining use of the stage at the school and having refreshments afterwards. It was a very short ceremony and at 7 pm, with a group of nine 5 and 6 year olds... that is a very good thing! The girls did great and Karleigh had a blast being the main "speaker" while leading the ceremony.

Such a funny group of girls. Nine girls, about 20 cameras, poor things! This was about as good as the group shot got. :) It's so much fun to watch them develop friendships with each other. During refreshment with their families, the girls all sat at the same table with each other instead of hanging out with the families. It was hilarious to listen to them chatter away.

And can I say, I thought the way that her leader attached the petals to the foam flowers was brilliant and so cute! Of course we'll give them back so she can use them again but I thought it was such a great idea. I'm a sucker for stuff like that!
Also, this gaggle of girls, it's hilarious to try to keep everyone straight: Karleigh, Kayla, Kelly, Laney, Chloe, Kenzie, Trista, Kailey and Juliann. We do a lot of "hey"-ing at the meetings. :) Anyway, it's fun to watch the girls experience life and the friendships that go along with it.

Third Trimester!
I also realized (because I've been trying to take things day by day) that I'm happily there! I promised myself that I was going to take more belly pics this time. I have a few from Karleigh and Rylan, one from Collin and I was so upset that sadly, I deleted all of my belly pics from when I was pregnant with Eli. Dumb. I wish I could change it but I can't so I'm making sure that I have them this time. I don't think I really look much different this week but she feels bigger and spends a lot of time with her feet in my ribs so I can tell she's growing and stretching!

While I was taking these pics, Rylan (the poor soon to be middle child) wandered in. He asked what I was doing and I told him that I was taking pictures of my tummy. So, he said he wanted to too. Who am I to argue? I got one good one from him and then he remembered the beeps for the timer on my camera and it went downhill from there with lots of last second ninja moves, but this one is a keeper :) Just him being his sweet self without his fake, cheese, smile.

This was one sneak attack that actually turned out pretty cute too. It was his favorite so I decided to work with it for him.

I always feel bad when I do a post without pictures. So hopefully this makes up a little bit for my last post!

Thursday Thoughts...

2010-01-21T12:26:00.000-08:00

Once upon a time, I just sat down and spewed some random thoughts - things that I probably could have done an entire entry for. It seems that I have been doing a lot of "baby talk" here but that's what helps keep me looking forward. The reality is, once again I have a whole knot of thoughts that I really haven't been able to untangle so here is a little insight into some of them:

~ I'm still uncomfortable talking about or even acknowledging this pregnancy, to people in real life. The Daisy moms and I were sitting around during Karleigh's birthday party and of course, the pregnancy/labor discussion came up while the girls were playing. One of the others mentioned that she was put on bed rest at 24 weeks (which I was at the time) with her daughter because she was dilated to 2 "...and you know, at that age, they're so small they can practically fall out when you're at a 2." Ugh. Of course I didn't say anything but in my experience, you have to dilate to about 6 to deliver at 16 weeks but who's counting? At the point of this conversation, there was, perhaps, speculation about a pregnancy but none of them has outright asked me. But, I also haven't said "hey guess what?!"

~ I'm going nutty being pregnant, wanting everything perfect, and having a dog that's still a puppy. Seriously, some days I feel like I'm losing my mind with him. He probably needs a buddy but that would make me even more crazy and we've got enough of that around here as it is. I'm hoping that when the kids are home this summer, things get better. I could just be fooling myself though. We'll see.

~ The sun is shining and I'm torn between going outside and doing some yard work or finishing up a project in the house... or blogging ;) You see which is winning.

~ Diapers, no I didn't sew them, Hillary. I wish I had the patience for that right now. My friend "S" helped to enable that stash when she sent me two boxes full of of various diapering items. Right now, there are 36 infant prefolds, 14 covers, 27 various fitteds (some one size, some sized, some with snaps and some snappiables - you don't have to use diaper pins if you don't want to!) I have one system that switches out with a snap in liner, reusable outer shell and cloth inserts. I also ordered a starter set of Gro Baby today that includes the cloth inserts and then picked up a bunch of their disposable inserts on a mega seconds sale today. Seconds because the boxes have issues, no biggie to me!

~ This has been an really interesting time for us. One of my really close friends told me that her months of pregnancy after loss were some of the worst, emotionally, for her. It certainly is easy to have down days. I love the fact that I'm pregnant with a seemingly healthy pregnancy but in the last 2 years I've grown so close to women who were also thrilled to have healthy pregnancies who went on to experience loss. I feel like I'm going through the motions of getting ready, the room is pretty well set, things have been ordered, lists have been made but at the same time, I'm having a hard time picturing the end result where it doesn't involve sad tears and a memory box. I'm actually kind of glad that I had to wait this long to get to a, likely, happy outcome because I'm not wishing that I could have Eli or Collin or any of the others back. I'm just trying to have faith that this will be our happy ending.

~ Bedroom situation, since you asked Jamie! We have the three bedrooms upstairs so we moved out of the larger of the three and moved into one of the smaller rooms and then moved Karleigh and her twin bed, along with the crib, into that larger room. Every square inch of that room has been repainted (except for the glass in the windows!) Luckily, we already had the closet re-done for two kids when we moved Karleigh and Rylan together in that room in anticipation of getting the nursery set up for Eli. Our room is a very tight squeeze but since we're not the type to hang out in our bedroom for anything other than sleeping or maybe watching the news or a movie, we'll be fine.

~ I was expecting to have a few more "deep thoughts" but I guess they're gone! I've been pretty tired this week after a marathon 3-day weekend with Jim home and us trying to get everything cleaned out and set up upstairs before I get even more uncomfortable. (again Jamie, I need to get your Chiro's info!) Which makes me think of my friend Kaylee who is a month closer to meeting her number three kiddo but is also in the midst of a move from PA to AZ! If you could keep her and her family in your thoughts and prayers (finding a home...) I would really appreciate it!

~ I think it might be time for a blog update. What do you think? This one seems slightly... depressing. I'm changing, maybe it's time for my layout to change too.

I guess that's it for now. Sorry none of that really went anywhere but I hope you're having a great Thursday!

One Word Wednesday...

2010-01-20T15:29:00.000-08:00

WOW...

Still Growing!

2010-01-13T15:18:00.000-08:00

I've noticed the last couple of weeks that I feel huge. My pelvic girdle pain has really been acting up and there's not much at all that I can do about it except just deal with it. So that's what I'll do!

I had an OB appointment today and everything is looking good. And I'm measuring a fair bit ahead. That explains the feeling huge part! I didn't ask HOW far ahead since I don't want to read anything more into it than, yup, you're getting big. And really, it's not like we grow small babies anyway. So, it is what it is.
She's growing.
She's kicking and punching.
A lot.

It's hard to believe but my appointments are now going to be every 2 weeks and my next one will be the fun, fun glucose test. I'm hoping that goes well. It hasn't been an issue at all in the past for me but the measuring big part has me going "hummmm..." in the back of my mind.

When I got home I decided that since I was wearing "real" clothes - read: not painting clothes or pj's - I would snap a quick picture since it's been 5 weeks since my last one.

The realization that we may actually be bringing a live baby home again is starting to get my nesting need in high gear. And really, who wants to be painting and rearranging furniture (or more accurately, directing the furniture moving) at the very last minute? I'm not a last minute person if I don't have to be and circumstances are within my control. So, I'm hoping that we can get a lot done during Jim's upcoming 3 day weekend. I've started the painting process by painting the "big" room ceiling and started on the walls. We'll be painting the varnished trim and doors white to lighten it all up and that'll take a fair bit of prep time so I'm trying to get a jump-start. Then we'll paint Karleigh's current room and we'll just trade her places. I'm annoyed with myself that I forgot to take "before" pics of our current room but oh well!

So, things are cranking around here and I'm so ready for spring to arrive. The warmish, wet weather isn't helping calm me down any and the flowers already poking their tiny green tips of new life through the soggy ground around here really, really isn't helping!

Peaceful

2010-01-08T22:28:00.000-08:00

It's almost hard for me believe but one year ago today, Collin was taken from us. The day actually passed quite peacefully and very "normally". I was a little more tired than normal but it certainly didn't have the sting that I thought it might. I remember feeling the same way with Eli's one year mark. In fact, there's almost something that feels very healing with getting past that date... like a weight is lifted from my shoulders.

I thought, a few times, about what last year was like but baby girl kept me very reassured by making sure her feet were properly wedged under my ribs, getting the hiccups and startling when I closed the dryer door.

There was quite a large chunk of today that I didn't even think about the fact that it was "that" day. We ordered a new infant car seat and I messed around with some of the cloth diapers that I've gotten for her. That was along side house cleaning, laundry, getting kids ready for school, taking Karleigh to her Daisy Scout meeting. Perhaps it would have been a bit different if I wasn't pregnant again but thankfully, I don't know.

There were also moments when I just sat and reflected a bit and true to the way He works, I received a beautiful silver heart charm in the mail today from one of my girlfriends who has walked right beside me these past (almost) 23 months. My heart will always remember Collin and Eli and the other babies that we lost but sadness and longing for them isn't going to bring them back and frankly, I'm not sure that I would want to go all my life long not knowing some of the women that I have met and reconnected with along this journey. It's just a part of who am I now and I'm really ok with that.

Really.

Holding My Breath

2010-01-04T19:44:00.000-08:00

I'm at a point where I'm ok with saying "I'm holding my breath." 2010 is off to a pretty great start around here! I'm basically a year out from losing Collin. Right now it seems like a whole other lifetime. I've got big things behind me and big things in front of me and that feels really good.

Karleigh is now six! She had her 6th birthday party with her Daisy Scout friends and it was great. It was noisy and chaotic and hot but I don't think they could have had more fun. The bonus? The party was held at a local kids play area. They took care of the set up and clean up. I just provided the cupcakes for the girls... she didn't even want me to go to the work of making a regular cake this year. Although it's not cheap to have a party at a play place, I think we actually came out money ahead and there's no doubt that I came out ahead on the stress level!

For her actual birthday she just wanted a "pj day" with pizza at home after staying up late on New Year's Eve and a slumber party in the living room. Easy enough! So we all sat around in our pj's all day, watched the parade, movies, she opened presents and we ate pizza. Not too shabby!

Today was back-to-school again and both kids were thrilled to get back at their routine... which unfortunately includes lots of whining from an over-tired Rylan at the end of the day and me totally forgetting to pack a snack for Karleigh but she was fine, her teacher has back-up snacks and Karleigh laughed at us for being so worried about it. She was just happy to get back to her friends and class today.

On the baby front, things are still going great and I'm thankful for Every. Single. Day. It's odd how I still feel newly pregnant even though I'm past the 24 week mark. I really should get on pulling it all together because I know that I hate feeling like I'm behind the 8-ball and it's all going to go really quickly from here on out. The third trimester always seems to go so fast and it's really weird for me to realize that it's just around the corner. On the other hand, aside from dragging the cradle out of the closet and purchasing a car seat I have everything to take care of a baby right now. We might be having to do laundry frequently but it could be done. It could also be done to a point where I'm much more comfortable with everything and that's what I'm aiming for!

So needless to say, I'm excited for 2010. I'm really going to focus this year on controlling the things that I can and doing those things to the best of my ability and equally as important... not worry about the things I have no control over. It's not an original idea or concept but it's one that I need to bring back into focus. My life has had areas, obviously, where I've had zero control over the situations and I think everything else got kind of dragged down with it. I'm ready to move forward!

Onward and Forward

2009-12-31T22:45:00.000-08:00

It might be an small understatement to say that I'm beyond ready to kick 2009 out the door. I think back to this time last year and it was just so full of promise. We had our NT scan with Collin, were told he was a totally healthy baby boy, we rang in the New Year being so thankful that 2009 was going to bring us what 2008 couldn't. At some point the next day his heart stopped. What a way to start 2009.

2009 wasn't a total bummer though...
a 2 week visit from Auntie Lacey
zoo trips
an excellent vacation to Whitefish, MT
our 10th wedding anniversary
5 lost teeth
a new kindergartner
new puppy Max
hikes in the gorge
a new preschooler
a wonderful beach trip
winter snowstorms
record summer heat
new bikes
starting Daisy Scouts
visits with grandma and grandpa
play dates
birthday parties

and a healthy baby girl on the way.

Christmas

2009-12-25T20:58:00.001-08:00

I hope you all have had a merry one!

Cut to the Chase

2009-12-23T23:10:00.001-08:00

I'm going to cut to the chase... this holiday season has been a rough one on me. I have been a total Grinch this year. My attitude stinks, I don't really want to have much to do with Christmas, etc. etc. and that irritates me which just makes the attitude even worse. Sure, I could blame it on hormones but I'm going to be realistic and I really can't place the blame on hormones. Maybe they don't help but I'm pretty confident in saying "it's all me."

This is the third Christmas in a row that I've been pregnant (and the 4th Christmas that I've been pregnant in the last 7 years) of course that also means that I have a birthday party to finish up planning for next week. I think that part of the "mood" has to do with the mixed emotions of this time of year. I wish I could put it more clearly but I can't even really wrap my head around it.

I'm sure there's some pregnancy anxiety and depression in there too since I'm already at an increased risk for it given my history. I'm really trying to let go and let God and using breathing techniques to try to calm my nerves but the fear and anxiety can grab me at any moment without warning. For instance tonight, putting Rylan's clothes away and all of a sudden the nerves, butterflies, racing heart and negative thoughts started... I was putting his underwear away. I'm certainly getting quite a schooling in feeling out of control. I will mention it to Dr. C at my appointment which is tomorrow (Christmas Eve).

But, I've been going about doing what needs to be done around here, even if I'm not "feeling it" this year. The tree was "hunted", put up and decorated. The gifts have been purchased and wrapped, mostly thanks to Jim. The house is clean and decorated even if it did take at least 3 weeks to do it.
The kids participated in all of their school activities cookie party with the parents for Rylan's class, a book exchange and movie day for Karleigh's class, food drives for both, lots of arts and crafts and a sing-a-long for the primary classes. Ever the entertainer, it was a joy to watch all of Karleigh's expressions as they sang "Up on the Housetop". And since it was a sing-a-long instead of a 'concert', Rylan had a blast even though the preschool didn't participate and it didn't even start until their usual bed time.

We even had some snow up here earlier this week. I didn't bother to take pics because it was enough to cover the ground but not really enough for the kids to play in. Max did seem to like eating it though. He looks so cute and innocent though doesn't he?Ugh. Wrong. Not only are the kids bouncing off the walls with Christmas excitement, the dog is losing his mind too. I'm sure much of it is him feeding off the "crazies" coming from the kids. In the last 24 hours he has peed on the carpet (which he just doesn't do), eaten Christmas light bulbs, chewed up a heavy duty extension cord, destroyed an entire string of lights, found a beer can and brought it back to the yard to chew up (I'm sensing a theme...), threw up in the house (gee, I wonder why!?) and has just been a total whack-ado overall.

Things are going really well with the pregnancy, as far as I can tell. She moves a ton which helps keep me positive. We've started purchasing things and have received the new crib and crib bedding. I received two boxes full of brand new cloth diapers from a girl friend who isn't using them and I ordered a couple of different diapers over the last couple of days. Psst, I'm kind of excited! My sciatic nerve is on fire these days but I also know that it'll eventually go away. if I could just remove my pelvis, I'd be feeling (physically) about 100% these days. But I'm not complaining. I know that it's all just so temporary.

I hope that you all have a wonderful Christmas Eve!

Thankful Thursday

2009-12-10T18:16:00.000-08:00

I'm thankful for friends who keep me on my toes... who encourage me and who have been great cheerleaders throughout this pregnancy. I'm thankful for the "pestering" to take, and share, a belly picture. A belly picture that actually has a live, thriving baby in it.

I'm thankful for heartburn and sciatica and symphysis pubic dysfunction. Really. I am!

I'm thankful for kicks, thumps and bumps and being able to watch my tummy dance.

Yes, I am thankful!

Which Came First?

2009-12-03T20:22:00.000-08:00

Rylan: Mommy? How did the baby get in your tummy?
Karleigh: I'll tell you. See, mommy has these things in her tummy called eggs. They're teeny tiny.
Rylan: Really?
Karleigh: Yes, really. And when it's time for her to have a baby... well... (long, thoughtful pause) they grow and then hatch into a bubble and grow and grow until the baby is born.
Rylan: Ohhhhhhh.
Karleigh: ...kind of like a chicken!

Ah, she was so close! Ü

Wordless Wednesday, Zoolights Edition

2009-12-02T14:45:00.000-08:00

More Details

2009-12-01T12:58:00.000-08:00

I cannot believe it's been almost a week since we saw our baby girl and I last blogged anything about it! The Thanksgiving holiday was quite nice, held some feelings of relief and of course, many feelings of thankfulness.

Our little baby girl and her cute little profile!

She proved to be quite a mover and a shaker and our ultrasound tech was so very, very thorough including asking me, halfway through the scan, to get up, use the bathroom and 'do whatever it takes' to move baby girl around so she could get not only great shots of all 4 heart chambers but of the valves in motion as well. Baby girl stayed where she needed to for about 15 seconds. The tech played the capture forwards and backwards in slow motion over and over again and I will admit I started to get really nervous and think "oh, here we go again" while praying but at the same time I thought I knew enough about human anatomy and physiology to see that everything was normal... and it was. We actually didn't find out girl vs. boy until the very end after she got all the views that she needed and all three of us almost forgot!

On to more pics:

Sweet tiny feet! And a perfect looking spine.

A slightly less skeleton face. And the "girl proof"!

We FINALLY told the kids about their baby sister and it went over so well. They are so thrilled but Karleigh, much like her mommy, is hopeful but cautious. Jim and I were sitting on the couch at my parents house, doing a little online shopping, and Karleigh came over and asked it the items in the 'shopping bag' were for our friends baby girl.
Jim said "nope, they're for your baby sister."
Karleigh "huh, I don't have a baby sister."
Jim "Actually, you do."
And I handed her the ultrasound photos.

She just looked at us and kind of started to cry her happy tears. And said "Really!?! I have a baby sister!?! Oh my gosh!"

She dove right into the photos labelling them all until she got to the last one which was the "girl shot" and then she laughed that we had pics of girl parts.

She ran up to the kitchen where Rylan was probably bumming food off of my mom and yelled "Rylan, Rylan, we're going to have a baby sister! Mommy has a baby girl in her tummy!"

He came running down to look at the pics and looked all giddy with his hands over his gaping mouth. Of course, shortly after, he asked if she was hiding behind the couch, then he asked if uncle David was bringing her with him... we spent quite a bit of time talking about how far away Spring is. And then... he ran off like a typical 4 year old boy!

Karleigh continued to shop with us and kicked Jim out of his seat. And then her questions and comments started.
"I hope our baby sister doesn't die in your tummy like our baby brother did."
"Well, we HOPE we're going to have a baby sister."
"Is she as big as our Eli was when he died?"

"Can we go listen to her heartbeat?"
"I've been waiting and waiting and waiting like 2 years for you to have a baby!"
"Let's go shopping!"

And Rylan's questions
"Why don't you just spit her out now momma?"

"We need a stroller for our baby sitter... siss-ter!"

I'm glad to have the "announcement" out of the way and just about at the last possible moment. My tummy really popped out this last weekend and I 'had' to buy a pair of maternity pants. Karleigh is on us to nail down a name so she doesn't have to keep calling her "baby sister" and has threatened to just call her Lilly until we decide differently. Ü She's happy that we're working on it.

I did finally buy a few things for the little one including a couple little outfits (that my mom will get to see first when the box arrives at her house!) and a boppy pillow cover. I know, nothing big but that IS a big step for me. I also went through our box of baby clothes and yah, all those things I cleaned out, sold and donated when I was pregnant with Eli but didn't know it yet... are all still not in the basement! I have a couple pair of pj's and that's about it. Which just means more sale shopping!

Anyway. We're thrilled that things look just perfect. Life around here has continued on as well, it's certainly not all about baby. We're taking the kids to Zoo Lights tonight, Rylan is certainly "exploring" his defiant side... which he was also doing before the baby info so that's not it... it's just him, being four. I haven't used my doppler in 3 days because I can feel her wiggling and moving so often. So, after the holidays, we will probably start the painting that needs to be done in order for the room shifting to take place.

I feel like I'm in a really good place. Not necessarily totally confident that everything will be ok but I'm totally at peace with the fact that she is not Eli nor Collin and that's ok. She alive because they aren't but I'm also not pining for them if that makes sense. Pregnancy loss sucks but I'm also really excited to see what the future holds!

And...

2009-11-25T12:03:00.000-08:00

And the most important thing... she looks totally perfect!

More details to come later.

Been a Long Time

2009-11-24T19:37:00.000-08:00

I have been doing my very best to keep myself busy. At least where I'm at now, you can assume that no news is good news. I'm fighting the anxiety every day and sadly, still in that 'waiting for the other shoe to drop' kind of state. But so far, I'm fine and baby is alive.

Last week Jim and the kids all came down with a bug. A different bug for all of them but nasty none the less. Thankfully, I managed to escape without catching anything. That can only be thanks to lots of prayers, lots of hand washing, gargling with salt water and taking my vitamins. I wrestled an awful lot with the whole H1N1 vaccine and seasonal flu vaccine issue. It's just so horrible as a pregnant mom. It feels very much a case of darned if you do, darned if you don't. You don't get the vaccine and you end up in the hospital and hopefully you and your baby survive. You do get the vaccine and you cross your fingers and pray that there are no negative side effects.

I decided a while ago against getting the vaccine. With my history of vaccine reaction... which was only one vaccine but a two month (at least) long reaction (and I haven't carried a pregnancy to term since). I decided that I would not introduce anything extra into my system and do my best to stay healthy and quickly react if I started to show signs of illness. I've spent months questioning this decision but I am very at peace with it now. It makes me so sad to see (I'm a group co-owner on several boards on a parenting website) loss after loss. Many of them "coincidentally" coinciding with receiving the H1N1 vaccine. Sadly, the only thing they can do is report it to the CDC on the VAERS website. They all have been the same, go in, check on baby, baby is great, get vaccine, go back in 4 weeks later, no heartbeat, double check with u/s and baby measures nearly to the date of the last appointment. And these aren't all early losses, we're talking 24, 25 weekers too.

Moving on! I've really been working at keeping the anxiety in check since tomorrow is our "big" anatomy scan and hopefully this little one cooperates so we can find out which way the scales are going to tip. I really, honestly, truly just want alive and healthy. We have one of each and really have no preference. However, I will admit that I'm terrified that it's going to be a boy. I would LOVE another boy but given my apparent inability to keep boys alive lately, it scares me. I would be thrilled to have a boy but I'm afraid that, with a boy, I won't be able to relax to the point that I might be able to with a girl.

When we found out that Collin was a boy, again, I did cry a little. Partly because I was afraid that I would lose him too and partly out of relief that maybe I would be able to just kind of pick up where we left off with Eli. Of course we know how that turned out. So, I think that makes this "finding out the sex thing" kind of tough. Of course the planner in me would never be able to choose to NOT know. I also think it will be easier, when we tell the kids, to tell them "what" to expect. That should alleviate any of the "I want a ________!" issues since it is what it is anyway, without having to have a deep discussion about it... hopefully. But science loving Karleigh may ask more questions, and that's ok.

It is reassuring to sit here and "worry" while getting my bladder and bellybutton kicked and punched. Jim was even able to feel a nice strong knee? elbow? last week.

We'll be spending Thanksgiving up at my parent's house, the kids and I will stay the whole weekend while Jim has to come back down and work some u-g-l-y hours this weekend. But I will try to pop on before we leave and post how it went. 9:45 am Pacific time tomorrow... breathe in, breathe out...

Onward

2009-11-10T19:11:00.000-08:00

We've now gone past the point where I delivered Eli. I don't know what I expected to feel.
Joyful?
Thankful?
Relieved?
Excited?
Hopeful?
Comfortable?
Yah, kind of all those things. And I do, to an extent. But I also feel really emotionally drained and tired. Weird, I know.

Now it's time to move onward. This has felt like the longest week in history but it's nice to have it behind us. There have been lots of prayers for peace, patience, a beating heart. So far, so good.

It seems like I've started reporting the reality here and most of the emotional stuff has gone out the window, so to speak. I suppose it's likely that it's part of the self preservation or coping mechanism that I've developed over time. Who knows! Either way, the holidays are fast approaching and hopefully we'll be able to enjoy them and the promise that we pray they hold.

Cruise Control

2009-11-04T21:03:00.000-08:00

I had my 16 week appointment this afternoon. Of course I checked heart tones this morning and baby was still kicking away so going to the appointment wasn't as full of anxiety as it could have been but it's still a little weird.

It was very quick (except for waiting for Dr. C!) the whole pee, blood pressure, weight thing and then listen to heart tones... which were 160-ish this afternoon. We also scheduled the anatomy scan and next appointment for 3 weeks out. Hopefully those three weeks will go by quickly and everything will continue, on cruise control, as Dr. C says.

Trying to Ignore Time

2009-11-02T14:41:00.000-08:00

The reality is, is that I can't just ignore time. I sure wish I could though. I do know it's been a long time since I blogged though.

And believe me, I feel a bit guilty about it.

I have been trying to ignore time though. This is a really anxiety filled time in this pregnancy for me. In fact, if you add the 4 days ahead that this baby was measuring a few weeks ago, to the gestational date where I sit today, it's literally same time that Eli's heart stopped beating. It's just crazy to me. I feel at such a different place than I did when I was beyond shocked to lose him.

The kids did not have school last week due to parent teacher conferences so Jim also took one of his weeks of vacation. It was nice to get out and do some things as a family without really focusing on a day other than to make sure we didn't completely miss an appointment or something. It was a pretty busy week too which was nice.

Here are just a few pics of some of the things that we did, in no particular order of course!

We hit up our local wildlife refuge... again... the kids love this place. Fall is certainly here! It really is a lot of fun to return to the same place, multiple times a year to watch it change with the seasons.

We took the kids to see Disney on Ice in Portland. They loved it! It was a neat show with lots and lots of music and skating. We snapped a family pic in reflection of the Rose Garden.

For Halloween, we went to my parent's house for a few days. The kids went to the carnival at mom's school on Friday dressed as Little Miss Muffet and a spider and totally enjoyed themselves. Then they trick-or-treated a little bit on Saturday and certainly acquired plenty of cavity inducing goodies.
Speaking of cavities and such... Karleigh lost yet another tooth! And gained a cavity. The fact that this is her first is pretty good. I had horrible baby teeth loaded with decay. Luckily, my permanent teeth came in good and strong and I don't even remember what get a filling is like. She'll get hers filled tomorrow. We also found out that just as soon as her 6 year molars come in, we'll start her orthodontic work. Oy! Luckily we have coverage with our insurance. Her jaw is just too small for the teeth that are on their way in. I'm sure she'll end up with an expander to help make room. I had the same done, but not until high school and that wasn't because of crooked teeth but an attempt to combat my TMJ issues.

We managed to make it out to the pumpkin patch when the weather was beautiful. We had had a long day but the kids still had fun!

We even snapped a pic of us during the hayride. We had originally planned on hitting the same farm where Karleigh had her field trip a few weeks ago but it was insanely packed... thousands of people. So, we drove out to our regular pumpkin patch that we've been going to since before Karleigh was one and it was perfect! We had much more space to ourselves and we were even the only ones on the hayride at the time. Oh, and after getting home and seeing this picture... I gave Jim a haircut!

So, I've been trying to ignore time by just keeping myself busy. I do have another Doc appointment on Wednesday while the kids are in school so I'm hoping, of course, that it goes well. I'm also hoping that, at that time, I'll get to schedule the "big" ultrasound. I'm hoping after that that I'll be able to start thinking about bringing a live baby home and not just hospital bills and memory boxes.

Normal

2009-10-22T12:46:00.000-07:00

"Normal" is so nice.
"Normal" is all I asked for.

While in the shower this morning I got to thinking "huh, it's been 8 days since my 1st trimester screening. I wonder how my blood numbers were?" Then I proceeded to have a discussion in my head about the fact that the maternal fetal medicine office said that they would call if the results were abnormal and would just mail me a card if... when!... they returned normal. I got out of the shower, dressed and the phone rang.

Unknown Name
Unknown Number

That is code for my doc's office.

I answered the phone and it was V, Dr.C's nurse. She said "Hey! We got your results back. They're totally normal! I just had to call and let you know instead of making you wait!"

"Normal" is what I got!

I didn't ask her the ratios because knowing that it was normal is good enough for me. It's really a relief. Rylan's AFP which is just a blood draw but also a screening test returned positive and that was really stressful. I also passed my first trimester screen with Collin but I still feel good today. He didn't live long enough for me to receive my official results. They called while my mom was here and I was at the hospital prepping for surgery. This baby is still alive and I'm starting to feel little movements. So far everything is normal.

I am very thankful for normal.

Another Milestone

2009-10-14T20:22:00.000-07:00

I've got to say, I've pretty much been a ball of nerves the last few days. Rylan's birthday was a great distraction while leading up to this afternoon's NT Scan. I did not have the scan done with Eli but we did with Collin... and his heart stopped the next day. My scan with him was at 12 weeks 3 days. Today I was 12 weeks 4 days. I just wanted to get these next few days done and over with. I'm trying not to wish my life away but it's hard to relive certain things. Luckily, we were able to go back the the Maternal Fetal Medicine (MFM) office where we had our last scan done so they had my whole history and the ultrasound tech was great about reading my entire file prior to seeing us.

I found it really comforting to have so many things different this time around. We were in a different room. Different tech - this one came over from 7 years at the OHSU MFM office. She was great and understanding and really warm. This baby was moving all over the place - which Collin did not do (and in hindsight bugged me). We saw this baby swallowing. A stomach. A full bladder. The diaphragm. Fingers and toes. Eyes and nose. Brain. A perfect three vessle cord. A heart beat of 167 beats per minute. And the whole reason we were there the Nuchal Translucency measurements averaged out at 1.9 or so. At this stage of the game anything below 3.2 is considered "normal" and the lower, the better.

The best thing was this baby is measuring a bit ahead at 13 weeks 1 day... in essence, catapulting us right past some of the days that would have carried a lot of nervous energy. That is not saying that I'm thinking everything is 100%, for sure, going to be ok but it feels a bit better to have such a great appointment behind us.

We also got a number of pictures but these were the "best", in my opinion.

This one is the profile, hand up near face, black spot near the middle of the baby is the stomach, the black spot closer to the leg is the bladder.

Look! It's a brontosaurus!!! Just kidding, it's a hand and an arm but our baby is already looking to be quite talented in the shadow puppet skills department. :)

Perfect little feet and legs. The MFM showed us how we could easily see that there isn't even a clubbed foot.

And in honor of Halloween approaching, the obligatory, scary alien-skeleton shot but that's exactly what he/she is supposed to look like right now.

I also had an appointment last week with my OB that went great. Turns out, I'm the first and only patient to whom he has prescribed Femara. But so far so good!

While I'm really happy with the outcome of today's appointment. I also don't want to forget that tomorrow is October 15th which is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. So, while I'm celebrating a great appointment and continuing to be cautiously optimistic for this spring, tomorrow is a day set aside for us all to remember those babies who didn't get the chance to live the full lives that we expected.